Catholic Herald Parenting™

	Keeping Faith

"No talking. Your stomach will fill up with air and you won't have room for your food." My dad, God bless him, landed on this piece of logic to explain half-eaten dinners night after night. Never mind the fact that there would never be enough room for liver, boiled spinach, or brussels sprouts.

Neither was there room for good-natured banter, exchange of ideas, opinions on current events or general reports of the day. Fortunately, today most parents understand the value of interchange among family members, even if every day does not present the optimum opportunity for discourse worthy of a journal entry. The important thing is to provide a setting in which such communication can happen on a regular basis, namely, the dinner table.

We know that families of the 21st century have much more on their minds than finishing up the chores and getting their hands washed by 6 p.m. Often two parents work full-time jobs. Or there may be just one parent, who works and parents on a full-time basis. Throw today's kids and their mind-boggling schedules into the mix and you have what on some days comes close to insanity.

Is it even possible to seat such a jumble of family members at the table in the evening every day? Yes. With a real commitment to the value inherent in the action of breaking bread together and flexibility to adapt to changing schedules, we can learn to live out the challenges of the U.S. bishops' pastoral message to families, "Follow the Way of Love:" living faithfully, giving life, growing in mutuality and taking time. We, in the domestic church, can give each of these elements deserved attention by honoring a customary period devoted to feeding bodies and souls.

If possible, begin deliberate conversation at dinner with children when they are of preschool age. As any parent knows, kids depend on established routine. Questions like, "What did you like about today?" or "Tell us something new you learned today" will generate a ready answer from young children. (Be prepared to occasionally hear news like, "Moms are fatter than dads.") Tradition rooted in early years builds upon itself. As the children mature, so do the dinner table "seminars."

Stories fascinate people of every age. Funny stories, tales from one's own childhood, and especially true stories elicit pleas for more. One rule of thumb: do not attempt to moralize when telling a story. This is an automatic turn-off for teens; a good narrative will speak for itself.

The Mennonite Brethren Herald reports that 58 percent of households have the television on during meal times. Such a habit guarantees no substantial interchange among family members. However, television programs are a good topic for dialogue. A subtle challenge implied in, "What do you like about that show?" may spur some critical thinking for a teen-ager.

Again, good listening can be much more effective than sermonizing. William Damon, in "Greater Expectations" (Free Press, 1995) writes, "While capturing the imagination of parents and educators in recent years, the mission of bolstering children's self-esteem has obscured the more promising and productive possibilities of childrearing. We would do better to help children acquire the skills, values, and virtues on which a positive sense of self is properly built."

Helping to shape a positive identity in a child can be daunting. Telling children we love them, that God has gifted them specially, that they are great human beings is important. But, as Damon points out, when kids have the skills to tell themselves these things as well, it is a much more powerful message.

An excellent resource which addresses the need for adolescent development of Christian living skills is Michael Carotta's, "Nurturing the Spiritual Growth of Your Adolescent" (Harcourt, 2002). Carotta introduces skills in five management areas:

• religious experience;

• moral decision making;

• emotional management;

• Gospel living;

• forecasting.

Acknowledging the fact that children's lives unfold in small measures goes a long way to settle a parent's anxiety about whether or not he or she has the "skill to impart the skills." Concentrate on what's happening today, rather than yesterday or tomorrow.

As the family is seated for dinner, we must allow ourselves as parents to experience some joy in this moment of God's creation. What a marvelous testament to everyday miracles. Treasure the curve of each child's nose, the color of their hair. Do their eyes sparkle or are they dim tonight; how can we address that in our conversation together (emotional management).

If there is a ritualized grace before meals, learn to add a spontaneous thanksgiving for this one's sense of humor, and that one's compassion for a friend. Modeling prayer is one way to develop a religious imagination in children (Gospel living).

Children like to see candles on a table, even if they are stuck into soda bottles and don't match. The soft flicker of light invites a family to slow down and savor this time together. Our kids will also ask "who these are lit for," as we will often burn a candle for a special intention or for a friend or relative in need of prayer (religious imagination). And, of course, there is the anticipation of blowing them out at the end of the meal!

Confrontation impedes digestion, to say the least. Save it for later. If we are good listeners, inevitably stories of our children's friends' encounters with parents, teachers or one another will come up. These are excellent teaching moments, but we must take care not to "teach."

Questions like, "What do you think about that?" or "Would you have done something differently?" usually stir up the desired moral imperative, only in kid-language. Helping them to come up with their own answers anchor the truth in a way that being told the same thing can not do (moral decision making).

One of our children, when she was very small, wanted to grow up to be a shooting star. Precious images are a wonderful way to remember the past in the family community of the present. They can also be catalysts for discussion about the future. It is quite possible that the genetic and creative mapping in the seed of every human being gives us clues very early regarding who we are at the core. Does our "shooting star" look toward setting goals for leadership, spirituality or environmentalism (forecasting)?

In order to get a toddler's attention, it is necessary to get two inches from their faces and say, "Look at me." To be honest, the same tactic is sometimes necessary with a teen who is distracted by the television or radio.

Dinner table seminars are a way of being present to children of all ages, but we are saying instead, "I am looking at you."

(Gannon is director of RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) at St. James Parish, Mequon.)