Keeping Faith

HARTLAND -- Supporting vocations is easy enough for Catholic families when all it entails is saying the prayer for vocations on the back cover of the Missalette. What about when it comes to their own son or daughter? Many parents today stop short of encouraging their kids to pursue the priesthood or religious life. But not all of them.

Marion Baggott said her son, Dan, first expressed interest in the priesthood around fifth grade. "We were just at one of those Masses they have at Scout camp. I think (the priest) made some comment like, 'All these boys, there must be some priests out here.' And Dan went up to him afterwards and said 'I want to be a priest.' And of course he looks at Dan's younger brother who's a little angel and says he's the one that's going to be a priest. I could've hit the guy. If he wants to be a priest, let him be a priest," she said laughing.

Her support of Dan's vocation to the priesthood continues, and she and her husband Bill said they stand behind him as he goes through the admission process for Saint Francis Seminary in St. Francis.

The Baggotts and several other parents recently spoke to Catholic Herald Parenting about their support of vocations and the prospect of their child taking steps in that direction.

Dan, who will graduate from Carroll College, Waukesha, this spring with a double major in history and politics, was encouraged by his parents to attend college before applying to the seminary. "If anything, we wanted him to get through the college thing. Maybe make a little more of a mature decision at 22 rather than 18. For a while there we encouraged him to get through college and maybe work in the 'real world' for a while," Bill said.

"You see so many (priests and religious) that change their minds.... You just don't want him to make the wrong decision. I think that's true with anything that kids do as they're figuring out what they're going to do with their lives. Make sure this is what you want," Marion said.

She added they were confused in deciding how best to guide their son. "I think him being our oldest added to it. The whole parenting thing, it's like, 'What am I doing here?' And just wanting to make sure he was old enough to make that commitment."

"I don't think that's unusual," Bill said. "We wouldn't have been comfortable if he said he wanted to get married at 22. But we've never discouraged him."

Dan grew up in St. Matthias Parish, Milwaukee. He attended elementary school there and is a graduate of Catholic Memorial High School, Waukesha. His family now belongs to St. Charles Parish, Hartland. His two younger brothers are students at Catholic Memorial.

When speaking of their son's interest in the priesthood, the Baggotts mentioned Dan's eagerness to volunteer at the nursing home where his grandparents live, how he always seemed comfortable at the parish, and his admiration for other priests. "I think we've always encouraged (our sons) to give back more to the church and to the school," Bill said, and added that they've always tried to highlight each of their kids' talents.

They said they encouraged the priesthood as much as any other career to their sons as they were growing up. "In a lot of different things you say, 'Oh, you'd be good at that....' I think it's just a matter of helping the kids see where their strengths are in a lot of different walks of life, but not excluding the priesthood either. We included that along with all the other things. And that might be a little different than what some people do," Marion said.

"We just want them to make a sure decision, something that they're going to be happy with, and it's going to fit them," Bill said. "And he's seen several (other priests leave the priesthood) relatively early in the priesthood, and we've talked about that, too. We just want a mature decision. Same thing with marriage. We don't want to see them go into marriage uncommitted or unsure of themselves."

Marion said her biggest hesitation about Dan pursuing the priesthood has to do with him being satisfied with that decision for the rest of his life. "With anything they do, you want to make sure that they're going to be happy with it for the rest of their lives. I don't want him to change his mind later on. For a long time it seemed all the priests were overwhelmed, and all you heard was how bad being a priest is. And I think, well, if they're doing it and they all hate it.... But then you look at the other side and say, well, everybody seems to hate being married," she said with a laugh.

Negative media attention, especially like the reported sexual misconduct in the Boston Archdiocese, does worry Bill, but he sees a chance for improvement coming out of all the scandal. "The church is like anything else. It's human, and (humans) have their flaws, and I think (the media) scrutinizes now more than they did 40 years ago.... I think the church has made some mistakes, especially in Boston, but that's where reform comes in and things get better," he said, and added that "we tell our kids, 'yeah, that is terrible, but maybe you can make a difference.'"

Michael and Noreen Lyons of St. Paul Parish, Genesee Depot, already have a son in the seminary, but unlike the Baggotts, the Lyons werea bit shocked when their son, Mark, informed them he wanted to pursue the priesthood.

"It was surprising," Noreen said. "Even coming out of St. Lawrence Seminary (high school in Mt.Calvary) it was like, 'Well, would you think about becoming a priest?' And he said 'nope.'" Michael added that throughout Mark's years as a student at St. Lawrence, the priesthood was the furthest thing from his mind, as far as they knew.

Noreen said that the priesthood was not talked about much in their home as Mark grew up, and she now believes that St. Lawrence is probably where the seeds of his vocation were planted. "I know just from his own vocation talks now at the different churches, he'll make the comment that some of the priests that were (at St. Lawrence) said they thought he had the (priestly) qualities. So he remembers there, having them just say that you've got those qualities, was encouraging," she said.

After St. Lawrence, Mark went to Cardinal Stritch University, Fox Point, where he graduated at the top of his class in biology. Both parents spoke proudly of his academic accomplishments, extracurricular involvement, and said that up until his senior year at Stritch, they expected him to attend medical school.

"I think he already had the (seminary) application done when he first told us he was going to apply, because I just remember him on the phone saying something like 'Oh, by the way, instead of being a doctor ... I want to go and try being a priest.' I was all set for 'My son,the doctor,'" said Noreen.

Despite the apparent turn around in career and vocation choice, the Lyons said they are proud of how well Mark is doing in his second year at Saint Francis Seminary, and they support him in his pursuit of ordination.

"No matter what he does, I think he'll do very, very well. He's goal-oriented, and with that, I think the sky's the limit. And as far as going into the priesthood, once he's there, he will put forth the best that he can. He will have the support of parishioners and he will probably have a dynamic parish when he has his own congregation," Michael said.

Fatherly praise, however, doesn't mean Mark goes without teasing when he visits his parents and younger sister. "Mark, at times, gets upset with me because I kid him a lot," Michael said.

Noreen cut in and said they tease Mark about his girlfriends. "He had girlfriends through high school and college," she said. "He's kept in contact with some of the girls.... He got really close to one in particular who was even going to relocate to where he was going to go to medical school. And it was his senior year (at Stritch) that on Valentine's Day he sent out a letter announcing to all of these girls that 'I'm going to be a priest.' I thought, if that didn't just burn all of your bridges forever," she said laughing, and added that Michael will say to Mark, "The day you come home on the weekend and you're not seeing a girl, then we'll think you're going to be a priest." But Michael said he's fully aware that Mark's ability to handle relationships will "make him that much better a priest."

"He doesn't think I'm as supportive as I should be," Michael said, but added that despite the teasing at home, "What Mark doesn't see, is me bragging about him to all our friends."

During a separate interview, Mark told Catholic Herald Parenting that he'd like to see better support from his parents. "I can see that they're supportive in that they think I can do it, that's not the problem. However, at home, they'll bring up the things that must be the most difficult part of priesthood. For instance, I dated often in college, and had a few relationships, and they focus often on the past relationships. Or, I did pretty well in school, and I was going to go on to medical school, so I think in that there's a sense that I'm not doing what I could've done," he said.

"What I want most is them questioning and finding out more about what I'm doing.... There has to be a great open line of communication, of asking questions. If they have questions, 'Why are you really doing this?' to ask those and not go by just (what's on the surface)," he said.

"I think for seminarians as a whole, verbal support is very important, because it's such a countercultural act now, for any denomination, not just Catholic. There needs to be a lot of verbal support. Not only saying, 'We know you'll do well,' but also 'We support you now, we know you're doing well, and we think this is a good thing,' and I think that's what's missing, the verbal support during the process," he said.

Lyons said his parents "definitely" made his vocation decision a challenge. "But it wasn't like, 'Don't do it,' it was kind of like 'Are you sure you want to do this?' It seemed like a sudden shift for them, but for me it was a gradual process (of discernment)," he said, and added that he now recognizes that maybe some early explaining on his part would've helped his parents.

Fr. Robert Stiefvater, vocations director for the Archdiocese of Milwaukee, told Catholic Herald Parenting that parents of prospective seminary candidates generally have mixed feelings. "Sometimes they think their son is too young, and they would prefer that he stay in college, get his degree, maybe even (work) a couple years, then do it," he said.

Though he couldn't recall dealing with any parents who were adamantly opposed to the idea of their son applying to the seminary, he has heard of such instances. Other vocations directors, especially those of religious orders of women, have told him horror stories about unsupportive parents. "I believe there is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, who was pretty much disowned last year by her family because she entered a religious community.... I met her about this time last year, and it was a big issue for her," he recalled.

Stiefvater said he believes parents don't support priestly or religious vocations today the way we did in the past. "I was involved very much in Hispanic ministry in Walworth County (from 1994 to 1997) and there was a woman who was very helpful to me in that ministry.... And when she got assigned to that job she said 'Anything I can do to help.' and I said, 'Well, you've got two sons.' She said, 'Father, I draw the line. I want grandchildren.' That was really her stance, and I think it's there (with many others). I think it's lurking in the background, if not in the foreground," he said.

Some of the reasons Stiefvater sees for families not encouraging vocations are small family size, making parents reluctant to send one of only two or three children to the seminary or convent, and parents not having a familiarity with the life because there aren't as many parents nowadays with siblings or other relatives who are priests or religious.

Scandals like the currently unfolding situation in the Archdiocese of Boston don't help. "I think there is a real concern about having their son tainted by something like this," he said. "There is that concern among us priests also. We all feel tainted by this small number of priests."

Stiefvater recalls his own parents being supportive of his vocation discernment. Since fifth grade, he had thought about the priesthood, but never told anyone for fear of being 'different.' Then in seventh grade his teacher said she thought he'd be a good priest. "I went home that night and said 'Dad, can you believe what my teacher said? She thought that I'd make agood priest.' And if he had laughed or if he had put me down, (the idea of priesthood) would have been gone. But he said, 'Well, what do you think of that?' And said I thought it was kind of cool."

For parents today, Stiefvater said he wants them "to create an atmosphere in their homes where young people are taught to give of themselves....I think that we need to instill a sense of responsibility for our church as well. During the World War II years, there was a sense of 'This may not be what you want to do right now, but we're fighting a war, and we need you for this.' There was a sense of solidarity, of letting go of our own plans. We don't have much of that now. We have people who try to maintain control of every step on their journey. And I tell parents to kind of help kids see that we're not always that much in control, and don't have to be.

"If a boy or a girl begins to talk about priesthood or religious life, it's a very fine opportunity for (parents) to learn about it themselves. They should go talk to the parish priest. They should go talk to the sisters. They should be giving the vocation director a call....Make sure it stays on the table and don't put the kids down because they're thinking about something that nobody else in their whole class is thinking about," he said.

A group of mothers from St. John the Evangelist Parish, Kohler, recently gathered to talk about religious vocations for their children. "My boys are 14 and 3. Sometimes just lightheartedly we'll ask which one of you is going to be a priest? And the little one says, 'Not me,' so we turn to the older one and say, 'Then it's you, James.' We talk about it frequently.... We talk about the priesthood a lot and the fact that it's an option," said Beth Mackenzie, who, with her husband Godfrey, has five children ages 3 to 16.

Mary Knabel, mother of four kids ages 11 to 19, said she and her husband, Mark, like to speak to their children about different vocations in life. "There's the married life as a vocation, the single life, or the religious life.... Our job is to help them find what God wants them to do. It's like what (Pope John Paul II) said, if you are what you're meant to be, you have set the world on fire. What parent doesn't want that for their child?" she said.

Ellen Beley seconded that notion. "My favorite movie is 'The Sound of Music,' and I just love that one scene where the (mother abbess) is counseling Maria in her office in that shadowy light, and she says you have to live the life you were born to live. And I have tried to tell my children from the earliest point that you were born for a reason. And what you want to always do is offer your life to God in a religious vocation first. He may not want you. But if you don't, and you were born to be a priest or a sister, you won't find the peace and the joy in life that the Lord had planned for you," said Beley, who with husband Jim, has four children ages 7 to 13.

As Mark Lyons said earlier, having a child in priestly or religious life runs against what most of the rest of what our culture says kids should be pursuing. But that doesn't deter Mackenzie. She said having a priest in the family would bean honor, "and our children are growing up understanding that. What just keeps getting progressively worse I think is the importance of materialism. And what my husband and I are trying to teach our children is that you need to find out what God wants you to do with your life, just as Ellen (Beley) was saying."

The Boston scandal, for example, causes many to question whether priesthood and religious life are appropriate for their kids, but these moms aren't deterred. "That's where I feel my job is," said Cindy Stillwell, who, with husband Scott, has eight children, ages 2 to 17. "Number one, I have to educate myself in the true faith ... and then pass that on to them the best that I can. Encouraging them."

Mackenzie said she's not bothered by the media coverage of Catholic clergy scandals. "I have faith that the Holy Spirit will guide the church. And all the more reason that I would be proud to put one of my sons there, who could take those vows and live those vows. Just like in politics, you don't want all the good people to back down because there were a few dishonest people who make the headlines. More and more healthy families have to step forward and encourage their sons in religious vocations," she said.

"I think, too, people do get frightened with what's going on in Boston. But I think there's a lot more behind (the lack of vocation encouragement)," said Knabel. "I think that parents are called to be generous. Do they really want to be generous? If you only have one or two sons, that might lead more to not be generous."

When asked if they understood that they are not talking the way many other Catholic moms might, all four nodded, but were quick to say that they were not pushing their kids into anything.

"I would use the word saturating," Beley said. "That's my goal ... to saturate them in their faith. You have one window of opportunity, and if you miss it, you never have another chance. And my husband and I feel that we're called to do that, to saturate them in the truth."

Stillwell agreed. "They're already exposed to so much in the secular world. You can't turn on the TV without being bombarded. You have to counteract that with the good, the truth," she said.

Without exemplary priests and religious for kids to see, however, there's only so much parents can do to encourage their kids to consider the priesthood or religious life. Mackenzie understands this, and said it calls for even more of an effort on the parents' part. "You've got to really expose your children to different priests, not just what you have in your home parish or even in your diocese. When we travel on vacation as a family, Sunday Mass is always a highlight. We try and talk with the priest after Mass, and (the experience) becomes a topic of conversation because we find the Mass different than at home.... There's a real pleasure in exposing (my kids) to the fact that there are not just diocesan priests but religious orders. I think as a parent you have to work hard to do that, it's not going to come to you," she said.

Stillwell added that they like to have their pastor over for dinner, and she appreciates how much of a presence Fr. Thomas Lijewski, pastor at St. John the Evangelist, is in the kids' lives, especially with his involvement in their religious education. "My oldest son says no, he's not going to be a priest, but I keep just reminding him that you were created for a reason. You have to be open to God's call. I encourage him to be prayerful, and to not close the door, and try to distinguish what God is calling him to," she said.

Knabel summed it all up: "If they don't get it at home, where are they going to get it?"