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March
2004
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Without
attachment, commitment is difficult |
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James
Pankratz
Special to Parenting |
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A commitment is a choice. Last month this column left
a character named Jason hedging on whether he will commit
to Sarah. If he calls the relationship off, Sarah may
tell him he needs “help.” Sarah’s dislike
for Jason’s choice does not automatically make him
a candidate for therapy. However, something else might.
Some people are seriously limited in their ability to
make a commitment to another person. They lack past experience
of ongoing, dependable attachment. Without the experience
of attachment to draw on, there is limited foundation
on which to build commitment.
Early last fall I attended a workshop presented by Holly
van Gulden of the Adoptive Family Counseling Center. Van
Gulden is a therapist who specializes in working with
children. An experienced speaker, she led the workshop
through a training in the developmental attachment process
of early childhood.
She provided a way to decode and understand children’s
behavior. Take lying, for instance. There is little that
provokes adults more than catching a child in a lie. Warning:
If the caregiver interprets the lying simply as a moral
failing, and labels the child as bad, both caregiver and
child could get caught in a loop of futile struggle. “Lying,”
van Gulden wrote, “is one of the most common and
persistent behaviors of children who have experienced
trauma, neglect, and/or losses.”
She interprets lying as a possible symptom, or sign, of
a missed developmental task of childhood. Looked at this
way, she invites the caregiver to focus on teaching the
child the skills he or she is missing and also to find
a way to meet the child’s previously unmet needs.
When caregivers are confronted with the problem of a lying
child, rather than scolding and blaming the child, van
Gulden suggests it is better to ask the question: “What
has to change to allow this child to feel safe enough
to tell the truth?” Interpreted this way, a child
who lies may be trying to protect him or herself from
feared consequences.
What does this have to do with attachment? Fear makes
attachment impossible. Love and fear are opposites. You
simply cannot attach to another person unless you feel
safe in the presence of that person. And you cannot feel
safe with someone you fear. You have to protect yourself.
Threats may get immediate results, i.e. the child’s
compliance, but destroy the child’s emerging sense
of self in the process. It is only the caregiver’s
understanding that builds the inner desire to do the right
thing, to take the risk of telling the truth.
When I work with families, I remind them their daily actions
can be divided into two categories: those that invite
closeness (attachment) and those that keep others at a
distance. Every look, gesture, tone, word, or other behavior
promotes either closeness or distance. There are no exceptions.
Then I send the families home with the task of keeping
a log during the coming week. They are to list their own
actions (not those of other family members) under one
of two headings: closeness or distance. The goal is to
promote conscious awareness of their own feelings about
attachment.
Attachment is not an intellectual or cognitive function.
It is primarily a sensory experience. If a child cannot
stand the sensory signals, he or she will not attach.
When an infant or child consistently receives verbal and
non-verbal messages of annoyance, frustration, anger,
and indifference, the child feels it is not safe to attach.
When children are raised by a caregiver who is primarily
nurturing and loving, they feel good about themselves
and about the world in which they live. They absorb, or
internalize, feelings of stability, security, and joy
that make them feel that it is safe to trust and to attach.
Early childhood experience has a far-reaching impact on
the capacity of an adult to make successful commitments
in adulthood.
Persistent irritability, anger, and frustration are often
symptoms of depression. A caregiver with these symptoms
could benefit from developing ways to limit stress and
improve self-care. Therapy may help remove the roadblocks
to the joy of attachment.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic
Charities Milwaukee regional office.) |
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