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Open adoption creates one big family
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Birth parents, adoptive parents all share in Elyssa’s life
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| Dave, Laura, Elyssa and Grant Koel pose for a photo in their Waterford home. Grant was born about a year after the Koels adopted Elyssa through Catholic Charities. (Catholic Herald photos by Allen Fredrickson) |
A white picket fence surrounds Elyssa Koel’s Victorian home in this cozy community in Racine County. Across the road is Uncle Harry’s ice cream parlor, within the picket fence is a large yard where Elyssa and her younger brother, Grant, can run and play in typical preschool fashion.
Elyssa has a pet cat, a house full of toys and loving parents, Dave, 38, an art teacher at Waukesha North High School, and Laura, 37, a special education teacher, now a stay-at-home mom to Elyssa and Grant.
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| Dave and Laura Koel, as well as birth parents Rick and Jessica Donaldson, were on hand at United Hospital, Kenosha to welcome Elyssa Koel into the world in April 22, 2003. (Submitted photo courtesy the Koel family) |
It appears to be a picture-perfect childhood for 3-year-old Elyssa, almost straight from a Norman Rockwell portrait.
When Jessica and Rick Donaldson come to visit Elyssa, whether it’s to celebrate a birthday or some other family occasion, the energetic, outgoing, bubbly little girl exudes happiness.
“I rarely see babies who are that happy,” said Rick of Elyssa. “I think it’s proof we did the right thing.”
It’s Rick and Jessica who gave Elyssa her picture-perfect childhood, even though they are not the couple raising her as their own.
Knowing they were not in a position to provide for a baby, Jessica and Rick, then high school students, turned to Catholic Charities to find an adoptive home for their unborn child.
Open adoption connects families
The social service agency for the Archdiocese of Milwaukee — affiliated with Catholic Charities USA — linked Rick and Jessica with the Koels, members of St. William Parish, Waukesha, in an open adoption that was finalized in December 2003.
In an open adoption, there is some contact between birth and adoptive parents. In the case of the Donaldsons and Koels, the open adoption has extended beyond letters and phone calls to regular family get togethers.
As Laura explained, “Rick and Jessica and their families are part of our family now.”
For example, the families get together for birthday celebrations; Elyssa and Laura recently attended Jessica’s baby shower, and they were all together to celebrate Rick’s graduation from the Blue Sky School of Professional Massage and Therapeutic Bodywork.
Two years ago, when Jessica was confirmed, she asked Laura to be her confirmation sponsor.
While the relationship has evolved beyond the expectations of either couple, both admit they were initially hesitant.
Making the decision about adoption was difficult for all of them.
In 2003, Jessica was a junior at Kenosha Tremper High School, Kenosha. She met Rick, then a student at Reuther High School in Kenosha, the brother of one of her friends. The two began dating and when Jessica learned she was pregnant, she said she was surprised and scared.
Couple weighed all options
“I guess we did not know what to do so we looked at all the options including abortion,” she said. “We knew after talking about (abortion) that we didn’t want to do that,” but she said the couple also knew they weren’t prepared to care for a baby. Rick was planning to attend college after graduation and since Jessica still had a year of high school to go, she was not in a position to be a mother.
Several months into the pregnancy, they contacted Catholic Charities and after meeting with a social worker, were given the profiles of several couples hoping to adopt.
When choosing the home for their baby, Jessica said she was attracted to one couple because “they didn’t live too close to home, but they weren’t too far away either. I also like the way they presented themselves.” The couple was not Laura and Dave, but rather was a couple that ironically another birth mother at the time had selected.
In the end, that couple chose another baby, and Rick and Jessica went with their second choice, the Koels.
In the Koels, Rick and Jessica said they felt they were choosing a couple who also were close, but not too close. They liked the fact that Laura planned on being a stay-at-home mom and that in their portfolio they appeared to have a sense of humor and were family oriented. In the portfolio, Laura explained she and Dave included many photos, including a picture of them on an amusement park ride.
While Jessica and Rick had selected a family, Rick was hesitant about an open adoption.
“I wanted it because I liked the idea of seeing her, but Rick was not too sure. He thought maybe (getting) pictures and letters would be OK,” said Jessica, explaining eventually Rick warmed to the idea.
Adoption means acknowledging loss
Making the decision to adopt was also difficult for the Koels, said Laura, describing it as acknowledging a loss.
Laura and Dave met in high school at Waukesha North, but started dating during their freshman year of college. They married in 1990 at St. Aloysius Parish, West Allis and dreamed of starting a family.
“We had great plans, we’d have our own biological kids first, and then, we’d have so much time, energy and love, maybe we could adopt later,” said Laura. As the years passed and the couple didn’t get pregnant, Laura described the emptiness.
“Before choosing to adopt, you have to get over the loss you feel. When you’re growing up, it’s common to talk about the children you’re going to have – will they have your eyes?, will they look like you?,” she said, describing the difficulty in coming to the realization that God might have a different plan.
“We had to accept that it’s God’s path; he’s in control, not us,” said Laura of the couple’s decision to look into adoption. “Once we accepted that, we were ready to embrace adoption fully.”
Picking up the phone book, they randomly selected Catholic Charities in early 2001. The following January, they learned they were selected and could submit a portfolio for birth parents to see.
Families ‘clicked’ immediately
Prior to Elyssa’s birth, Rick and Jessica and the Koels met. Over dinner at a restaurant on Easter Saturday, they spent a couple hours getting to know each other, and according to Laura, the couples “just clicked.” Echoing similar thoughts, Rick said, “Laura and Dave became family right away when they came to the hospital for the birth. They were family – it’s hard to explain.”
Jessica and Dave are quiet by nature, while Rick and Laura are outgoing and generally carry the conversation. Rick and Laura share the same favorite color: purple, while Jessica and Dave can’t choose just one color, they like them all.
When Elyssa was born on April 22, all four were at United Hospital System, Kenosha. Laura and Dave were allowed into the nursery almost immediately and saw Elyssa’s first bath and her first bottle.
They weren’t able to take the baby home from the hospital, however. Before the adoption can proceed, the baby must stay with a foster family for six weeks, a time when any of the parties involved can back out of the adoption.
Waiting — the hardest part
Dave described that time period as the longest of his life.
It was also difficult for Rick who said he and Jessica tried not to establish too many emotional bonds with the baby because they knew they would be leaving her with another family. He also said he briefly experienced second thoughts after seeing a movie starring Denzel Washington that did not paint a happy life for an adopted child.
Rick said he was also experiencing some pressure from his family who were opposed to adoption. They would have preferred that another family member care for the baby until Rick and Jessica were in a position to care for her.
“Most of my family was negative (about the adoption) and I had to put up with a quite a bit of stuff. I had to tell them it was my decision,” he said, adding, it’s also important to make the decision with the baby’s best interest in mind. “When you’re thinking of giving a baby up, it’s not your family’s decision. It’s no one’s decision but yours, and it should be all about what is best for the baby.”
An open adoption has the advantage of ensuring there are no medical unknowns in the baby’s life. In Elyssa’s case, it is particularly beneficial because Rick has Stargardt’s Disease, a form of macular dystrophy that begins early in life. He was diagnosed at age 15 after his sight gradually diminished. With the exception of not being able to drive, Rick said the disease has not altered his lifestyle. Elyssa has had her eyes tested for the genetic disease, and has a clean bill of health.
Another surprise pregnancy
Elyssa came to live with the Koels in July 2003 and later that year, the adoption was finalized. Much to the couple’s surprise, about two months later, they learned Laura was pregnant.
“I felt so scared to tell Rick and Jessica,” admitted Laura. “I felt the adoption was so new and I didn’t want them to think we deceived them about not being able to have children.”
When they told them over dinner, their fears were eased. Amid hugs and congratulations, Rick and Jessica, shared their good news.
When Grant was born in 2004, Laura said he has been “adopted” by Rick and Jessica and their families.
In the years since Elyssa’s birth, Jessica, 20, has graduated from Tremper High School and now works at Sam’s Club in the Kenosha area. After Rick, 21, completed massage therapy school in Madison, the couple moved back to Kenosha, where he is now looking for a job.
Rick and Jessica were married in April and are expecting a child, also a girl, in October.
They hope the new baby will be close to Elyssa and Grant, but stressed they don’t have second thoughts on what might have been if they had not chosen adoption for Elyssa.
“I feel more like an uncle to Elyssa,” said Rick of his relationship with his first daughter. “I know Dave is her dad and I keep that in mind. Every time I see her I’m so happy that she’s so happy and as smart as she is.”
For Jessica, the adoption wasn’t difficult, “because I knew it was the right decision.”
While at the hospital after Elyssa’s birth, Jessica and Laura exchanged thank you cards.
In hers, Jessica wrote, “We can only pray that we helped you fulfill your dreams and in doing so, let us chase ours.”
Looking at their two happy children giggled as they played together on the floor, Laura, with tears in her eyes spoke of the blessings in her life.
“It’s God’s plan – what he wants for us, and once you’re able to realize that and to accept it, then everything will work out. It might not be the way we would have planned it, but everything works out the way it is supposed to be,” she said. |
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