Keeping Faith

MILWAUKEE -- Children naturally look up to adults for guidance and protection, but that trust is threatened when grown-ups take advantage of children's vulnerability.

From a very early age, parents teach their kids to trust and respect people, such as police officers and teachers. So now that the priest sex abuse scandal has become big news nationally and locally, many parents have wondered how to explain the situation to their children.

"No matter what position a person occupies or line of work a person has, there are good people and bad people.... If one person makes a mistake, that doesn't make everyone bad," said Richard Dorn, a guidance counselor at Thomas More High School, Milwaukee.

Dorn and other professionals who work with children and families spoke to Catholic Herald Parenting this summer about the vulnerability of children, and how best to address the priest scandal with their kids.

"The bottom line needs to be that these individuals made mistakes. How that happens is that they are human," said Jane DeGeorge, a supervisor in the Catholic Charities Families' and Children's Ministries Office. "Parents can tell their children that there are many more helpful priests than harmful priests, just as there are more helpful teachers, policemen -- pick a category or population short of criminals -- where this is true for their family and experience."

DeGeorge explained that just as kids face consequences for their behavior, adults also have to answer for their actions, and kids need to understand that the priests who are believed guilty of abuse, have been removed. "The rules these priests broke are very serious. The church has given consequences so that the priests are no longer able to work with people in a priestly capacity. These priests would not be working in their parish anymore."

Trust must be earned

Trust of anyone has to be earned over time, Dorn said. "We have to be able to trust that these priests are cleaning this mess up.... It's an issue of priests and bishops being held accountable. There are laws, and there should be justice for what some of these guys did."

Telling children that the vast majority of adults in their lives can be trusted, and that abusers, when discovered, are removed from situations where future abuse may occur, will help dispel excessive fear and anxiety, but does not automatically make them safe.

"We also need to work on keeping ourselves safe," DeGeorge said, and added that parents need to tell their children that "'anyone who touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, or says things that make you feel uncomfortable, tell them to stop, get away, and come and tell me. I will listen to you.'"

Raymond Gallope, director of North Shore Center, LLC, counseling center in Mequon, said there are a number of factors that make kids vulnerable to the sexual advances of adults. One is developmental. Kids aren't as able to cope independently, so they depend on adults for guidance, he said. "That leaves the door open for guidance that is good and guidance that is bad."

Another issue is trust, said Gallope, who specializes in family and couples therapy. Children develop a trusting relationship with older people who they perceive care about and love them. "That makes it difficult for them to confront a person like that with negative feelings, anger, or with limit-setting. If you're in a hierarchical relationship with someone, it's hard to put a limit on that person," he said.

Some kids are more vulnerable than others

A member of Holy Family Parish, Whitefish Bay, Gallope does regular counseling consultations at area elementary schools, including a few Catholic institutions. He said there are some kids who seem to be more vulnerable than others.

"Kids who aren't as sociable with peers tend to be more vulnerable with adults. Kids who may be neglected or abused at home. Those who have had premature sexual experiences. Those who are depressed. Kids who are anxious and depend on adults to calm them down" tend to be more vulnerable, he said.

"Kids who are angry or act out their aggression are probably less vulnerable because they tend to push adults away," Gallope said.

Intellectually, teens know the difference between right and wrong, "but that doesn't always jive with emotional needs. So if you're getting love and nurturing from someone, even if it seems like it's in the wrong way, it's hard to turn it down," he explained.

"Very often, kids that I've talked with who have been sexually abused, know that it's wrong. Very infrequently will they say, 'Well, I thought it was OK.' But knowing it's wrong, they're still not able to draw that line," he said.

Why don't children report incidents?

Why don't children run straight home to report an incident? Gallope said fear and a sense of protection often keep kids from reporting sexual abuse.

"Most of the time there's a mixture of fear and love in those sexual abuse situations. Even though it's an abusive situation, there's still this underlying feeling of love. The younger the child, the more that tends to happen. With older kids, adolescents, it could be fear, shame, that gets in the way. (Sometimes it's) protection of this adult. Very often these kids feel like they've done something wrong ... and will get the blame," he said.

DeGeorge said one of the biggest factors in children's vulnerability, especially the younger ones, is that they don't understand what's going on, and they've been taught that adults are right no matter what. "They go along with it because no one's told them it's wrong. They tend to trust the adults more than themselves. And if people have not told them the difference between right and wrong, they tend to go with it and are easily deceived."

Statistics reveal that in about 90 percent of the sex abuse cases, the abuser is someone the child knows and trusts, she said.

Every child is potentially at risk

"Based on their vulnerability, every child has the potential to be at risk. I think parents can help children reduce their risks by educating them," DeGeorge said, and added that in many parts of the Milwaukee Archdiocese, Catholic Charities offers the Kids CAN program, which teaches children as young as age 3 how to avoid abuse.

"I've had parents with 3 year olds saying, 'You've got to be kidding me. They need to know this?' And I say, 'Well, would you rather they have some skills or no skills?'" she said.

The Kids CAN program teaches children that they are special, that their bodies belong to them, and no one has the right to touch them in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable, DeGeorge said. "They sing songs, play the 'stop game.' They learn to trust their own feelings (and) that there are differences between hugs and kisses from parents and the inappropriate touches of other grown-ups. They learn how to say stop."

"For a three year old to have those skills, their vulnerability just went way down," she said.

Heather Davenport, a Catholic Charities family educator, has been teaching the Kids CAN program in Sheboygan County for about four years. She explained that there is a specific curriculum for each age group from preschool through fifth grade, and there are also programs for teachers and parents, to reinforce the Kids CAN lessons.

"I think preschoolers are pretty vulnerable, but are pretty smart, too. Some people might think that's too young an age to teach them the correct names for body parts, but I don't," Davenport said. She explained that if young children are ever put in a situation where someone older abuses them, they would be able to clearly and accurately tell parents or teachers what happened thanks to what they learned in Kids CAN.

Preschoolers know good touch/bad touch

"They are taught the difference between 'good touch' and 'bad touch.' We emphasize that there needs to be a special grown-up the child can always go to if something were to happen to them.... These are skills they can build on forever," Davenport said.

"I have had parents thank me for the program because they didn't know how to talk about this stuff with their children," she said. "The majority of (parents) think it's wonderful. But you do get a handful who think it's too young, and they have the option to not have their kids there."

DeGeorge said, "Even though it's uncomfortable, start working on the dialogue with your children if you haven't started yet, and give them as many tools as you can, because regardless of the priest thing, there has always been a percentage of our population who has an affinity for children, and they pursue them.... Therefore, as parents, don't we want our kids to have as many tools as possible?"

Love them no matter what

She said it's important for parents to repeatedly tell their kids that they can tell them what happened no matter what; that they will love them no matter what. A variety of circumstances will determine how quickly a child will tell his or her parents about an incident of sexual abuse.

"If the kid is doing something naughty when this happens -- by naughty I mean, they were down by the tracks when an older boy approached them -- now they're in a quandary. Say you've got a third- or fourth-grader who knows he's not supposed to be playing down by the tracks. Now, if they say what happened, they're going to have to say that they did something wrong.

Abusers may scare victims

"For others it can be something real scary. Abusers will tell their victims that if they tell, their parents won't love them anymore. 'Your parents will get divorced. No one will believe you. Everyone's going to think you're bad because this happened.' Some are bribed with toys to keep quiet," she said.

It can also depend on the kid's age. "A 15-year-old male might not want to say anything because he's afraid people are going to think he's gay," DeGeorge said, reiterating that children and teens need to feel comfortable talking openly with their parents or some other trustworthy adult.

Dorn said it's vital for parents to know what's going on in their kids' lives. "Get to know their friends, the parents of those friends, other adults in the kid's life. The more you know, the more chance of preventing something bad."

Some signs that incidents of sexual abuse have occurred in a young person's life include a drop in grades, different group of friends, less communication, quicker to anger and frustration, sudden change in appearance (clothing and hair style) and change in sleep habits, Dorn said.

Be sure to act on 'red flags'

Any one of these changes by themselves might be normal for adolescents, "but if you see a few red flags, then certainly you have to act on that," he said.

Gallope said that for kids to understand the importance of revealing abusive situations, parents need to send the message over and over. "Most parents make the mistake of giving that message maybe once or twice. But kids evolve and they change, so you have to keep giving that message, and keep giving it in different ways. Once in a while you have to probe and ask the question, 'Has anyone touched you inappropriately? Has anyone said anything to you that's made you uncomfortable?'

"Parents need to take the lead in kind of setting the stage to bring it up on a regular basis, especially in today's society, where it can happen more easily than we thought it could happen 20 or 30 years ago," he said.

Parents should let the child know that it's acceptable to say anything without fear of the parent immediately reacting with punishment, Gallope said. "Kids will often have a difficult time being up front about it, even with those conditions in place."

DeGeorge said when a child tells a parent about an incident of abuse, "The best thing a parent can do is remain calm, which probably goes against what their instinct is telling them to do at that time."

She said talking to the child in a way that makes him or her comfortable is best. "Giving him the third-degree doesn't work." She suggested getting in the car and going for a drive might make it easier for the kid to open up.

"It's easier to talk without that face-to-face intensity. Other kids will open up at bed time when they have time to slow down and think. For some kids, it's going to be going out for an ice cream."

"In our world today, we have to be more aware, concerned and protective of ourselves," Dorn said. "It's a different world out there, we have to work that much harder to protect our charges."