Friends of the Family

Good marriages need confident partners

If I am running errands on Saturday mornings, I like to tune in my car radio to my favorite quiz show. The host is a witty, unpredictable wise-acre in the tradition of Groucho Marx, who loosely meanders his way through monologues, kibitzing with the audience, and interviewing slightly-off-center celebrities before getting to the quiz.

For the quiz, a member of the live audience is paired with a caller to form a team. They both must agree on the answers to questions from a set of categories. If they answer three questions correctly, they qualify for a "treasure trove" of prizes.

This Saturday the contestant from the audience sounded like he could go all the way. He had a doctorate and sounded bright and articulate. He was a psychologist who had a dry, off-handed sense of humor. He's a winner, I thought. But I wasn't so sure about his partner on the phone.

The male caller was witty, but sounded like a wild card.

In fact, the team failed to answer their first two questions correctly. The host told them that if they got the next question wrong, the quiz was over. No prizes.

The question had to do with whether men or women are more likely to be penalized economically on the job if they are ugly. The psychologist went right to the answer: "women."

Remember there is no final answer until both contestants agree. He waited for the caller to concur. "I don't know," the caller replied.

The psychologist said that he felt confident that the answer was "women." "Do you think we can agree on that?" he asked the caller. "I don't think so." The caller wasn't going along.

"I think the answer is 'men.'"

I could feel the psychologist's irritation under his cordial, friendly demeanor. He was pondering what he could do to bring his partner along. "I'm going to take charge here," he said. "The answer is 'women.'" The caller did not agree. The host stayed out of the power struggle.

The psychologist upped the ante. He became more forceful to gain the caller's compliance. "You're a thousand miles away," he said implying he could read that the live audience was on his side. Silence. "What do you think?" the psychologist pleaded. "What more can I say?" replied the caller.

Now I was feeling exasperated with the caller. "What's with this guy?" I thought. "Doesn't he realize that women are exploited more often than men? The psychologist knows the score. Just give in."

Now the host had to call for their answer. Time had run out. Sounding totally defeated, the psychologist had no choice but to reluctantly submit to the caller's answer. The psychologist caved in. He changed his answer. "OK, men." Oh, no! That's the ball game!

"Right!" announced the host. "'Men' is the correct answer!"

I was stunned. I had a whole new respect for the caller, whom I had so easily ruled out as a non-contender. He had the answer!

I told this story to my younger son on the way home from church that evening. He suggested that I use it in my column. I told him that I was impressed with the caller's confidence. The psychologist seemed to have it all: education, polish, great verbal skills, and proximity to the host and live audience. In a friendly, but firm way, he pressed his advantage several times to get the caller to agree with him. The caller held to his opinion.

A marriage is a team in which two individuals need to arrive at a consensus. They need to make daily decisions on an ongoing basis on issues big and small concerning the welfare of their children, e.g. how to discipline, the time for curfew, allowances, expectations for chores, family rules and consequences, etc. Parents have to navigate a course between the two threats to healthy mutual decision-making: conflict and capitulation.

Conflict is the product of two insecure people who both need to be right. Capitulation results from an individual who has an excessive need for another's approval. Both conflict and capitulation are based on the same internal dynamic, feelings of self doubt and insecurity. Capitulation leads to a false consensus and conflict leads ... nowhere.

A confident person is really the master of two skills: the ability to advance a conviction even in the face of disagreement, and the ability to accommodate to the other person's point of view. A confident person can do both because she recognizes that her self worth does not twist in the wind with whether her opinion prevails or she accommodates to the other. It is rooted in something deeper than that. Eleanor Roosevelt wrote "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent."

If our quiz show contestants had been married, we could see their confidence at work if they had talked more about the reasons behind their opinions. We would see their confidence if they asked each other questions to get a better understanding of why the other believed what he did. We would see their confidence if each were open to be influenced by the other.

Overall though, I think our contestants did all right. With our children's welfare at stake, can we do as well?

(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist for Catholic Charities Milwaukee regional office.)