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May
2003 |
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Are
parents teaching the wrong lesson? |
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It's
not 'be all you want to be,'
but rather 'be all God wants you to be' |
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New mothers and fathers are a study in what we mean by
“awed.” They can barely drag their gaze from
one tiny feature to the next: delicate petal lips that
yawn in a perfect “O,” doll-like fingers and
toes and, of course, that wish-you-could-bottle baby smell.
Part of the contemplation process on this brand new life,
whose past is unknown and whose future stretches freshly
ahead, is the random possibility of becoming. What parent
does not look into dark, unfocused eyes and see presidents
and princesses?
Implied in such gazing is hope. This fresh landscape of
human personhood — fitting neatly between the palm
of a hand and the crook of an elbow — holds the
promise of what is now and what can be. With all the right
intentions of the good and faithful stewardship with which
God entrusts us as parents, we pledge that this child
will live up to and into her potential giftedness.
But we forget that part of the pledge must be the child’s
own, and even then it must be gleaned from the God-seed
which was breathed into the moment of conception. Just
as the acorn cannot be anything other than an oak tree,
each one of us carries the Creator’s seed of utter
uniqueness.
Our uniqueness is most truly realized in cooperation with
God, whose “idea” we are in the first place.
Unlike the acorn, which will go about the business of
becoming an oak tree as long as it receives good soil,
water and light, we humans have to “consult”
with God along the way in order to grow into who we are
really meant to be.
Internal
voice beckons with life’s work
In the church today, vocation refers to one’s state
in life: single — including lay and religious —
married, or ordained, rather than describing one’s
life’s work. But there is another way to think of
vocation. Rooted in the Latin word for voice, this sense
of call is something that one hears instead of pursues.
Furthermore, it is an internal rather than an external
voice.
Annette Hollander, psychiatrist and mother, writes: “What
we can do for their (children’s) spiritual life
in the first five years is to allow their joyfulness to
inspire us, and encourage them to continue to expand their
love and wonder even as they enter the age of reason.”
Such encouragement must include ourselves, since the responsibility
of parenting can sometimes put us in the category of the
“terminally serious!”
That internal voice which filled us with joy and wonder
as young children, satisfying innate curiosity, can only
be God’s voice. The voice does not diminish over
the years but, tragically, we begin to betray our own
inner compass as the external voices become louder and
more insistent. “You can’t make any money
in music theory.” ... “Sign up for the most
difficult major and go from there” ... “Right
now they’re crying for teachers.”
Vocation is not a
goal, but a gift
Kerry (not her real name) was a sophomore at a prestigious
eastern university, solidly on track to a stellar career
in research medicine, when she became pregnant. Now, some
years later, Kerry takes every opportunity to “shape”
her daughter’s educational goals so that they might
pick up where Kerry’s left off.
Unless we begin to think of vocation not as a goal to
be achieved, but as a gift to be received, we will continue
to carry the burden of living someone else’s life.
There is an old Hasidic tale which illuminates beautifully
the importance of becoming one’s self: Rabbi Zusya,
when he was an old man, said, “In the coming world,
they will not ask me: ‘Why were you not Moses?’
They will ask me: ‘Why were you not Zusya?’”
As young people, we are surrounded by expectations that
do not reflect who we really are, by people whose sense
of order compels them to put us into certain categories.
Johnny loves to take things apart; maybe he will be a
forensic scientist. Jill is not a good listener; she will
always be a difficult student.
A Chinese child will ask, “How does a baby grow?”
while an American child will ask, “How do you make
a baby?”
Educator Parker Palmer, in “Let Your Life Speak
(Jossey-Bass, 2000),” writes, “From an early
age, we (Americans) absorb our culture’s arrogant
conviction that we manufacture everything, reducing the
world to mere ‘raw material’ that lacks all
value until we impose our designs and labor on it.”
It is nearly impossible for a child to discern his true
vocation without some help locating his inner voice. (Such
discernment is a constant process of evolution lasting
as long as we live). This requires awareness on the part
of parents and other significant adults. The following
points may first allow parents to begin to hear the distant
strains of their own vocations, and in turn assist their
children.
• Our hearts are much better
guides than our heads.
• Vocation is not
an act of will. It is the voice telling us who we are
and not what we must do.
• Our limitations
and mistakes are clues to vocation, as much as are our
strengths and achievements.
Jesus
is model of discipleship
A delightful little book entitled “Sweet Dreams
For Little Ones,” by Michael Pappas (Winston Press,
1982), places the child as a main character in fantasy
tales which focus on respect, responsibility, skill and
well-being (see sidebar). Tools of the imagination engage
us most easily in vocation’s inner conversation.
It is the same tool Ignatius of Loyola used in the Spiritual
Exercises: putting ourselves into Gospel scenes in order
to hear what Jesus has to tell us about our lives. As
Christians, we look to Jesus as our model of discipleship.
Discipleship is another word for discerning vocation;
how well are we listening to that internal voice in responding
to God’s goodness in the world. Who am I? and Whose
am I?
It is important to remember that Jesus lived counter-culturally.
He lived his vocation by way of his internal voice, the
one that repeatedly called him to question and to indict
the external voices in his world.
Again from Palmer: “Our deepest calling is to grow
into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms
to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will
not only find the joy that every human being seeks —
we will also find our path of authentic service in the
world.”
(Gannon is director of RCIA
(Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) at St. James
Parish, Mequon.) |
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