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Feb.
2004
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Commitment:
So much to lose,
so much to gain |
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James
Pankratz
Special to Parenting |
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Do you know anyone who expected to receive something special
over the recent holidays, and didn’t get it?
Perhaps it happened like this. A couple had been seeing
one another for a while, maybe a year or two. Filled with
two parts anxiety and three parts joyful anticipation,
Sarah tossed and turned every night as Christmas drew
near. Jason put several presents under her family’s
tree. On Christmas Eve with candles glowing and carolers
singing in a gentle snowfall, she waited her turn to open
her gifts.
She barely noticed the sweater from grandma or the gift
card from Uncle Louie, but tore open the wrapping on a
huge box from Jason to find ... a big, bulky lamb’s
wool sweater. She cried. “What’s wrong?”
Jason asked. “It’s just so beautiful,”
Sarah sniffled as she scanned the den for a smaller box.
But there were no more presents. At midnight Jason kissed
her goodnight and left. As soon as the front door closed,
she turned to her mother and screamed “Why can’t
he commit?!”
“Maybe he’s waiting ‘till tomorrow to
give you a ring,” mom consoled.
“Yeah, right!” Sarah threw eight tiny reindeer
across the room.
Commitment. A commitment is a promise to do something.
Sometimes it’s a promise to paint a house or loan
someone money. The highest form of a commitment is to
be with another person to freely give support, companionship,
and love no matter what. When a husband remains true to
his wife even as Alzheimer’s steals her personality
and a mother cares for a son with Down syndrome, we know
there’s a commitment.
So a commitment’s a big deal. It’s a risk
with the ultimate demands of that decision, made so merrily
in the sunlight of summer, being unknown and uncertain,
as life’s storms hit in winter. So a commitment
is an act of faith, a decision to stick it out through
the unknown future.
Since there’s so much to lose, a commitment is a
frightening proposition. Maybe we can also understand
Jason’s dodging the leap of faith for now. Why not
play it safe?
A recent survey pointed out that millions of Americans
are making that decision as more people are either delaying
or avoiding marriage altogether. And of those taking the
plunge, approximately 50 percent are divorcing within
10 years.
This is not an article condemning those who divorce. On
the contrary, the fear of long-term commitment is understandable
when we reflect on an essential dilemma of human nature.
Years ago a colleague showed me a simple diagram which
sums up the problem. She drew a line on a sheet of paper.
On one end she wrote “Togetherness” and on
the other “Separateness.”
“The problem,” she said, “is both of
these are equally important to human beings. Yet they
are contradictory.” Then underneath “togetherness”
she wrote “fear of being swallowed up” and
below “separateness” she added “loneliness.”
Let’s say Jason decides to play it safe, sails to
a desert island, and holes up in a cave the rest of his
life. It could work — at least for a while.
But pretty soon conversations with a volleyball with a
face painted on it just aren’t going to cut it.
His loneliness compels him to build a raft and set sail
for the mainland.
Three years later he’s working 60 hours a week,
married with a newborn infant, an irritable wife suffering
from postpartum depression and an anxious mother-in-law.
He’s squeezed against the wall in the rec room teaming
with boisterous in-laws singing the fifth, drunken rendition
of “Deck the Halls.” Hmm, that cave and volleyball
look pretty good. His enmeshment makes him dream of breaking
free.
But does he? No, because Jason has a quality that helps
him cope with the trials of a commitment. While he was
on the island, his loneliness led him to remember Sarah
and all the times they’d talked all night, played
and dreamed together. These times shared led to thoughts
and feelings which make up the important quality of attachment.
Attachment is a feeling of being connected to another
person. Attachment is the feeling which makes the decision
of commitment possible. Attachment is the foundation of
a commitment to a personal relationship. Attachment helps
us through the difficult times because ... well, once
you’re attached, it’s impossible to detach
without leaving some of you behind.
Next month I’ll take a look at the absolutely vital
goal of emotional attachment in early childhood development.
Whether that goal is achieved or not sets the stage for
all that follows.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic
Charities Milwaukee regional office.) |
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