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| His grandmother’s death in July devastated Eric Mitchell, but the 12-year-old and his mother, Tasha Mitchell, left, have been helped through their grief by Aurora Health Care’s Vince Lombardi Cancer Counseling Center. In the photo at right, Eric is pictured with his grandmother, Vivian Mitchell. (Catholic Herald Parenting photo by Sam Lucero) |
They were the best of friends. Often snuggled side by side on the sofa sharing a bucket of popcorn, Eric Mitchell spent many evenings watching television and old movies with his grandmother, Vivian Mitchell.
Theirs was a unique relationship. For 10 years, Eric, 12, of Milwaukee, lived with his grandparents while his mom, Tasha, wove a life for herself conducive to raising an adolescent boy.
“My mom went back to college and then got her master’s degree in nursing,” Eric bragged. “Mom would come and live with us sometimes, but mainly she was trying to do well in school so she would be able to take good care of me.”
Following Vivian’s diagnosis of breast cancer, she fought hard and was determined not to let it take her life.
“My mom always said she wouldn’t die of cancer, and she didn’t,” Tasha admitted. “She was beating it and was in remission. She had such a great outlook on life.”
When Vivian died suddenly last July 10, the family was shocked and devastated. Autopsy results showed that cancer did not rob Vivian of her life; instead, she died of a pulmonary embolism.
“We knew she was sick,” Tasha said. “But not sick to die.”
Although scared and de-pressed over losing her mom, Tasha worried primarily about how Eric would handle his grief.
“I felt so sad to lose Nana,” he said. “I had all these mixed emotions and didn’t know what to say or what to feel. I felt angry, like I wanted to rebel and felt depressed all at the same time. I was lost and empty without her.”
Most difficult for him was returning to school where he realized that although his life had dramatically changed, the lives of his classmates did not. Listening to his friends’ conversations about their grandmothers and spending time with them was difficult for Eric.
“I kind of separated myself from them at first,” he said. “Every time they would mention their grandmothers, I would feel so sad.”
Feelings such as Eric’s are to be expected, according to Susan Berg, child life specialist, of Aurora Health Care’s Vince Lombardi Cancer Counseling Center. She added that although similar, the grieving process for children often moves at a quicker pace than for adults.
Children often act out grief
“Kids often act out their grief and lash out at those they love the most,” she said. “Their behavior changes and it often can be negative, such as not wanting to do well in school, or (not) helping out around the house.”
In contrast, Berg said that some children act out their grief with good deeds, such as trying to do extra chores around the house to help the parents get through their sadness. Oftentimes, children are reluctant to speak of their loss in order to spare the parents.
“They don’t want to make their parents cry by bringing up a deceased sibling, parent or grandparent,” Berg admitted. “But it’s good to keep the memories alive and it is OK to cry.”
Working through his grief, Eric found help through Kids Care, a four-week grief support group run by Berg for children who have lost a loved one due to death.
“Sue helped me a lot to get through it all,” he admitted, adding, “It didn’t fill the hole where she once was, but it helped me know that she is in heaven now and although I can’t have her by my side, I know she is with God and that helped a lot.”
Ironically, Tasha was surprised when she called the cancer center and realized that Sue was expecting to hear from her. Prior to her death, Vivian implemented the plans for Tasha and Eric to meet with Berg to deal with the ramifications of her breast cancer.
“It was nothing but faith and God,” Tasha said. “Because I called and Sue told me right away that my mom wanted us to come there – she knew who we were and she had already set it up.”
The Kids Care program handles difficult topics, such as the loved one’s life, death and lifetime, memories and the changes that accompany the loss.
“We talk about their feelings and what they are going through, and planning for their future,” Berg said. “At each group meeting, we have time for sharing feelings. It’s important for children to realize that while time does heal, it will never take away the memories of that person, and even though it is painful at first, as time passes, we can go beyond the tears to a feeling of love when we think of that person.”
Although losing a sibling is painful for a child, losing a parent is harder, according to Berg, and it is important that the child have another adult in his or her life with which to identify.
The ‘firsts’ are all difficult
“All of the ‘firsts’ are difficult for the child who lost the parent,” Berg acknowledged. “For a girl, it may be needing a mom when she goes through her changes or for a boy when he plays his first varsity football game.”
Because children spend the majority of their lives in a school setting, teachers play an instrumental role in the transition for a child who has lost a parent. It’s important for the surviving parent or guardian to include the school in the child’s major life changes.
“When Mother’s Day comes around, maybe the child’s teacher could suggest another female figure for a child to make a gift for,” Berg said. “Or when Father’s Day comes around in the summer, the parent can pick a male figure for the child to remember with a gift or a card.”Working through the fog of loss became a blessing for Tasha and Eric, for losing Vivian became an opportunity for the two to live as family. Despite an adjustment period, they are learning and appreciating their new roles. For Eric, simple chores such as laundry, cleaning and light cooking make it possible for his mom to continue her nursing profession. For Tasha, assuming an unfamiliar role as authoritarian initially concerned her, as Eric naturally rebelled.
“I thought I was too harsh on him during our transitioning time because I was giving him chores that he never had before. When he lived with his grandmother, she did everything for him and now that he is with me, he has to make his bed, clean and do a little laundry,” Tasha said, adding tearfully, “He surprised me when he said, ‘Mom, Nana did what she was supposed to have done. She spoiled me and that was what she was supposed to do. But you are making me a man and that’s what you are supposed to do.”
In addressing the acknowledgement of his own grief, Eric began looking outside himself at the feelings of others in his family who also lost someone dear to them and he began to heal.
“I never saw my grandpa cry until my grandma died, and I realized that I was not the only one who was sad,” he said. “My mom also lost her mom – and we all grieved together. You just can’t think you are the only one going through something.”
Even as adults, faith is tested when faced with the loss of a loved one, but for Eric, his faith seemed to be magnified.
“I was never mad at God for taking Nana,” he said. “I am glad he took her off this earth and put her in heaven because she isn’t suffering anymore. Sure, I miss having her by my side, but God needs her by his side now.”
For Tasha, the rich transformation of growing into the role of mother is one that she enjoys.
“I had to work through a lot,” she said. “But I really like being a mom to Eric and he has done so much for me in building up my own faith. He is a prayerful young man and encourages me. There have been times we’ve fallen asleep before saying our prayers and he will wake me up during the night to pray. I am just so appreciative of him and that he is in my life.”
Don’t shield children from death
Although earlier generations shielded their children from the realities of death by leaving them out of funeral planning, or withholding visits to terminal relatives, Berg said including children is imperative to the healing process.
“It’s very important to give kids choices from start to finish,” she said. “You know your child best, but if they come to visit they can decide to see or not to see the parent or relative.”
Director of Grief Education Services for the Archdiocese of Milwaukee Catholic Cemeteries, Patrick Dean agreed with Berg. Additionally, as founder and director of the Wisconsin Grief Education Center, Dean has served individuals and families with their grief journeys for the past 17 years.
“It is important to include the child in someone’s life who is in the process of dying rather than exclude (them), and it’s important to include them in funerals and memorials, inviting them to have a role – whether it’s drawing a picture, writing a letter, saying something at the service or being a pall bearer,” he said. “There are all kinds of healthy ways to involve kids.”
Albeit well intentioned, the old exclusionary method hid children from the very community to which they belonged, Dean emphasized. He encourages parents of grieving children to love them, maintain their presence, listen, share time and help the kids feel safe and secure.
“Just as we live in community, a family, neighborhood, or parish – we also mourn as a community and for kids to be around relatives and neighbors during sad times helps to realize that there are other people left who will help us get through the tough times with help and companionships. And they will be with us when we do our own individual and collective grief work,” he said.
While different ages demonstrate varying grief patterns, Dean admitted grief is universal and different for all people, regardless of age.
“Young children may be worried about safety and security issues and worry that they aren’t going to be cared for if a parent dies,” Dean said. “For some, the unique loss of a sibling may be more difficult depending on their age and relationship.”
For some, losing a pet may be the first experience with loss and may be particularly devastating for children who have grown up with their best friend.
“It goes back to grief being unique, and for some kids, they are losing their best friend in the world,” Dean said. “Handling the death of a pet can really impact how kids can view and deal with future losses.”
Child may blame God
Anger with God, while not unique to children during times of grief is one of many possible manifestations following a loss, and according to Dean, the grieving person may blame God because the doctor couldn’t fix mom’s cancer or will blame the car that hit the dog. In his individual counseling with children during times of sorrow, Dean maintains an open and listening ear, and tries to meet the children where they are emotionally.
“I listen a lot and I ask questions to help clarify their stories in their own minds,” he said. “If they are mad at God, I hope and usually find that this is a temporary place to hold their feelings or sadness. Then maybe it isn’t about being angry, but about being sad and learning new ways to live with the sadness of grief and loss.”
In his grief counseling, which spans all age brackets, Dean does not view grief as an illness.
“I think of it as providing grief education and support and that’s why my private practice is called the Wisconsin Grief Education Center,” he said. “There is a lot we know about grief that we didn’t know 10-20 years ago, but it isn’t always talked about until there is a loss.”
As important as working through the grief is learning the normal process of grief and the differences between grief and trauma by means of support through the educational process.
“All clients get homework almost as you would in an academic or school setting,” Dean said. “Work has to be done in order to work through the process of grief. Time does not heal all wounds; a person does heal with time, but by engaging in the work of grief and that determines the path of grief and healing.”
Grief is natural, necessary
Counselors at Margaret Ann’s Place, Wisconsin’s Center of Hope of Grieving Children believe that grief and mourning are the most natural, normal and necessary reactions when a loved one dies.
Some common symptoms of grief in children include shock and indifference, lethargy, stomach pains, throat tightness, headaches, nervousness, insomnia, rashes, hives, muscle pain, eating disorders, bed-wetting, social regression and an increase for attention.
The non-profit organization is dedicated to serving the individual needs of grieving children.
“We are one of over 300 centers for grieving children nationwide,” stated Connie Moynihan, Milwaukee Family Services Coordinator. “We are the first of its kind established in the State of Wisconsin. We serve children from three to 18 and their families.”
Margaret Ann’s Place offers help through peer support and educational groups in the counties of Milwaukee, Racine and Kenosha. In addition to bereavement literature and newsletters, day camp, family camp, and telephone support are offered.
Important as individual care, Margaret Ann’s Place reaches out to the public with their “Good Grief” school program, “Forever My Child” hospital newborn loss program, workshops and presentations, program development, and holiday remembrance and worldwide candle lighting.
“We are dependent on broad community support to offer the free services to grieving children and their families,” said Moynihan. “There are many ways for people to get involved, whether volunteering with peer support groups, assisting with special events or offering clerical support. Time, talent and compassion are welcome.” |
