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May.
2005
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Adults
set the tone |
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Family
success depends on parents’ attitudes |
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James
Pankratz
Special to Parenting |
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Stepfamilies can provide a safe and nurturing environment
for adults and children to love and grow.
All families are complex because they are made up of individuals
with different and sometimes contrasting personalities,
maturity levels, and life experiences. Stepfamilies can
be especially complex, because of the need to balance
issues of loss and loyalty within a wide range of intergenerational
relationships.
Complexity requires planning ahead. When adults reflect
on, sort out, and choose their options together, they
can make a stepfamily work and even exceed the level of
emotional health in a first family.
In the final analysis, it is not the simplicity or complexity
of a family’s structure that determines its success.
It is, rather, the character and attitudes of the adults
heading the family.
Let’s consider one aspect of stepfamily life —
discipline — from two different adult perspectives,
and see how responses and outcomes change. Although the
people described are fictional, the situations are not.
Scenario 1
After Melinda and her husband divorced, she and her 13-year-old
daughter, Brittany, spent a lot of time together. When
the house was sold, Melinda and Brittany had fun setting
up mom’s new apartment. They picked out a bright
color for the kitchen, and got the landlord’s permission
to do the painting in return for a reduction on the rent
for April. One night when mom dragged herself in the door
after working late, Brittany had put together a supper
of submarine sandwiches, potato chips and salad.
Brittany had a good relationship with her father, and
enjoyed the ever closer bond with her mother. When Brittany
was 15, things changed. Her mother married a man named
Bob. Melinda made promises to do things with Brittany
— promises that kept being pushed into the future.
Now mom insisted Brittany be in bed by 10 p.m. What happened
to the movie nights when she and mom would laugh and cry
together until midnight? No more.
Brittany felt left out. She and mom were no longer best
buddies. She acted out how she felt by not turning in
school assignments, coming home after curfew, and debating
her mother’s every word with the skill of a prosecuting
attorney.
A distraught Melinda confided in her new husband that
she was worried sick about her daughter. Bob felt bad
for his wife, and one night after supper laid down the
law with Brittany. He revoked her TV and Internet privileges,
and told her that if her negative attitude continued,
she would be grounded.
Imagine Bob’s shock when Melinda exploded. She told
him he had gone too far. When she accused him of being
too harsh, he shot back that she was being way too lenient.
This was the beginning of a cycle in their family. It
can be summed up this way: mom complains, stepdad intervenes,
mom criticizes stepdad’s intervention, stepdad withdraws
into resentment. Conflicts escalated, and emotional distance
grew.
Scenario 2
This time when Brittany acts out, Melinda and Bob feel
tempted to react with anger and more restrictions, but
don’t. Instead they discuss the meaning of the change
in Brittany’s behavior. They recognize that children’s
behavior can be a symptom of an underlying feeling and
problem, in this case, feeling left out because of the
new marriage.
Bob sees that taking a hard line will ultimately alienate
him from his wife and his stepdaughter. The couple agrees
to leave the disciplining, i.e. the setting of rules and
enforcing of consequences, up to Melinda, since Brittany
sees her as the authority in her life. Melinda plans time
alone with Brittany on a regular basis and follows through.
Bob and Melinda nurture their new marriage by making time
together a priority. Bob approaches Brittany as an adult
friend, not pushing an agenda, but giving the relationship
room and time to grow. As a family, the three spend time
together, and talk about the experience of taking turns
being “in and out” as a normal and healthy
aspect of stepfamily living.
Melinda and Bob set the family on the track for success
by working together as partners in problem-solving. That
is the key to moving forward within any family structure.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist
at Catholic Charities Milwaukee Regional office.) |
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