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| GUIDELINES FOR MARRIAGE — Before planning a church wedding, Catholics must participate in a six-month preparation period. |
Love is in the air and often with the engagement comes an initiation into the crazed world of wedding planning.
With the average wedding taking approximately 14 months to plan and more than $23,000 to fund, is it desirable to have that perfect Cinderella wedding at all costs?
It can be easy to acquiesce to the myriad of extraneous details in planning those June nuptials; for example, is it that important to serve petit fours to 3,000 of your nearest and dearest? Or to dance the first dance to “Fly me to the Moon,” arrange limousines, lavish caterers, and professional photographers? Or worry about the matching Tiffany wedding bands, the dress, tuxedos, salons, cake and reception halls?
Celebrity wedding planner, Colin Cowie advises couples to hire a wedding planner in order to plan the ultimate party.
“And we will insert a ceremony into the weekend,” he said in his book, titled “Weddings.”
Insert a ceremony?
Outdoor weddings?
Or is it more important to simply stand before God, priest, family and friends embracing the holy sacrament of matrimony?
Before planning to launch 100,000 Monarch butterflies into the crowd during your outdoor wedding, here are a few tips to keep in mind before saying “I do.”
Outdoor weddings
not acceptable
The subject of outdoor weddings is a common request, and according to Fr. Rick Stoffel, pastor of St. Peter Parish in Slinger, couples are often surprised when priests and deacons decline to officiate.
“Most dioceses in the USA (especially those located near exotic entertainment or vacation destinations) do not permit priests or deacons to officiate at outdoor wedding celebrations for Catholic couples,” he said in the Sept. 25, 2005 St. Peter bulletin. “Why? First, generally speaking, a marriage between Catholics, or between a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic, should be celebrated in a parish church unless the diocesan bishop has given specific permission for marriage in another place (usually the church of the baptized, the marriage can be celebrated either in church or some other suitable place (Canon 1118), again, with the bishop’s specific/particular permission.”
Accustomed to one or two requests per year about outdoor weddings, Fr. Stoffel said in an interview with your Catholic Herald, that the majority come from non-practicing Catholics with nominal, marginal or tangential attachment to the sacramental life of the church.
“Many have not been and do not go to Mass or the sacraments, even on Christmas or Easter,” he said. “I invite them to return to the practice of their faith, but most of them simply seem to have the ‘wedding’ on their minds — where and what it will look like — rather than the ‘marriage’ sacrament, and who they are to one another in the love of God that comes to us in Christ Jesus.”
At times, couples will respond affirmatively, Fr. Stoffel, said, but sadly, many of them ultimately marry outside the church.
In addition to outdoor wedding requests, are calls asking to see the empty church for possible wedding use, prompting Fr. Stoffel to feel like a rental agent.
“When this happens, I invite them to see the church when the people of God are at worship, as without the people at prayer, the church is but an empty house and not seen at its full and power-filled beauty,” he said. “To be married in the church is more than facility, accommodations and appearance. It is for life together in Jesus Christ.”
Preparation period
Couples may be surprised to learn that Wisconsin parishes require a six-month preparation period between the announcement of the engagement and the wedding date. The goal of the preparation period, according to the Pastoral Guidelines for Marriage, issued by the Catholic bishops of Wisconsin, is to ensure that the local priest, deacon, or other parish minister properly prepares the couple for the marital commitment.
The underlying realization of church is one aspect Deacon Terry Starns, of St. John Vianney Parish in Brookfield, looks for when working with engaged couples.
“Are they praying in their community of the church that they belong to?” he said. “If they are, they tend to have a completely different attitude towards wedding and their life together than those who do not.”
Using a diocesan sponsored booklet on the theology of marriage, Deacon Starns discusses the presence of God in the upcoming marriage, and works with the couples to prepare for their life together.
“My concern when I work with a couple is not the wedding day, so much,” he said, “but it is, ‘How is God going to be a part of your married life?’”
Engaged couples also need to complete a premarital inventory that will be discussed with the priest or deacon with whom they are working. According to the archdiocesan Sacramental Guide-lines for Marriage, the study is a means of allowing the couple to strengthen their relationship with each other prior to marriage.
Additionally, couples are re-quired to attend an engaged enrichment instructional program. This daylong class presents the human aspects of marriage so the couple understands the full dimensions of marriage as a sacrament and a lifetime-committed relationship.
Success rate
For couples who recognize God as the core of their relationship and regularly pray in their local church family, long-term success is much greater than among those couples who do not attend church together, according to Deacon Starns, who often quotes divorce statistics from priest, author and sociologist, Fr. Andrew Greeley.
“In his study, done in the ‘90s the average divorce rate is 50 percent nationwide,” he said. “But if a couple prays together and attends church together, and they are active in their church together — the percentage of divorces drops to .08 percent. I tell my couples that when they come to church to get married, they are already beating the 50 percent odds out there.”
Rich Harter, director of Adult and Family Ministry at St. Dominic Parish in Brookfield, agrees.
“The most important aspect and the one too easily neglected is in coming to a deep understanding of the theology of the sacrament,” he said. “From the perspective of faith — we are not planning a wedding, but preparing to experience the power and presence of God through the sacrament. Everything else is superfluous!”
When Harter works with engaged couples in his parish, he tries to impress upon them that it is their shared faith that will hold them together in all adversity.
“Therefore, I always stress the sacramentality of marriage, and the need for the couple to practice and grow in their Catholic faith,” he said.
Liturgy planning
Once couples have completed the premarital inventory and instructional processes, the next step is to plan the liturgical celebration of their marriage with the priest, deacon or liturgist. Weddings are allowed on most days during the church year with the exception of the Easter Triduum, when weddings in any form may not be celebrated. According to the sacramental guidelines, liturgical law determines when the marriage ritual Mass may or may not be celebrated. In the Milwaukee Archdiocese, weddings on Sundays or solemnities are discouraged, but in extraordinary situations with approval by the parish priest and Chancery Office.
According to Dean Daniels, archdiocesan director of prayer, worship and evangelization, many difficulties in wedding liturgy planning often surround popular influences, with the music often a primary consideration.
“What we ultimately believe as individuals is formed by our local community, and contemporary culture seems to place more importance on externals,” he said, “The choice of music for the wedding liturgy seems to me to be the most problematic.”
According the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, all music used in wedding ceremonies must be expressive of Christian faith and liturgically appropriate, and while soloists may sing part of the service, they are not permitted to sing all of the music.
Available from the archdiocesan office or from local parishes, is the booklet, “The Role of Music in the Marriage Rite,” which outlines appropriate music to assist couples in preparing for their wedding ceremony.
Keep wedding simple,
Christ centered
With the availability of wedding planners, and lavish celebrity weddings spotlighted in the media, the role of simplicity is often vastly underrated. According to Fr. Tim Kitzke of Three Holy Women Parish in Milwaukee, it is not only a lack of simplicity — it is so much more.
“Keep it simple,” he said. “And keep Christ at the center, not only in the marriage, but during the ceremony as well.”
When working with engaged couples, Fr. Kitzke works hard to bring an awareness of Christ as the center of the wedding as well as the sacramental bond holding the couple together.
“Couples have to face a ‘culture of consumption’ when it comes to the celebration,” he said, “but we try to focus on the essentials. Flowers are important — but not ultimate.”
Learning to live together as husband and wife is often a challenge, especially in the first year. Living that life with extreme wedding debt can be even more difficult.
“One thing that bothers me is that the noble simplicity of life encouraged by our faith does not seem to affect wedding arrangements and expenses,” said Fr. Stoffel. “There seems to be a rising connection between the distress of debt and marital failure, some of that may be due to educational loan debts that many young couples bring into early life, but a part also seems due to ‘wedding debt’ because they wanted to have the day of their dreams without being able to afford it.”
Keeping the marriage alive
After the wedding is but a fond memory relived through photographs and videos, and the couple settles into the sometimes-mundane routines of a household and perhaps a new baby, what happens?
Where communication used to be wildly anticipated, if not cultivated and kept fresh, it can often diminish, pushing the couple apart— and with it, the danger of marital failure.
Fortunately, many opportunities for Catholic couples of all ages exist to keep the marriage fresh and alive. According to Marie Grevsmuehl, associate director of marriage and family ministry, the church works with couples to ensure longevity and permanence in Catholic marriages.
“The office promotes programs that parishes and retreat centers offer to married couples to enhance awareness and attendance at the various programs,” she said. “I work with national and worldwide Marriage Encounter, which are programs for marriage enrichment.” For more information on Marriage Encounter, visit <www.alifetimeoflove.org>.
Working hand in hand with communication and marital commitment is the possibility of children. Natural Family Planning (NFP) offers many classes for engaged and married couples wishing to either achieve or avoid pregnancy based on the couple’s knowledge of their naturally occurring cyclic phases of fertility and infertility. For more information on NFP classes, contact Adult and Family Ministry at (414) 769-3441, or e-mail her.
In situations where couples may be experiencing trouble in the marriage, Retrouvaille has been very successful in bringing couples back together. For more information, go to <www.retrouvaille.org>
“In the spring, a newsletter for newly married couples will be introduced,” Grevsmuehl said. “The newsletter will include an informational article on a specific topic, upcoming events for couples, book and Web page resources.”
Coming home
At first, it may seem that putting Christ first may seem simplistic or ordinary, but in reality, the marriage is a much deeper commitment than often realized as the couple enters into the marital covenant with Jesus.
“Before saying ‘I do,’ the Catholic marriage is always first and foremost, a life of the Paschal Mystery,” said Harter. “It is about ongoing dying to selfishness and rising to selfless compassion and service to one another and to the ‘least’ of the sisters and brothers among us. As a sacrament, matrimony is the experience of God moving to transform us and our world more fully into the image of the Kingdom.”
And bringing that celebration into the parish home is the tie that binds the couple’s marriage, just as Jesus is bound to his bride, the church.
“There is no place like home for a wedding,” said Fr. Stoffel, “Home, where I was born again in baptism; home where I first tasted the bread of life and the cup of eternal salvation; home, where I was sealed in the spirit; home, where I am loved so unconditionally and well that I am always offered reconciliatory forgiveness and healing. Home, home, home — there’s no place like home — for marriages in the family of God in Christ.”
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