We never asked our sons if they wanted us to become foster parents. At the time we made the decision, they were very young — 3 and 6 — and even if they had been older, we wouldn’t have asked them, because it’s not a decision for children.
This doesn’t mean I didn’t worry about foster care’s effect on them. While my friends were excited about the possibility of us becoming foster parents, my parents were lukewarm, at best. They felt strongly that with two young children and my husband’s fledgling teaching career, we had enough on our plates. The boys’ pediatrician agreed. “You’re becoming foster parents? Now? Why not wait until the boys are older?”
When we received our first foster child, Liana (name changed to protect privacy), and our second one, T, I was aware of being careful not to allow the foster care situation and the accompanying drama to tax Bill and me beyond our ability to meet the needs of our boys.
As we cared for our foster children, I was looking at the boys, making sure foster care wasn’t taking anything crucial from them. I’ve since learned that I might not have been paying enough attention to the gifts foster care was bringing to our boys.
Jacob, a fifth grader, was recently required to write a narrative. He chose our family’s foster care experience. This is what he wrote:
In the past three years, my parents have had five kids, but now there are only three. Know why? It’s because I have one brother and had three foster sisters. Our family adopted one of the foster children.
Our first foster child was Liana. She clung to my mother and wouldn’t let my dad hold her. She was Mexican-American. She loved blocks, and could crawl as fast as a rabbit. Liana was very loving and didn’t like it when anyone was sad. She was 14 months old when we got her. She stayed for only three weeks and went to her grandma’s house with her three brothers and sisters. A few days after she left our house, a social worker called and asked if we could take her back because it was too many kids for the grandma to handle, but by then, we already had another foster child, T. We never saw Liana again.
T was the same age as Liana and her birthday was one day away, what a coincidence! She is African American. T had four older brothers and one younger sister (After she left, another girl was born, so now she has four brothers, two sisters.) T was held as much as possible by my dad in the beginning, so she wouldn’t get attached just to my mom like Liana.
She learned to walk and talk at our house. She stayed with us for over a year. She never really learned to talk whole sentences, though. The best she could say would be like, “I wa eat.”
We taught T, and our next foster child, Jamilet (Jamie) how to count by climbing stairs. We would count every time we climbed them and, finally, one day we would walk up the stairs and they would count with us.
T used to always brush my hair with a comb or with her hands for up to 20 minutes at a time. Whenever she was doing this I watched TV because it took such a long time.
After a while, T’s dad did the stuff he needed to do to have her. He took classes and he promised he would be a good parent. After T visited him for a few days, she was given to him. When she left, I was so sad. She had been my sister for so long and then she was gone. She had been part of the family and I loved her so much!
We didn’t see her until six months later when she and her mom came to our house to celebrate her birthday. She had turned 3, and she looked gigantic! She wasn’t a baby anymore; she was a little girl!
Our third and final (for now) foster child was Jamilet. She came to us in September 2004. She had been in foster care for a year. Her first foster mother, Judy, got Jamilet when she was only two days old. Judy always called her Jamie. Now my family calls her Jamie and Jamilet.
Jamilet has seven brothers and sisters and she is the second youngest.
For about a month, Jamie had visited us and slept over at our house until she knew us well enough to stay with us. She became our foster child in October of 2004, and then in January of 2005, our family figured out she needed to be adopted.
We went to Children’s Court to adopt Jamie. A lot of our relatives were there for the adoption. After we waited for a while, we went inside the courtroom. I was very anxious. The judge asked my mom and dad loads of questions and asked the social worker questions, too. She also asked Liam and me questions and we read our welcome letters to Jamie. At the end of the time in court, the judge asked my brother Liam and me to come up with her to the bench. She whispered to us to hit the gavel and declare, “This adoption is final!” I was very excited and relieved. Afterwards, the judge gave Liam and me Harley Davidson art kits and Jamilet a Harley Davidson teddy bear. She also gave us her address to send pictures to her. She was very kind.
After that, we went to the Chancery with relatives from both sides of the family. All the kids got balloons and Popsicles.
In June of 2005, we baptized Jamie at SS. Peter and Paul Church. It was a regular Mass but with a lot more people, since so many people came to the baptism. When it was time to baptize Jamilet, the godparents and our family went up to the altar. My mom gave a short speech. Jamie didn’t really enjoy being baptized. She was crying for most of the time. After the baptism, everybody came to our backyard and had lunch and played. Some people gave presents to Jamie and many of them are in her room right now.
I am so glad that my parents participated in the foster care program. I still wish Liana and T were in my family too, but I’m satisfied with Liam and Jamilet right now. Who knows? I might get another foster brother or sister someday.
Remember though, if you decide to do foster care or adoption after reading this, make sure you’re ready for a sprinting, scrambling, skipping 1 and a half year old to pop into your life and make you very busy. Toddlers are quick, hyper, and unpredictable, so you’d better watch out.
(Scobey-Polacheck and her husband Bill have two sons, Jacob and Liam, and a daughter, Jamie. They belong to SS. Peter and Paul and St. Monica parishes. Scobey-Polacheck welcomes dialog regarding her column. E-mail her at <ascobey@hotmail.com>.) |
