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Sept
2005
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Not
good enough |
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Feelings of inadequacy can lead to true wisdom |
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James
Pankratz
Special to Parenting |
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One morning this summer I got in touch with a feeling
from childhood. It was a feeling I wanted to leave behind.
Before going to work, I like to walk along a parkway
near our home. One of the joys of summer is the experience
of blue sky, soft breeze, and bird songs along the tree-lined
path. That morning I was drifting along with the gentle
clouds, absorbed in my thoughts, when a car pulled up
alongside me. The driver motioned to me, and rolled down
his window. I knew what was coming next.
“How do I get to....” Before he finished,
my stomach tightened. I knew it. He wanted directions
to a local hospital.
I joke with my family that I suffer from DDD: Direction
Deficit Disorder. I follow one rule in trying to find
a location: I ask myself what my best hunch is, and then
go in the opposite direction. Even then I get lost.
My mind went blank. I took a stab at it, but the impatient
driver could see I was stymied.
“That’s all right,” he said as he took
pity on me. “I’ll find it.”
The whole mood of my walk had changed. Now I felt incompetent
and inadequate. Anyone else walking along this parkway
could have given him the correct directions. And worse,
a minute after I watched him drive off, I remembered
them too. It was so simple ... why couldn’t I just
get it right?
Some feelings of inadequacy have their origin in childhood.
And they usually are most intense when we are with others.
Think of the times when you felt inadequate as a child.
Was it when you struck out in the ninth inning with three
men on base, and your team lost the game? Was it when
you tripped walking to the front of the classroom, and
your classmates howled in laughter? Was it when you threw
up at Thanksgiving dinner, and your grandmother shook
her head in disgust?
Feelings of inadequacy are closely related to embarrassment
or shame. Embarrassment and shame are very deep, powerful
emotions. They cut close to the core. Feelings of inadequacy
are almost always linked with comparing ourselves to
others. The thought is “I don’t measure up” or “I’m
not good enough.”
Feelings of inadequacy are universal. It’s part
of being human. At various times in our lives, we all
feel inadequate. It comes from the realization that as
human beings we are vulnerable to all sorts of things.
Loss of health, status and power can happen to anyone,
and if we live long enough, happen to everyone including
us.
Interestingly enough, pesky feelings of inadequacy are
not the real problem. Amazingly, feelings of inadequacy
can be the beginning of true wisdom. The problem or solution
is in the response, what we decide to believe and do
with the feeling.
Withdrawal
Some children decide that they can avoid the pain of
feeling inadequate. They decide to never put themselves
in situations where they could be rejected or lose. They
don’t sign up for sports, acting, forensics, or
anything risking competition in public. They may never
raise their hand in class for fear someone will think
that their answer is wrong or stupid. They become the
avoiders.
Dominance
Other children decide the best way to avoid the one-down
position is to take the one-up position. They decide
the best defense is a good offense. They are the class
bullies or know-it-alls. Their radar is finely tuned
to hone in on someone in class who is feeling just as
inadequate as they are.
The bully picks up on the signals from the avoider, who
is trying desperately not to be noticed, and goes to
work. He ridicules his looks, his clothes, and his interests.
His is a game of distraction. By getting the rest of
the class to join him in putting down the class scapegoat,
he succeeds in avoiding detection as the fearful person
he really is.
These childhood reactions can solidify into lifelong
adult roles. The avoider can take on the role of the
dependent doormat, overly accommodating to the opinions
of others. The bully can act out the role of the controlling
expert, who is all too willing to tell others what to
do. They couldn’t appear more different, but they
have a lot in common: fear of inadequacy.
Next month: We’ll explore why feelings of inadequacy
are nothing of which to be afraid.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic
Charities Milwaukee regional office.) |
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