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April
2006
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Coping with crisis |
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Shock, denial part of process
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James
Pankratz
Special to Parenting |
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Ht was July 4, 6:10 p.m. Our family was eating supper in the breakfast nook on the north side of the house.
What happened next was unpredictable, and we were powerless to stop it.
The day was warm, but not especially hot, and at suppertime there was a light rain.
I was seated at the table at my usual spot. Imperceptively at first, then gradually building, there was a crackling sound, almost like the buildup to a thunderclap.
Suddenly, sparks shot violently past two small windows on my left overlooking the driveway. I turned to look out the windows overlooking our backyard just in time to catch the cause of our family’s personal fireworks. A huge limb, the size of a tree itself, was breaking off from the sugar maple tree. Next there was brilliant light over our kitchen table, as the five bulbs in the hanging fixture were glowing eerily bright, as if to explode. I think I jumped from the table to turn off the light switch at the other side of the kitchen.
Time elapsed from start to finish: less than 10 seconds.
On its swift descent, the limb had taken down the electrical and phone lines. It was resting on the roof of our garage and on the roof of one of our two cars. Not wanting to become part of the holiday barbecue ourselves, we stayed clear of the tangled wires and tree limb, as we figured out what to do next.
We had experienced a sudden, unexpected break in our daily routine and plans. We had no electricity, and, therefore, no lights, no dishwasher, no refrigeration, and no air conditioning. The fact that much of the world does not even come close to enjoying these conveniences was not a consolation at the time. To us, it was an immediate, although happily not a permanent, loss.
The experience provided me with a small taste of what children experience in reaction to a trauma or loss. When mom and dad sit down with their small children to tell them that they are getting a divorce, for at least one parent, the decision is the final stage in a long process of reflection. That parent has been trying to resolve her ambivalence about whether to remain in the marriage for a long time, usually years. She took more time to work up the courage to actually carry out the decision.
When she tells her husband and the children, she is near the final stage of acceptance. For them the internal coping process is just beginning. They experience an immediate, unexpected, and permanent change in life as they have known it.
What is the first stage in coping with a crisis? You may know it is called “shock” or “denial.” When someone is in denial, he or she appears to be doing all right. It is common for the person to be described as “holding up well” or “taking it in stride.” But don’t be fooled. The full impact of the news and the permanent disruption to follow have in no way hit the person. Yet.
Denial is not primarily a
problem in intellectual
functioning.
Within seconds of the July 4 incident, I was aware of what had happened. However, I was still in denial. How do I know that? After dark, whenever I entered the bathroom or bedroom, I instinctively hit the light switch. When nothing happened, my brain recorded an “Oh, yeah” experience. It happened again and again. I had not assimilated and grasped the implications of the event emotionally yet. Nor could I have.
Denial can be a helpful
coping mechanism.
Denial is not a problem, but a solution. Only when it hardens into a persistent refusal to deal with reality does it evolve into its twin cousin, pathological denial. Initially, however, it is the mind’s way of trying to protect us from experiencing the total tidal wave of the trauma or loss all at once.
It is as if the mind were telling us, “I will let you feel as much as you can tolerate for now, so that you have sufficient energy to keep doing the necessary daily things to live.” It is when the relative numbness of denial wears off that people feel the sadness, and sometimes anger, much more acutely.
When they feel safe emotionally, children may confide in an adult that they wish their mom and dad would get back together again. They may say this years after a divorce. If you are that adult, and you react to the intellectual content of that statement, by giving children facts and figures why that won’t happen, you’re likely not to hear from the children again. It’s not that their feelings have changed. It’s that they learned they can’t trust you to understand.
On the other hand, if you listen and ask questions that let them talk about their feelings, you will be helping them cope emotionally. You will be helping them work through the delicate balance between hope and acceptance of reality. You will be helping them work through the denial.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic Charities Milwaukee regional office.) |
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