Catholic Herald Parenting™

Dramatic fashion statements by teens may appear to be a rejection of core values. How can parents balance their own values of respect with youthful creative expression?

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Connie Pire thought she had made herself clear.

No tattoos. Allowing either of her children to get one, she felt, would pose a health hazard. And once it's there, it's a statement that remains forever.

Then her 18-year-old daughter Lauren came home during her freshman year at the University of Wisconsin -- Madison. With, yes, a brand new tattoo.

"I don't know how we could have been clearer about this. We asked her not to do it," Pire reflected.

"We did let her know that she let us down and betrayed what we felt was important. She felt terrible that she had disappointed us. She apologized. But the deed was done. What were we going to do about a tattoo? Her decision was made and now she's going to have to live with it for the rest of her life."

Tattoos. Belly rings, nose rings, eyebrow rings. Hair dyed all sorts of crazy colors. Many teen-agers say it's about nothing more than appearances, or perhaps a form of individualism, a type of creative expression.

But to many parents, altering one's appearance in such a dramatic -- and often permanent -- fashion is about something more. To some, it's about respect, for your body, your family, the people who love you. And to others, it's about even more. It's about core values, and getting a tattoo or piercing represents a decision to defy the very values that the family embraces.

It's a dilemma more families are facing, especially with the growing pressure on children to grow up faster. And with magazines mapping the locations of all of pop music star Christina Aguilera's 11 piercings, the pull for children to make similar "statements" is perhaps greater than ever.

Set expectations for your family

So what's a parent to do?

That depends. It depends, of course, on whether or not the deed has already been done. And even more, it depends upon what values are most important to them and their family.

Those decisions are exactly the type each family must face for themselves, said Pat Farrell, vice principal of Waukesha Catholic Memorial High School.

"As a parent, you have to operate from the standpoint of: 'What are our family's values, what does our family stand for? Who are we and what is important to us? What can you accept and what can't you accept as a family?' With those answers in mind, you have to decide what cards to hold and which one to fold," he said.

But, he cautioned, it's important to operate from a true understanding of what your family is about.

And with magazines mapping the locations of all of pop music star Christina Aguilera's 11 piercings, the pull for children to make similar "statements" is perhaps greater than ever.

"If you're judging your family values based upon the family next door, you're never going to get anywhere," he said.

Once you do know and understand how your family is defined, it's important to look beyond the immediate action to its implications, Farrell said.

He added, parents need to ask: Why don't I like this?

"And then the question becomes: Why are you doing this? It's not just about whether you're doing it, it's why are you doing it? If you are a true family, you presumably are all agreeing on the same set of values. And these are issues you can't resolve unless you're having constant family discussions."

Tattoo was serious betrayal

For Pire, her daughter's decision to get a tattoo two years ago was a serious betrayal. And she felt it represented a marked lack of respect for her family's values.

"I wanted her to think more about the long-term ramifications of this. I wish she had stopped and thought: 'What would my grandparents think if they knew I was doing this or that?' What does this say to the people who love you, the people you respect?

	"When our children do disappoint us, I think we have to ask ourselves: 'How important is this?' In the big picture, to us, I think it's important for our children to know we are on their side. -- Connie Pire

"Life isn't all about you and what you want at a particular moment in time. Think about your parents, your friends, the people who love you and want what's best for you. How important is this to you, this thing you want to do that you know we won't approve of? Is it respectful of you to do this thing?"

But with that all said, Pire faced a daughter who, for better or worse, had already made her decision. She was indeed tattooed. And all the discussions in the world about values and respect and long-term ramifications weren't going to change that.

"She was 18 years old, and this was out of our hands," Pire explained. "When our children do disappoint us, I think we have to ask ourselves: 'How important is this?' In the big picture, to us, I think it's important for our children to know we are on their side. And the most important thing is to keep talking to her, to keep the lines of communication open.

"You're not going to put her out of your life because she got a tattoo. Your response depends upon how really critical the issue is to you as a parent."

Some battles not worth fighting

And while she felt strongly about her daughter's tattoos, there are other battles she doesn't feel are worth fighting at all. For instance, her 17-year-old son Steve's longish hair, or his occasional goatee. When weighed against his academic record at Catholic Memorial, his community service, his general, good-kidness, the hair and facial hair just don't matter to her and her husband.

"Is it worth arguing over long hair? To me, it's not. Tomorrow he might decide to get a haircut or shave the goatee. It's not permanent," she said. "But I think every parent has to weigh it individually. You have to pick and choose. And you need to start early, letting them know your values, what's important to us, what matters in our life."

And, of course, a parent's response is weighed by the child's age.

Lorene Smith is children's director at the Vincent Family Resource Center. Her own daughter was 20 when she came home sporting a tongue ring.

"I was shocked," she said. "We had to face the facts together, sit down and talk. I explained: 'Do you think you're going to get a job with that thing in your mouth?' It's important to have that talk with them."

But, she added: "I think I would have had a nervous breakdown if she had been younger."

And with so many outside influences -- particularly popular cultural influences -- shaping children today, Farrell said these types of individual assessments and reassessments are critical.

"The adolescent is going to be testing the waters. And they're not going to be doing it in the same way the generation before them did," he reminded parents.

"So you have to ask: Is this something we can live with, or is it so destructive we can't live together as a group? Sometimes, you have to draw the line. You have to say: 'It is my responsibility to guide you and this is way outside of the parameters.'

"And sometimes you have to say: 'I don't approve, but I can live with this.'"