Catholic Herald Parenting™

	Friends of the Family

Second of two parts. Part one appeared in the December issue of Catholic Herald Parenting.

How do hostages survive? Your keeper is unpredictable. You've seen him snap awake from a nap and, before you can take a breath, explode in full fury at one of your fellow hostages because she accidentally bumped his chair. You've learned to watch his face intently for any clue, twitch, change in voice inflection, or turning of the head that might alert you to a pending eruption. Then you can make yourself very, very small and, like a clever chameleon, disappear into the pattern of the wallpaper to avoid detection.

Last week you weren't so smart. You and another hostage were sitting on the front porch late one afternoon. You checked your watch. It was 5:30 p.m. He was late. You looked anxiously at your fellow hostage. You knew what this means.

Suddenly you caught a hint of movement out of the corner of your eye. You jumped up to run, but he grabbed your arm and you fell onto the wooden porch stairs. A red gash suddenly inflamed your leg. You broke free and ran, but there was no where to hide. For a half hour your inebriated father lectured you on the meaning of respect. Then he dissolved into blubbering tears begging his baby girl to forgive him.

Self Blame

You know it's your fault. If only you hadn't tried to run, this never would have happened. Maybe if you had smiled politely and said as cheerfully as you could manage, "Hi, dad. How was your day at work?" he would have been nice. But instead you ran! Of course, he blew up! How could you be so stupid? You should know better by now.

Self-blame is a survival technique. It's one way that a child tries to get away from feeling helpless in an abusive family system. If I caused it; then I can stop it.

There are other forms of survival. All are driven by fear.

Joining the Abuser

This dynamic appears most disturbing to an outsider. The abuser may single out a child for ridicule. That child may remind him of his wife, or himself, presenting characteristics, such as vulnerability, which he refuses to accept in himself. When he humiliates this scapegoat at the dinner table, the rest of the kids join in. They may even inform dad of something the scapegoat did or said which adds further fuel to dad's fire.

Everyone knows lightning is bound to strike. By joining dad, at least the child feels some control into the direction of the strike. If it's my sister, then I'm spared. Again the goal is survival.

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat may believe that she is as bad as dad says she is. And she may learn to live down to his expectations by getting in trouble with the law, taking drugs, dropping out of school. The scapegoat is also doing the rest of the family a service. By drawing fire, she draws it away from the others. Some scapegoats know this. And the scapegoat is the one family member who is most likely to give you the straight scoop on what is really going on in the family.

The Rescuer

The rescuer also sees things clearly. But unfortunately he is like the lone, crazy hero in a movie who runs over the hill to attack the enemy, but fails to turn around to see that no one is following him. He takes dad on telling him he's wrong, but gets chewed up and spit out in the process. No one backs him up. They may admire his guts, but they're too scared to join him. The system stays the same, because a child has no authority or power to change it.

The Peacemaker

Mom does have the authority to change things. But she is caught up in trying to negotiate peace between her husband and her children. She treats them as if they were equals, ineffectually urging both sides to try to make more of an effort to just get along. She says "You know how your father is. He loves you; he just doesn't know how to show it." She excuses his behavior and expects the children to excuse it, too. She is afraid to face the fact that her husband cannot be reasoned with.

Everyone feels helpless, and often guilty, for not doing more to support and help one another. But the truth is, only an adult can stand up effectively to another adult. There are ways out. One is that the other parent decides he or she has had enough and begins building courage to leave. Another is that the errant behavior of the scapegoat attracts the attention of an outside system, which steps in to intervene and stop the violence. Remember the scapegoat is trying to help.

It takes real, authentic courage for anyone in an abusive family system to stand up. The first step is for a child, or the other parent, to tell someone outside the family. Talking openly is the key that begins to unlock the door of the cage. This openness violates a cardinal rule of the abuser, which is "What happens in the family is nobody else's business." To take a stand one must actively defy this family rule despite the possible harsh consequences.

And when someone talks? We had better listen. What they have to say will disturb and shock us to our core. We won't want to believe it. We will want to assure ourselves that things could not possibly be as bad as we just heard they are. But if we discount or sugarcoat or ignore or fail to act upon the information disclosed to us, then the family member may not have the courage to tell again. Then we join with the abuser in keeping the terrible, painful secret. And the hostages will stay right where they are.

(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic Charities Milwaukee regional office.)