Speak the truth to your kids

The most important thing to remember in dealing with our kids is we need to speak the truth to them. And that means that we need to educate ourselves on issues such as sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and biology. There are many Web sites and books to help.

As they approach fourth and fifth grade, they are ready to hear about the changes that will start happening in their bodies. Girls in fourth grade and boys in fifth grade begin having nighttime hormone surges. Boys and girls may have the "weepies" or the "rages." This is the ideal time to make sure that your girls get to play with some babies. Developmentally they are learning about mothering during this time.

School sex education programs begin in earnest at about this time. We bow to the "experts" in sex education and assumed they know best. Some of the "experts" are rethinking the norm. William McGrath, an Arizona psychiatrist says, "There is a phase of personality development called the latency period during which the healthy child is not interested in sex. This interval from age 5 until adolescence serves an important biological purpose. It affords a child an opportunity to develop his own resources, his beginning physical and mental strength. Premature interest in sex is unnatural and will arrest or distort the development of the personality. Sex education should not be foisted on children; (it) should not begin in grade schools."

I understand that this is countercultural, but I think it has merit.

Mixed sex ed classes
lead to problems

Attend the classes with your child so you can discuss what is being taught. I am increasingly opposed to mixed sex education classes at this age. This is a time when children are naturally modest and being in a setting where the teachers are intentionally desensitizing children to body part names erodes naturally occurring boundaries of modesty. It is often after these classes that the young males begin making crude comments to girls.

In some cases, contraceptive information and graphic descriptions of sexual activities may be presented. Our young teens may be embarrassed by things like condom demonstrations. The bottom line is the message of the program needs to be age appropriate, value laden and abstinence-based. Many give a double message – it would be nice if you could control yourself, but since you can't, let us tell you about contraception.

Prepubesence is a time to be talking openly with daughters about the wonder of being woman; our cycles, our capacity to give life. During this time they are interested in general information about birth – especially their births. Answer their questions honestly, but please spare them the horror stories of your labors. They are impressionable and can easily become terrified of giving birth. This is an ideal time to share books or videos of life before birth. Even if they protest that it is gross, they will be fascinated.

Early dating often leads to early sex

Junior high is a time to pay close attention to boy/girl interactions. This is a time when parents become obsessed with the popularity of their child and begin to encourage pseudo-dating activities. Those who begin dating at 12 are 91 percent likely to have sex by age 18. If they wait until 16, the number drops to 20 percent.

Simple parental guidelines really help. We told our kids from grade school on that individual dating wasn't allowed until 16. Group activities are fine and special events like formal dances may call for special dispensation, but in a group setting, with clear curfews and no boy/girl sleepovers. I don't care what other parents say!

A Harris poll of teens, asked what arguments have the most effect in delaying sexual activity teens and found that threats of disease like AIDS and herpes and discussing the disrupting impact of a premature pregnancy were effective. Over half said fear of parental reaction to initiating sex was a key factor, too.

Recent research indicates that because their brain is still developing, teens are susceptible to impulsive behavior. Hormonally they become interested in the other sex. Sexual experimentation may begin. (Most teen sex happens at home after school.) This is the time to start educating on why healthy sexual choices make for a happy life. As parents, it is a time to become extra-vigilant. At this age, children may lie, especially about sexual activity, so make sure you know what is happening.

Teach daughters about fertility awareness

Girls are interested in learning about fertility awareness. Here are some points of information that we can share with them.

• Explain that early to mid-cycle, during ovulation, their bodies are more intrigued by sex. This is a time for group activities.

• Research shows that girls dress more suggestively during this time of month.

• All females give off scent molecules called pheromones that change during ovulation and cause testosterone rushes in males.

• Sexual intercourse sets off a series of biochemical changes in women. Every partner causes an immune system reaction because our body must recognize that the fluids of our partners are not foreign material or we would never conceive a child. Every time we have a sexual partner our body changes.

• Recent research shows we carry cells from every child we ever conceive the rest of our lives. Sex does change us. Our children need to understand this.

• Familiarize yourself with the facts of STDs and the risks. (See the book list.)

Also familiarize yourself with the risks of contraceptives for teens:

• Women on the Pill, when they choose a mate, choose differently based on pheromones than women not on the Pill.

• In teens, the Pill alters mucous, making the person more susceptible to STDs, and extended usage before age 20 has been linked to an increased risk of breast cancer.

• Talk to your daughters about the freedom that comes with good choices -- freedom from worry about STDs, pregnancy and abortion.

• Assure her that she can talk to you about anything and promise her you won't yell at her. Tell her if she's ever in a situation she needs to get out of that she can call and you'll come get her -- no questions asked.

• Let her know that should a pregnancy ever happen, you will be there for her. Girls need this reassurance. Many girls have abortions because they are terrified to tell their parents they are pregnant.

• All teens need affection from both parents throughout adolescence, even when they turn away or scoff.

• Ask your daughters to promise you one thing and that is when a boy suggests sex, she will take 24 hours to really think about the implications for her life. Teens really like this suggestion. There is never a need to rush into sex. It is the most precious gift we have. It is the total gift of ourself. I ask girls how they'd feel if a guy gave them a lovely ring and then they discovered that it was the same ring he'd given two other girls. So too with sexual intimacy if it is randomly shared. It is worth keeping for the "right" person and in marriage.

• For younger teens and older teen-age boys, a strong sense of connectedness with their mothers in which the teen feels close to mom and perceives that she is warm and caring makes a difference. This effect was not seen among older teen-ager girls.

Teen-agers are less likely to start having sex when their mothers are involved in their lives, have a close relationship with them, and stress the importance of education.

Tell sons they have equal responsibility

If you are parenting sons, it is time to explain there are two partners in a sexual relationship and both have equal responsibility.

• Tell them about the consequences of sex for girls and remind them males also contract STDs.

• Condoms do not protect against many STDs. Twenty percent of couples having sex using condoms will become pregnant within a year.

• Talk about the difference between love and lust. If you love someone you want only the best for them. If you are in lust, then the other is purely an object whose purpose is to meet your needs.

• Challenge them to be men of honor.

• We need to prepare our sons for sexual pressure from their girlfriends. We need to explain about ovulation and that if she is pressing for sex, she is probably in that phase of her cycle. Chances of a pregnancy occurring are very high.

• Tell them it is OK to say no.

• Ask them to make the same promise about waiting 24 hours to think this over.

Speak the truth about pornography

Dare to speak the truth about pornography. (Know that your kids know if you have a hidden collection!) In dealing with our sons, our message needs to be clear. There should be no double standard. Our sons can lead chaste lives as well as our girls. One of my sons was mortified the day I found an interesting magazine in his room. After delivering an impassioned and graphic lecture on why women are not "objects," sexual slavery and the addictive nature of pornography, we adjourned to the back yard where he burned the magazine, page by page in the grill. The message was clear and unequivocal. I believe this message is most effective coming from the mother, but with the father present.

Educating our kids for a life of sexual integrity is not one "big" talk but ongoing communication. Insert your values when watching television. Ask questions about how your kids perceive situations. Read the teen magazines and discuss the stories with your kids. Never miss a chance to speak your values. You want your child to hear your voice when they are faced with a dicey situation. Go on the Web and look at sites like www.teenwire.com to see the alternative messages that our kids get.

There is no other choice in life that can so radically alter the course of a life in such a short time. Let us prepare our kids to face the challenge, armed with the truth that will keep them free.

(Thorn, a member of St. Catherine Parish, Milwaukee is director of the National Office for Post-Abortion Reconciliation and Healing, and founder of Project Rachel, a faith-based post-abortion reconciliation program.)