Friends of the Family

Creating a criminal: Faulty genes
or bad parenting?

Mom and dad were late for the parent-teacher conference. Dad whipped the horse into a galloping frenzy to make up for lost time, while mom hung on for dear life. They dismounted and ran into the huge tent. Their son's teacher, illuminated only by the flickering light of a small candle, turned to greet them.

"Mr. and Mrs. Khan?" said the teacher as he beckoned the couple to sit down on the grass.

"I see that the sands of the hourglass have run out," said Mrs. Khan nervously. "I'm sorry we're late. My husband's business ... you know." Mr. Khan covered the dried blood on his left arm with his tunic.

"Is he making progress?" the father demanded. The teacher unrolled the scroll.

"Yes and no," he replied. "His archery is exceptional. Yesterday with one shot, he felled a robin perched atop a flagpole. He tracked a fox all night, then skinned and ate it for dinner a fortnight ago."

Mom shifted nervously, while dad began to pace.

"He is the champion at boxing, and once more, he disrupts the class at every chance disputing my every word."

Dad exploded: "Is this why you summoned us here? We thought there was a problem! You have done nothing but praise him. Get to the point, old man!"

The master trembled. "The other day ... he lost at arm wrestling with Bruno the giant and ... and ... threw down his sword after a contest ... rather than slay his opponent!"

Dad grimaced in pain. "Not my boy! Not my Genghis! From now on, if it's a firmer hand he needs, it's a firmer hand he'll get!"

Did you ever wonder what the childhood of a notorious tyrant or criminal was like? Most parents do not set out to create a monster like Genghis Khan, Stalin, or Hitler. Is the problem faulty genes or is it bad parenting?

The New York Times recently reviewed a book by Alice Miller, "Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self." Miller's thesis is that without someone to consistently empathize with or stand up for them, abused children run the risk of turning into violent people, even to the point of becoming murderers. The reviewer summarizes her position that "battered children store memories of corporal punishment in their bodies, which later cause them to take revenge -- sometimes (as in the case of Hitler, Stalin, and Mao) in a global fashion." I think Miller would agree most abused children do not evolve into either mass murderers (or -- the other side of the coin -- great artists), but are at risk for becoming either "enraged or disaffected adults."

Through her writing, Miller has tried to raise world consciousness about "the panic of the beaten child." She has helped to bring about legislation in Germany against the use of physical punishment of children. Her goal is to stop the "cycle of generational abuse."

What would the world be like without the verbal and physical abuse of children? We would notice the disappearance of certain practices, rationalized now as acceptable ways to treat children.

The parents of Genghis Khan, a brutal warrior who ruled during the early 13th century, were distraught. "What can we do?" pleaded his mother. "He's not bad enough!"

The teacher stroked his white beard. "Let's revise our lesson plan. There are some recommendations I can offer. Are you using criticism effectively?" They looked at one another quizzically.

"Children are naturally impulsive and unpredictable. Definitely label that behavior 'bad.' They want you to take care of things for them. They bother you with all kinds of things that they want. Call this 'selfish.' Tell them to grow up and do it all themselves."

Mr. and Mrs. Khan were beginning to feel better. "Is that all?" asked the dad.

"Of course not. Scream and yell whenever he makes a mistake or expects you to fix something he's messed up. First, he'll learn to hate himself and feel worthless and then ... then ... he'll lash out at others. He'll treat them the same way you treated him."

"Will that make him aggressive, I mean, really aggressive?" Mr. Khan inquired.

"There's a good chance it will. But be sure to add sarcasm. Sarcasm comes from a Greek word meaning 'torn flesh.' Ridicule whatever you can. Humiliation often leads to violence."

His mother had one more question. "If we do what you say, will he grow up to be a cruel despot someday just like his dad?"

The teacher shrugged. "With a little bit of luck, yes. I can't guarantee he'll be a tyrant, but I can say that this kind of treatment will at the very least make him hate himself or others or both. And one more thing, please take that 'Spare the rod; love the child' sticker off the back of your cart."

Mr. and Mrs. Khan left the tent feeling reassured. Their son would grow up to be just like them.

(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic Charities, Milwaukee regional office.)