|
| ?SHOWING KINDNESS — Fourth graders Patryk Schlomann, Michael Sugar, Ellis Shanley and Jared Pope from Holy Apostles School in New Berlin help Evelyn Wilkening, a resident of Linden Grove Nursing Home in New Berlin, on an art project Jan. 23. (Catholic Herald photo by Sam Lucero) |
These days, the Golden Rule sometimes appears to be a relic, admirable but outdated, like a home-cooked meal in a fast-food age. The message of “do unto others” can get lost amidst computer games that make killing a sport, brawling fans at basketball games, and a “me-first” attitude among everyone from politicians to morning commuters.
How, as parents, do we teach our children about respect and empathy when rudeness runs rampant?
We start with ourselves, says Barbara Searing, director of child ministry in the Christian formation program at St. Mary Parish in Menomonee Falls.
In an e-mail interview, Searing related a Native American story she heard.
“A grandfather was sitting around the fire when he told his grandson that he has two wolves inside him,” she wrote. “The grandson looked at his grandfather with eyes wide open as his grandfather told him that the two wolves are always fighting each other. One wolf is disrespectful, selfish and violent. The other is kind, compassionate and generous.
“With a troubled look, the grandson asked with great concern, ‘Which wolf will win?’
“His grandfather replies, “Whichever one I choose to feed.’”
It is a story that Searing has seen played out for more than three decades.
Families model
respectful behavior
“Most of the families that I have worked with for over 30 years are trying ‘to feed’ and support the innate goodness within their children,” she said. “When children are respected and loved by parents, family and friends, they in turn will try to model this behavior and reach out with respect and kindness to others. When children are insensitive and disrespectful to others, we have to sit them down to discuss the incident and correct the behavior. Children need love and guidance as they make choices in life.”
Searing — who has worked in church ministry at St. Sebastian and St. Therese parishes in Milwaukee, and St. Mary Parish, Hales Corners — has been a pastoral associate, a catechist, and a first-grade teacher.
While she’s seen some troubled children lash out at both their peers and adults in authority, they are the exception; the majority of the children she works with are as respectful and courteous as those she ministered to at the start of her career.
Society has changed since 1970s
Still, she knows society has changed since the 1970s. She’s especially concerned about children who live in poverty-stricken neighborhoods where drive-by shootings, drug deals and gang violence are common.
“I have not worked with children who experienced these extreme living conditions,” she said. “But I feel that alcohol, poverty (and) drugs … have a profound influence on children and this will naturally influence the level of respect and compassion they may exhibit in their lives. If a child has negative influences in his or her life without positive role models, we know that the behavior will be affected dramatically.”
Yet even in the safer neighborhoods, home to the children she sees, she wonders about the impact today’s culture will leave on behavior in the long term.
“There are more electronic and computer games as well as movies, cable and television shows that portray gangs, war and violence. If our children are preoccupied with these forms of entertainment, the end result could be less empathy and care for others,” she said.
Linda Joyner, principal of St. Mary Elementary School, Menomonee Falls, said teachers and coaches regularly see the impact outside influences have on students.
“As teachers and parents, it seems like we spend much of our time deprogramming children from what has become the accepted norms in our society and the media,” Joyner wrote in an e-mail interview.
Peer pressure, television
affect behavior
Lynn Turner, an associate professor of communications at Marquette University, can cite numerous studies on television’s influence on viewers, including one that showed children exposed to plenty of violence on television cartoons played in violent ways themselves.
“In all cases, there is some controversy about the direct cause and effect, but most of the evidence seems to indicate that watching TV does have some effect on people’s attitudes and, in some cases, their behavior,” Turner wrote in an e-mail response to questions.
She pointed to research indicating that while peers are most influential on children’s behavior, television is also a fairly big factor, so parents might want to limit time spent in front of the set, and keep an eye on what’s being viewed.
“It’s a bad idea for families to have so many TVs in their home that people are isolated watching their own shows alone,” Turner said. “If parents watch with their kids (called co-viewing) and then discuss the shows, that increases parents’ influence.”
Some TV shows promote
respect, empathy
Searing said some television shows and movies seem to promote selfish characters and violence, but there are also shows that portray respect and empathy.
“One of the most refreshing shows on television is ABC’s reality show, ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition,’” she said. “It is a show that embraces compassion and goodness as it reaches out to help people who are struggling because of poverty, illness, accidents, etc., and do not have the resources to help themselves.”
The program, which won acclaim from Sojourner magazine last year, can provide opportunities for viewers not only to discuss compassion, but take action as well, Searing said.
“As a family watches this show, they could discuss the contents and perhaps the conversation could lead to a question like, ‘What could our family do to help others who are in need?’ said Searing. Once again, life is filled with choices, and if we watch programs that are rooted in goodness, who knows what valued experiences and possible opportunities will follow?”
Searing said that a few weeks after Hurricane Katrina hit, students in St. Mary’s child ministry program — ranging from kindergartners to fifth-graders — assembled in church for a prayer service for victims and their families.
“At one point in the service, I asked the students how we could share God’s love with these people. The hands flew up and within minutes we had a long list of responses,” she said. “Prayer was at the top of the list, but in addition to prayer we began a collaborative collection with the human concerns committee, day school and youth ministry program. Within weeks, we filled a semi-trailer with supplies for hurricane survivors.”
“Our students and families were very enthusiastic and responsive to our Katrina care drive,” Joyner said. “We focused on collecting baby items rather than money, as we wanted the children to understand what we were doing on a more personal level.”
Among the donations, which included diapers and infant formula, were labels telling recipients they were being included in the prayers of the parish community.
Personal connection
leads to compassion
“It is my belief that when children feel a personal connection with people in need, they develop compassion for them,” Joyner said.
Students also serve meals to the homeless, visit senior centers and hospices and collect donations of school supplies and toys for needy children. These activities spotlight St. Mary’s focus on community service as part of what it calls “Living Jesus.”
St. Mary day school and Christian formation students are joining the parish in a community project that will involve decorating bandanas and making prayer cards for children at a sister parish in Honduras. The project will include at-home activities, such as family discussion, prayer and scripture readings. Additionally, students and their families are encouraged to find ways to use their own time and talents to help others.
Participating in a community service project as a family can send a powerful message to kids because parents are still the moral models children look up to, Joyner said. “Do their children see them ignore someone begging on the street or do they see (parents) show compassion?”
Searing agreed. While the child ministry program focuses on teaching compassion to students by modeling Jesus’ life of care and concern for others, reinforcement of these ideas at home is vital, she said. Families, she believes, provide the greatest influence on developing children, by teaching them not to bully, to respect others, and to embrace differences.
Everyday actions teach
about compassion
Simple everyday actions can do much to teach children about compassion, such as praying together as a family, making visits to elderly and sick neighbors, collecting canned goods for a local food drive. But she cautions that contrary lessons can also be taught — by, for example, parents who attend their children’s sporting events and yell at referees or criticize players.
“Parents are the primary educators of their children since they are the ones who normally love, nurture and instruct their children,” she said. “If a child is born into a caring and loving family, he or she has a good foundation in life. As the family prays together and shares the spirit of Jesus with their children at home, they have planted the seeds of goodness, which will hopefully take root in their children.
“When a child sees his or her parent model compassion and respect for others, I think our children will tend to do the same. If we want to raise compassionate children, we have to live lives of compassion.” |
