Lorenz and Friends

Winners learn to be losers first

Everyone has struggles. Everyone. Some have tougher struggles than others, but no life is perfect. One guy who had lots of struggles once said, "You will never be a winner unless you learn to be a loser." He should know. He was a big loser. In his early years after a difficult childhood and less than one year of formal schooling he failed in business. What did he expect, with no education? Then he actually had the nerve to run for the state legislature. He was defeated, of course. Then, the next year he failed in another business venture. No surprise there. The following year, believe it or not, he was elected to the legislature. The next year his beloved fiancee died.

The struggles continued. Three years later, he was defeated for speaker of the house, then defeated for elector.

Finally, he got married, but his wife suffered from numerous ailments both mental and physical. Only one of his four sons lived past the age of 18. Thirteen years after he got married he was defeated when he ran for Congress. You'd think the guy would give up, right? But no, he persisted and five years later he was finally elected to Congress.

However, seven years later he was defeated when he ran for Senate. Then this man, whose life was one great struggle after another, actually had the nerve to run for vice president of the United States, but of course, he was defeated. Two years later, he lost in the Senate race, again.

Did he finally give it up and accept the fact that he was a big-time loser? No. As unbelievable as it sounds he actually ran for president two years after losing his second election to the Senate. And, get this, he won!

This man, who struggled for years and years with poverty, an unhappy marriage, the death of most of his children and losing election after election, went on to become one of the greatest presidents the United States has ever known. Abraham Lincoln had learned first hand that "you will never be a winner unless you learn to be a loser."

I remember the first time I felt like a loser. I was 11 years old, in the sixth grade. My cousin, Judy, also 11, was in the same class. Our last names were the same since our dads were brothers. That year Judy and I tied for the third place academic award, but the school only had one third place certificate to give out. They gave it to her because her first name came before mine in the alphabet. I was devastated! But I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that life isn't fair, but you go on anyway. I learned that living through struggles and disappointments gives you strength of character.

I felt like a big loser 30 years later when my husband filed for divorce then married his girlfriend the day the divorce was final. Once again, I learned a valuable lesson that relationships, no matter how busy you are with children, career and home, must be nurtured every single day and that we can never take those we love for granted.

Learning to appreciate and grow from our struggles is a sign of maturity. One of my favorite stories is about a young woman who met a very wise old woman. The young woman asked, "How did you get so wise?"

The old woman replied slowly with two words. "Good decisions." The young woman asked, "How did you learn to make good decisions?" The old woman replied with one word: "Experience." The young woman asked, "But how did you get experience?" The old woman replied with two words, "Bad decisions."

And so it is that our bad decisions, our defeats and our struggles, eventually make us strong. They make us more mature. They certainly make us more interesting than if we lived a perfect life in perfect harmony on Perfect Lane in a perfect home with a perfect white-picket fence. Our struggles give us strength of character and they help us to become much more empathetic toward all those around us who have struggles and problems.

If you're struggling with a faltering career, an unhappy marriage, the loss of a loved one, lack of money, low self-esteem, poor health, whatever it is, remind yourself that true happiness does not come from a big paycheck and the so-called perfect life. True happiness comes from your climb out of the pit. True happiness and contentment comes because of the many struggles we experience in life. For without them none of us would have the fine patina of experience, growth, strength and compassion.

Next time you're down in the pits and feeling like Abraham Lincoln must have felt most of his life, read Psalm 37:5-6. "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

Sounds good to me.

(Lorenz, an Oak Creek resident, is the author of "Stuff That Matters for Single Parents and A Hug A Day For Single Parents," as well as stories in nine of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books. E-mail her at patricialorenz@juno.com.)