In a culture that seems to offer a constant serving of
violence, sexually suggestive entertainment and unpredictable
dangers, parents might be tempted to wrap their children
in protective cocoons in efforts to shield them from an
array of outside negative influences and threats.
But smothering children in a protective environment is
neither entirely possible nor advisable, according to
parenting experts.
Parents don’t need to suffocate children in a protective
cocoon, in a world which continues to bombard families
with new challenges.
They do, however, need to be available for their children
and aware of their needs, and should be cautious when
it comes to things such as the Internet and visits to
the mall.
“I don’t think you can be too overprotective
these days. I think part of parenting is being concerned
about your child at home and school, and what they see
in the community and view in society,” said Lanetta
Greer, a psychotherapist and school social worker for
the Archdiocese of Milwaukee.
The Catholic Herald discussed with Greer and several other
professionals ways parents and caregivers balance the
fine line between being overly protective vs. not protective
or cautious enough regarding their children’s activities
and outside influences.
Numerous factors affect how parents raise their children,
including long working hours, the parents’ perception
of the role of the school, peer pressure, increasing access
to cell phones, the Internet, the mall and movies.
Greer works for Hope and Healing Ministries of Catholic
Charities during the school year, primarily at St. Catherine
and St. Sebastian elementary schools, and St. Joan Antida
High School, all in Milwaukee.
During the summer, she is an independent psychotherapist.
Greer said in a recent interview at St. Catherine School
she thinks children often lack support from home or a
sense of security. While there are many positive aspects
to private schools, the challenge, she said, is some parents
think they can just drop off the child at a private school,
so they can be raised better.
Parents should be
parents first
“Whether it’s a private or public school,
youth still need parental involvement,” stressed
Greer.
“What I see happening today is parents want to be
friends (with their kids) rather than parents,”
she said. Unfortunately, then when their child has problems
in school those parents tend to put a lot of blame on
the school for those difficulties.
Even on basic behaviors, such as when kids will talk out
of turn in class, Greer has seen parents side with the
child and not want to discipline. A lot of times parents
have the same problems at home with kids, “rolling
their eyes and talking back (to the parents),” she
said. In those cases, parents aren’t guiding or
being protective enough for their kids in fostering growth,
as far as Greer is concerned. According to her, if you
have a child whose grades are slipping that’s a
red flag you need to be more protective for whatever reason.
“Then you need to find out why (the grades are slipping)
and seek out help.
“I think sometimes parents don’t know their
kids, or don’t want to feel like a failure or it’s
a battle they don’t know how to approach,”
she said. In those cases, Greer said the parents need
to work with the school and seek help in the community.
“Some parents do show up at school and start working
with us. We tell them this doesn’t mean you’re
a failure, we’re working together now. That child
may just need more attention from mom and dad,”
said Greer.
On the other hand, Greer said parents can be too protective,
especially if they have a child who consistently puts
forth a good effort in academics at school, and who shows
a pattern of being responsible. “I think overprotection
is when you refuse to let a child go to the dance or this
basketball game. I think sometimes we say no when we could
be saying ‘I trust you.’ We don’t understand
how important socialization is for kids,” said Greer.
“Too much sheltering will ruin them, they won’t
know how to respond socially in different situations.”
But, still, for the most part, Greer sees a need for parents
to step in and be around more in their children’s
lives.
Restaurants, malls
not babysitters
Outside of school, Greer has seen children as young as
7 or 8 years old dropped off unsupervised at Chuck E.
Cheese’s pizzeria.
The pizza place is used as a babysitting service, she
noted. She’s also watched as younger students are
dropped off at shopping malls. “I would say kids
12 and up are old enough to go to a mall together (for
a limited time), not a 9 or 10-year old,” she said.
The same is true for movies. “It’s not appropriate,”
she said of parents who use community facilities such
as restaurants or theaters as babysitters for younger
children.
And what about when invitations to sleepovers at friends’
houses start? How does a parent ensure the values they’ve
tried to impart to their child are protected? “If
a child is going to a sleepover, I would call to touch
base with the parents and just share things about your
child. You might want to say, ‘even though my child
says he or she can, I want you to know watching R-rated
movies are things my child is not allowed to do,’”
said Greer. “But that takes time — you need
to make these contacts. I don’t think that’s
being overprotective.”
For some teens, cell phones have become appendages to
their ears. “I don’t think youth need to have
a cell phone, except for emergency purposes,” said
Greer. She added a cell phone, however, may be a necessity
or a safety measure when a teen starts to drive.
Then there’s the teen curfew — generally 11
p.m. — which exists at night for 17 year olds in
Milwaukee and the surrounding suburbs.
“So many kids at 15 years old are out and about
because parents aren’t home,” said Greer.
But even at home, when friends are over, parents need
to be on hand, need to be part of their youths’
space. “You don’t need to be confrontational,
however you need to lend an ear and ask them how it’s
going,” she said. In other words, Greer said a parent’s
presence needs to be felt by their own children and other
youths who’ve gathered at their home. The parent
or parents can’t be isolated upstairs in the bedroom
reading or doing work.”
Peer pressure is powerful
force
Even with the most careful parenting approach, there’s
the challenge of peers. Greer, who teaches social skills
to children, doesn’t underestimate the power of
peer pressure.
“I just talked to kids (at St. Catherine) about
self-esteem. I told them you need to have a hierarchy
of people in your life. I told them mine are God, parents
and people I work with.” But on occasion she said
youth in various schools have asked her what if my parents
aren’t at the top of the list like your parents
are. “Parents need to see this. They don’t
see the difficulty of being at the bottom of the list,”
and not available for their kids — then you do have
unprotective parents,” she said. In cases like that,
Greer suggests students look to the qualities of special
teachers or classmates they admire and can confide in.
Greer believes dating shouldn’t begin before age
16. At that point they can drive and have more freedom.
But she said, “it’s only fair for parents
to meet the person their teen will be going out with.
A red flag could be if your child does not want you to
meet that person, then you need to sit down and talk,”
she added.
Parents also need to work together with others in raising
children. Her own parents lived by the motto, “It
takes a village to raise a child,” Greer noted of
her experiences as a child growing up on Milwaukee’s
north side. Parents need to work with their neighbors,
and community, she said.
They need to communicate enough so a neighbor would be
comfortable telling another, “I heard your child
swearing over on the corner the other day.”
Parents must be role
models
Some parents are non-protective because “they feel
their children are at little or no fault involving frictions
(at school), according to Adrianne Sumlin, a parent at
St. Catherine School, Milwaukee. These parents tend not
to believe their child has acted inappropriately when
they (parent) are called in for a conference with the
teacher. “They tend to send their children to school
as if it were a day care center,” she said. “These
types of parents are selfish and have little or no interest
in their child’s well-being. Most children in these
types of homes are neglected.”
Sumlin said she believes non-protective parents can cause
children to misbehave and be disrespectful to adults and
their peers. “It can also cause them to have social
problems, and even become rebellious,” she added.
Overall, she thinks parents who are non-protective know
very little about parenting, but most of all “they
lack spirituality,” she said.
On the other hand, she sees protective parents as those
who interact with their children and the schools they
attend. “They go to as many school meetings as possible,
and they work with their child at home,” she said.
“They go out of their way to meet the needs of the
child.” Sumlin gave an example of one time when
one of her children had a problem in school. She said
she sat in the child’s classroom and monitored the
child’s behavior. “If I wasn’t a protective
parent, my child wouldn’t have got the necessary
help,” she said.
Sumlin said she didn’t mean to imply non-protective
parents don’t love their children. “I’m
merely saying being a parent has responsibilities, and
it’s not all about you anymore. Being a parent has
taught me to be a role model for my children,” said
Sumlin.
Nurturance without rigid structure
Research suggests the best outcomes for children are associated
with high levels of nurturance (love and support), and
moderate levels of structure (rules and limit-setting),
according to W. Hobart Davies, an associate professor
of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.
“We can see problems associated with either too
much or too little structure,” he said. “This
makes it a challenging area for parents and one that must
be constantly re-evaluated over time,” he said.
“Setting appropriate limits requires that we really
pay attention to what our kids are doing and who they
are doing it with.”
Davies stressed the importance for parents to remind themselves
the privileges of allowing their children to go places
should be earned gradually overtime and should be limited.
But, he said arriving at universal guidelines for ages
at which children and adolescents should be allowed to
do certain things is difficult. “It really depends
on the child, the peers and the activity,” he said.
But Davies went on to say, “Use of the Internet
raises unique concerns for the safety of children today.
The potential for easily, even incidentally, coming in
contact with developmentally inappropriate material or
dangerous people should raise concern for all parents.
Parents should make every effort to keep up on the technology.
“I recommend, but not rely on filtering software,”
he said. “Finally, I see no reason children should
have Internet access on computers in their bedrooms or
other private areas. It makes good sense that computer
use take place in public places in the home.” |
