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April.
2005
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‘Pick
and save’
Should be goal of most
stepfamilies |
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James
Pankratz
Special to Parenting |
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We love the idea of marriage so much that 75 percent
of women and 80 percent of men remarry within five years
of a divorce.
But the divorce rate for second marriages is 60 percent, roughly 10 percent higher
than for first marriages, so while we seem to love the idea of marriage, as a
culture we don’t spend much time thinking about what makes a marriage work.
In this third in a series of articles on divorce and remarriage, we take a closer
look at the complexity of a remarriage with children.
If achieving a successful first marriage is comparable to driving safely through
rush hour traffic in the rain, achieving a successful second marriage with children
could be likened to navigating a semi through rush hour traffic in Chicago’s
Loop during a blizzard. To succeed you have to know how to drive a big rig in
the snow.
A successful stepfamily results when the family navigates the two key issues
of loss and loyalty. It also helps to learn how to lower expectations when you
can’t control external circumstances.
Stepfamilies fall loosely into four, often overlapping types.
The Brady Bunch
This experience most resembles the ideal first family. The family feels and acts
like a cohesive unit of people who freely express caring and affection for one
another. True emotions are openly communicated and accepted. Loyalty conflicts
are minimal to non-existent, because the divorcing parents remain respectful
of each other’s decisions. They may even be friendly when they meet at
their children’s school and sports events. They make a conscious choice
not to put their children in the middle.
This stepfamily type is most likely when the children are under 9 years of age,
and when the divorced parent is supportive of his or her former partner’s
decision to remarry.
The combat zone
This is the polar opposite of The Brady Bunch. Fighting between parents rages
on long after the divorce through heated phone calls, shouting matches at soccer
games and drop-off times, and most expensively through ongoing legal volleys.
These people go to court almost as often as they go to the grocery store.
Children get the definite message that they need to pick a side. To get dad’s
approval, they need to agree that their mother’s new husband is a threat
and oppose his every attempt to build a relationship with them.
Fighting parents are not really divorced yet. They are not ready to let go. They
are locked in unfinished emotional business. Grief has taken the form of anger.
The tundra
These people are a lot quieter than “the combat zone” people. In
fact, far too quiet. Here adults and children are going through the motions of
family life. To outsiders everything looks all right. They equate tranquility
with emotional health. This family has the external appearance of a family, but
something vital is missing: the heart.
In this family type the grief resulting from the loss of the first family has
been buried. Right after a loss, emotions are alive and flowing. Grieving requires
going with the flow. It means talking about and expressing feelings of sadness.
When grieving is held back and repressed, a block of ice forms separating us
from our own emotions, and then from lively contact with one another. Here family
members need to go back to thaw the grief in order to free them to connect in
the here and now.
Pick and save
This type should be the goal of most stepfamilies. Here the parents give the
children, and themselves, permission to hold onto former family traditions and
rituals. Children are allowed to express their attachment to the absent parent,
without being labeled as disloyal. The remarried couple chooses to adjust their
expectations. They invest in building the marriage relationship, as they patiently
allow time for new family traditions to gradually develop over the years.
They hope that in time affection may be built between the stepparent and the
spouse’s children. But in the meantime they are wise enough to encourage
and settle for politeness, courtesy, and mutual respect. That creates an atmosphere
where affection may, or may not, develop depending on the circumstances.
In stepfamilies, as in other areas of life, the best way to move forward is to
begin with accepting where we’re at today.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic Charities Milwaukee
Regional office.) |
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