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Oct.
2005
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Self-worth
should not be sub par |
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Personal inadequacies are nothing to fear |
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James
Pankratz
Special to Parenting |
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Feeling inadequate is a common experience. People will
go to great lengths to get away from the nagging, gnawing
terror that somehow they don’t quite measure up.
The fear of our inadequacies is the real problem.
Last month I described two ways children react to feelings of inadequacy: by
withdrawing from challenges and socialization with others, or by becoming aggressors
determined to be king of the hill at the expense of others.
As human beings, we have a deep longing to belong to something bigger than ourselves.
We want to be accepted as part of a larger group, usually our family, a team,
classmates at school, or an organization with which we identify.
The problem comes when we fear we are not good enough to be allowed in. Parents
send this message when they compare a son to his older sister, and withhold affection
and praise because his accomplishments fall short of hers. When test scores are “below
average” or a child sits on the bench game after game while the superstars
play, a child can feel inadequate and worthless.
If approval from parents or school is denied him, a child’s hurt can turn
to anger and rage. Joining a gang is an act of angry rebellion, but it may be
motivated by a desperate desire to belong and to prove oneself.
But what if a child’s performance in academics, sports, or some other activity
is objectively below that of the rest of the group? What does that prove? Is
self-worth something to be won? Can self-worth be lost if performance dips below
a socially determined, but always vague and elusive, standard?
Self-worth is different than performance.
There is a way out of the above dilemma. It is the belief that each individual,
regardless of his or her performance, has built-in value or worth. It is a core
premise of Rational-Emotive therapy, which is grounded in both Stoic and Christian
thought. Science cannot prove the inherent worth of each person. It comes down
to an act of faith that all creatures are embraced as good and loved by their
Creator.
It is a principle of that faith that we believe that those whose productivity
is “below par,” as defined by a capitalist, free-market economy,
still have value. It calls us to care for the elderly, the disabled, the sick,
and the poor through private initiative and social policy.
Human beings have a dynamic drive to grow.
Self-acceptance is the catalyst for growth. Hostile criticism and disapproval
rarely motivate someone to change. Instead, they breed self-hate in a child,
sap energy, and lead to depression and sometimes rage. The way to motivate others
to take positive action is not by tearing them down, but by building on their
strengths. This taps into the inner drive of humans to learn more and do more
than we can today.
Acknowledging our limitations can lead to better performance.
Fear paralyzes. When we are stuck in self-condemnation or shame about our performance,
we cannot grow. Our energy is being drained into the defense mechanisms of withdrawal
or aggression.
Personal inadequacies are nothing about which to be afraid. When we accept that
our self-worth is already a given, we realize that ultimately there is nothing
to fear. We can risk the disapproval of others, because our self-acceptance is
grounded in a higher reality. We can freely admit that we don’t know and
can’t do everything.
But we can do something. This frees us to ask for help from others, because we
no longer see them as competitors or judges. We can learn from their ideas and
suggestions. Now we can belong, because our openness builds cooperation with
others.
We are freed to take risks, to learn new ideas and skills and to try them out
in public, because our self-worth is already assured. Thomas Edison did not describe
his many attempts to invent the incandescent light bulb as failures, but as discovering
a hundred ways not to make a light bulb.
Over our lifetime, our measurable performance will always be up and down. Healthy
self-acceptance promotes better performance. As long as we know our performance
doesn’t prove anything about our ultimate worth, we will have the courage
and energy to keep trying to improve it.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic Charities Milwaukee
regional office.) |
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