Catholic Herald Parenting™

	Friends of the Family

I recall early in my career as a therapist conducting a session with a mother and her children. The conversation was flowing normally, when suddenly there was a knock at the door. Dad walked in and sat down. He said only "hello" and turned his head to stare slowly and deliberately at his wife and each of the children. Wife and children froze. Silence. Fear had entered the room. I felt it too in the pit of my stomach.

If I could have read the thoughts of the family members, they might have gone something like this: "Did I say too much?" "Did I say things about the family that dad told me never to talk about to strangers?" "I kept my mouth shut. Will dad think I didn't?" "It's not safe to say anything now." "What will dad do when we get home?"

The abuser operates out of a need to control. He uses tools to maintain his dominance. The primary tool is anger, expressed through volcanic, unpredictable eruptions. He destroys property or inflicts temporary or permanent injury. Or he may be more subtle. Innuendo, insinuation, contempt and sarcasm can also wound. More tools include direct and implied threats, promises, and disclosures that pit one family member against another. The goal is the same: to conquer through fear. He feels secure when everyone is helpless and submissive.

He has a deep, dark secret. It may even be a secret to himself. Deep inside, he feels small, inadequate and insecure. A rule of thumb is the louder the roar, the greater the depression. He is afraid, too, of not measuring up to an impossible standard. He may fear being abandoned. But don't expect him to let you know it. The only time you may be let in on this little secret is when the spouse works up her courage to leave. Then you may get a fleeting glimpse of the scared child underneath with crying, pleading and promises to change.

It is sometimes hard for an outsider to understand why a spouse allows this to continue. Why doesn't she say "enough" and leave? Because of fear. Sometimes terror.

First, there is the reality of dependency. In many ways family members feel dependent upon the abuser. The wife may fear that she could never make it financially if she left. She may believe what her husband tells her, that she is worthless, and no one in the world would ever accept her ... except him. Or she may know the secret behind all the anger and worries that he couldn't really make it without her. She may submit to try to protect him.

Second, the abuser isn't always and only an aggressor. At one point in their history, maybe even now, they've shared moments which have created an emotional attachment between them. At times, he may be what every human being can be: funny, interesting, and even caring. Human beings are anything but simple. The spouse feels torn between caring and fear.

This applies even more to the children, who may be bounced on daddy's knee one moment, and thrown against the wall the next. They know they are too young to leave home and take care of themselves, and they desperately want love and acceptance from their father. They hope that one day if they are good enough, perfect enough, they may earn it. What we know (and the children do not) is that there is absolutely no correlation between their achievement and his behavior. His behavior is chosen by him and him alone.

Third, the spouse may stay because she knows his threats of violence to her and the children are real. He has already been physically violent and is completely capable of doing it again. Threats should be taken seriously.

A useful way to think about anger is that it is an addiction. Like all addictions, it is a "solution" to another problem. The abuser feels worthless, inadequate, and insecure. The anger makes him feel powerful and in control. When a parent is beating a child, the rage and physical exertion result in a rush of adrenaline, a powerful chemical which acts as a stimulant. Anger and rage make the abuser feel better.

After the adrenaline wears off, remorse may set in. To deal with remorse, the abuser may say he's sorry and he will never do it again. Or he may rationalize that his actions were needed to "discipline" an unruly child who would head down the wrong path if he failed to intervene. These are self-serving statements. They're designed to alleviate guilt and set up the justification for more use of the anger drug.

The only way the abuser can recover is to allow himself to feel the depression and anxiety which precede the abusive behavior.

He needs to learn to tolerate these emotions and gradually replace them with self-acceptance.

Abusers can be male or female; rage is an equal opportunity employer. The good news is the reign of terror can be broken. The abuser demands loyalty in the form of secrecy. What roles do family members play in keeping the secret? What happens if someone decides to talk about what is going on in the family? More about that in the next column.

(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic Charities Milwaukee regional office.)