Home Base

In childhood, an adoring daughter; in adolescence, a rebellious young woman with raging hormones, and in adulthood, if a mother is lucky, a good friend.

Does the mother-daughter relationship really have to be that difficult in the middle years? It's common to hear in our society that raising daughters -- especially teen-age daughters -- is harder than raising sons. But is that true? Psychologists and family relationship experts discussed how mothers, in a world far different from the one in which they were raised, can develop their relationships with daughters, even during the challenging adolescent years. Most agreed that raising daughters is not necessarily more difficult than bringing up adolescent sons, but it is different.

The Catholic Herald talked to four professionals who offered input on mother-daughter relationships.

'I'm not mad, I just hate you'

Roni Cohen-Sandler, a clinical psychologist, is author of "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" on the teen years and mother-daughter relationships. A little over a month ago, Cohen-Sandler published her second book, "Trust Me Mom -- Everyone Else is Going! The New Rules for Mothering Adolescent Girls."

In a recent phone interview, Cohen-Sandler, a resident of Connecticut, said she published a second book because, "I felt there were so many questions parents had on how to deal with all the issues their daughters face, from curfews and discipline, as well as what age to get them cell phones and whether they should be able to pierce their bodies."

Her new book gives mothers reassurance and tips through the acronym BRAIN -- being flexible, respectful, attuned, involved and non-controlling mothers. Cohen, mother of a 19-year-old daughter, gave examples on how to talk with teen daughters. In order for a mother to be attuned when her daughter says, 'Trust me mom, everyone else is going,' a mother should ask herself a few questions, said Cohen-Sandler.

For example: What does the daughter really mean by that? Will she be an outcast if she doesn't go to a party, or is she saying if you really trusted me you'd let me go? Perhaps she just wants to meet some of her good friends at a dance, said Cohen-Sandler.

"Your first impulse (as a mother) is to have a retort. Instead, ask your daughter what do you mean if you don't go, or why do you want to go so badly?" she suggested.

Cohen-Sandler admitted some mothers want to control their daughters' every action. "I believe a lot of mothers think the way to protect their daughter in this new and scary world is to try to make their decisions, protect them and micro-manage their lives. That backfires miserably. It makes girls think they have to work doubly hard to show their mothers they can't control them." Instead, Cohen-Sandler encourages mothers to trust their daughters and parent with them.

The hardest thing for a mother to do, she said, "is listen and not comment. Girls are so afraid their mothers will judge them.

"Any principle in this book is equally applicable to dads," she pointed out.

Separate and close at the same time

Lynn Turner is an associate professor in the Department of Communication Studies, Marquette University, who has supervised several graduate student theses on mother-daughter relationships.

The "Dialectics Theory," is a fairly popular way of talking about relationships, said Turner. According to the theory, mother-daughter relationships are permeated by contradictory impulses by both mother and daughter. There's the impulse of closeness as well as the impulse of separateness, she said.

"The interesting thing is you can see in a lot of things they say to each other they want to be close and they want to be separate," Turner said. "But relationships between mother and daughter are really very much trial and error." A mother-daughter relationship involves numerous factors, she noted.

Culture and perhaps, co-culture, has an influence, she said, explaining that a mother and daughter with an African-American background blend their African heritage with that of the main culture. Other factors in this relationship include personalities, the age of the mother, the birth order of the child, the class of society they belong to, and the time period during which a daughter is raised.

Turner's daughter is now 29. "A lot of things have changed since she was 15, including (Sept. 11)," she noted. "So for all of those reasons it's really risky to generalize too far," she said of mother-daughter relationships.

"In our culture, parents who are the same sex as their child have more problems with them," said Turner. "I think the big thing is that an adolescent daughter is supposed to break away from her parents. The biggest break occurs with the same sex parent."

Girls receive conflicting messages

Even though our culture has moved ahead in giving girls more freedom, it's still tougher on girls in some ways, said Turner.

"There are so many conflicting messages for girls. These include, be smart, but not too smart; have a boyfriend, but stand up for yourself."

In addition, Turner said there aren't as many ways for a girl to act out and release tension as a boy can in our country. Girls' athletics have helped, she added.

But there's one area girls have more freedom than boys and that's expressing their feelings, said Turner. Mothers hope their daughters self-disclose, she said.

"A lot of times you, as the listener, need to realize the effort the child is taking to tell you about something.... So being able to listen and not give a response right away is good. Then you can get a sense of whether this is real important for them or not," said Turner, noting she is not referring to problems for which a parent would get professional help such as eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse.

During adolescence, she said, "When your daughter gives you an opening, you want to keep her talking. For example, if your daughter comes home and says 'I hate my teacher,' a parent needs to try and determine, 'Is this a problem with the teacher, or a subject, or is she (daughter) just blue.' If you respond with empathy you may find out what really bothers her."

Turner said there are many ways to show love for daughters including shared laughter, family rituals, private jokes and family stories.

When problems arise, it's important for the parent to try to maintain a sense of perspective and even humor, she advised.

Sometimes if there's a conflict, she said, relational reminders are helpful. For example, the mother can tell her daughter, "Even though we're having an argument now, I still love you."

Daughters test new behaviors

Even when a daughter reaches adolescence, reminded Steven Saunders, director of the Center of Psychological Services at Marquette University, "rest assured this is really the same person you were putting to bed at age 9. This person really does still need you. Of all the people in her world she needs your respect.

"Disrespectful, argumentative -- it may seem like this kid doesn't want anything to do with you -- is how your daughter may appear," said Saunders. But he noted, "The easiest explanation is she knows you'll love her no matter what she does."

At this age, he said, "she's trying out new behaviors. We might even say she's trying on new personalities on the person she knows will love her anyway."

Saunders, who has one young daughter and two sons, said an adolescent daughter is aware she'll soon be on her own and needs to figure out if she'll make it and who she is. "Adolescence is a time to practice being an adult," he said.

Just as dramatic are the intellectual and emotional changes going on, he said. "The teen brain changes, getting way more powerful. In addition, her sense of self or who she is is in a state of transition, which won't end until she's 24 or so."

But perhaps most importantly, he said, this young woman is capable of abstract thought and understands others' perspectives. "So one result is they realize other people are looking at them and evaluating them, which causes them to feel self-conscious."

Society values girl's looks, boys actions

In our society, Saunders said it's still basically true girls are valued for looks; boys for what they do. "It's a double-edged sword," he noted.

As far as girls being tougher to raise than boys, Saunders said he wouldn't put it quite that way. But it may seem that way he said because, "Girls enter adolescence earlier than boys. They are much better at social relations than boys -- they are more adult like."

During adolescence, a teen-ager turns her focus from family to friends, said Saunders. While trying to impress peers, she sometimes makes mistakes, he said. The mother's role is to continue asking questions and offering support, he added.

Perhaps most importantly, he noted, a parent should maintain expectations. Adolescents still need to do homework, go to church with their family and meet a curfew, he said. And for kids who overstep boundaries there have to be consequences.

From Saunders' viewpoint, grounding a daughter (or son) is not always the best way to handle a situation in which they've been disobedient. Saunders advises mothers to collaborate with their husbands, sisters or mothers when faced with daughters who have flouted the rules. He also suggests two areas for discipline. One is to have the adolescent do a chore they don't usually do, such as clean the toilets. The second is to take away a privilege such as the phone or Internet for a time.

But he also pointed out that "The scariest thing for an adolescent is when there aren't rules they need to adhere to."

He also emphasized that her daughter's strengths are likely the things that drive a mother crazy at this stage.

World is changed place for teens

Katie Mangan is a clinical psychologist and chairwoman of the marriage and family therapy program in the School of Social Welfare, at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. She has two sons.

Raising girls is not necessarily more difficult than raising boys, said Mangan. "It's really just different. So it's helpful to have access to resources out there. The world has changed greatly from when (parents) were young. From a systemic perspective (a family connected to numerous other systems), you have a (daughter) who acts, then there's and equal and opposite reaction. Nothing exists in a vacuum," she said. "Every child has to be looked at separately from a developmental perspective. We need to get resources from our pediatrician, library or bookstore (about this development)," she recommended.

According to Mangan, part of being an adolescent means engaging in impulsive behavior. "For those who were shy, we've wanted to help them through their shyness, but now we wish they were shy again," she said with a smile.

When a daughter begins to move more toward her peer group in adolescence, it's important to realize "a mother suffers a loss," said Mangan. "They don't want to do things together with us (family) on weekends. The important thing is not to react out of that loss. It's important to be able to talk to friends, or your husband. And they'll come back again," she added of daughters as they mature.

Mangan suggested a mother excuse herself if she's in the middle of a conversation with her daughter and thinks she'll overreact. "It's literally biting your tongue, going to the bathroom, and meditating or praying for a moment," she said. "It's important you listen to them. Then it's important they listen to you."

Sexualized information hastens development

Looking at all the things adolescents are exposed to in our society today, Mangan said parents need to keep their eyes and ears open to television and Internet use.

"There is so much sexualized information at a much earlier age from cartoons to movies. That all hastens their development," she said.

Mangan would like to see parental controls or tracing programs in place, so girls don't go into chatrooms. "They need to be taught not to give their last name, address or telephone number online," she said.

While there may be family rules such as going to church together on Sunday, Mangan said she believes it's important to leave some windows for special events, such as sleepovers.

"Balance in (the daughters') lives is the key for a family parenting an adolescent. They need to have some family time together, some with their friends and some personal time," she said.