 |
Nov.
2003
|
 |
Parents
spend lifetime preparing for
successful launch |
|
James
Pankratz
Special to Parenting |
|
The signs are everywhere. In late August our older son
began his senior year of high school. Two weeks later
at the dinner table, he was trying to explain the concept
of “limits” to us.
The concept of limits should not be difficult for a middle-aged
man who must remember to bend his knees carefully before
lifting anything over 10 pounds. But this had nothing
to do with that kind of limitation. The “limits”
he was explaining had something to do with calculus, which
he is taking this year. He quickly realized he was talking
to an audience with a limited capacity to grasp limits,
and went back to eating his mashed potatoes.
Another sign took place the following evening. He used
the family car to meet his friends after supper for a
get-together. Later that evening as I drifted off to slumberland,
the phone rang. He was calling, at our request, to say
he was on the way home.
These are all signs that he is expressing his own identity,
socializing outside his family, and going his own way.
In short, he is preparing to leave home. Leaving home
is the culmination of everything that a successful family
strives for: the launching of a self-confident young adult
into an uncertain world. If the family did its job right,
that young person is able to stand on his or her own two
feet both psychologically and eventually financially.
A successful launch requires careful preparation. A while
ago I wrote about the stack of college brochures tumbling
off the dining room table. The year of sorting is coming
to a close. The time for a decision is drawing closer.
Soon he will be submitting his applications to the final
five.
During spring break, my wife and sons went to Minnesota
to check out two contenders. In summer, in a spectacular
feat of planning, my wife and older son flew to Washington,
D.C., visited two more college campuses (plus the Air
and Space Museum), and returned home — all in one
day.
From these two trips our son solidified four of the final
five picks. For the fifth, on a hot July day he and I
drove to Madison to check out UW. After a fast food lunch,
we made our way to the presentation hall. It was packed
with a couple hundred prospective students and their graying
parents. After a video of the sights and sounds of campus
life, a university representative presented a slide show
of statistics. This included the slide tabulating the
total cost of a university education. The representative
removed this slide in a millisecond as an act of mercy
to the parents.
Then a bright and enthusiastic coed named Sarah led a
group of students and parents on a rapid tour of the sun-baked
campus. She was well prepared with a steady flow of facts
and trivia about the university. As we stood atop famous
Bascom Hill, she asked the group how much they thought
a college education cost when the university was founded.
My son guessed $500.
The answer was $50.
The parents wept.
The guide called attention to the charred look of a red
brick building across the street, a remnant of the anti-war
demonstrations of an earlier generation of students ...
my generation. I wondered what unforeseen challenges lay
ahead for the college graduates of 2008.
After cooling off with some terrific ice cream cones at
the student union, my son and I headed home. We had a
great conversation about the day, and about looking ahead
to the future.
So many important decisions with far-reaching consequences
get made in young adulthood. I reflected on the fact that
the auditorium that afternoon was filled with pairs —
an adolescent and a parent, sometimes two parents. Our
children may be leaving us, but they still need our help
to do it.
To be successful, leaving home should not be an abrupt,
violent, and rebellious event, but a transition involving
the active participation and planning of young adults
and parents.
In late summer, college friends of my wife’s came
to Milwaukee to help settle their son at a local college.
He is the youngest of their seven children. As we enjoyed
a meal together on the porch, they talked about their
now very roomy house as well as their plans for the future.
They noted that their son had already made new friends
at college.
Another successful launch appeared well under way.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic
Charities, Milwaukee regional office.) |
|
