Friends of the Family

Healthy families find ways
to solve their problems

Most students have already handed in their essay on "What I Did On My Summer Vacation." Consider this my late entry. It's about our family vacation ... and some problems we didn't expect.

Our plan was to spend several days at a friend's RV condo resort in Door County. We had two main objectives: hiking in the state parks and plenty of swimming in the large, heated indoor pool in the community building.

I especially look forward to the hours of splashing, drifting, paddling and horsing around in the warm pool water. The view of the surrounding woods and the pockets of sunlight streaming through the skylights make it feel like paradise.

On Tuesday morning we were set to leave. From past experience we've learned to conduct two important rituals before leaving the driveway. We pray for a safe journey, and we recheck the master list of essential vacation items.

First, everyone piles into the car. Then my wife reads the list aloud. There's the inevitable shock of recognition. Someone goes back into the house to retrieve the forgotten item. Only after three or four round trips, are we ready to go. This year we doubled checked that the crucial "swim noodles" were securely stored in the roof carrier. We had everything. Or so we thought.

We arrived at our destination late afternoon after stopping to play a round of miniature golf. The unpacking went well until my wife got the "uh-oh!" look.

"Where is the basket with the swim suits?" she asked. Stunned, we looked at one another. There was no need to check. The pits of our stomachs told us the answer: the basket was still at home.

An important measure of a healthy family is its ability to solve problems. This was our first test. How did we do? My wife and I called department and sporting goods stores to see who still had swimwear available this late in the season. A big discount store had suits, but none in our size. Our second stop, a sporting goods store, had suits that were "just right" and at a discount.

It was too late to go swimming that night, so the next morning, wearing our brand new suits and toting the swim noodles, we started out toward the pool. Our second test in problem solving came when Terry, the resort's caretaker, intercepted our merry procession to tell us the pool was closed. He drained the pool after the weekend because the bacteria count was too high. He refilled it, but it wouldn't be heated until Thursday night at the earliest, or maybe not until Friday, the day we were coming home.

And rain was predicted, threatening to wash away our hopes for hiking that day.

We had solved one problem, only to be faced with another. Our older son lay face down on the floor of the living room. Our younger son kept punching a pillow. I sat sullenly gazing off into the distance. My wife tried to mobilize the sad troops. She proposed hiking in hopes of beating the rain. This elicited an angry retort from one son. I couldn't even think of Plan B since I was still in mourning over the loss of my key relaxation objective. Then I remembered the cost of the suits, which were probably not returnable at this point.

I felt a powerful temptation to give into what families frequently do when they are stuck in a fix: 1. Assign blame and 2. Start fighting. Noble thoughts like, "It was your job to pack the swimsuits. I had enough to do. Didn't you check all of the list?" went through my mind.

Problem solving is a logical process of generating solutions. But emotion -- specifically anger -- interferes with this process.

We blame, get angry, and fight for a reason. We want to distance ourselves from that sinking feeling, the emotions of sadness and helplessness, which result from a disappointment or loss. Fighting gives us a temporary boost of adrenaline and an illusion of power.

Both healthy and dysfunctional families have fights, but a dysfunctional family stays stuck in the fight. The same arguments, the same blaming statements keep happening. Family members just can't seem to let it go. The family gets frozen in time, endlessly looping through the same bad feelings.

When this happens, there is a more serious underlying issue than forgotten swimsuits. It is time for the family to do some honest talking about what the real issue might be. Create a safe environment in which each person can share his/her experience of and feelings about the past incident or current problem. To do this, avoid getting into a debate about the past, trying to determine who said or did what when. What really matters is that each person gets a chance to air his/her feelings about the event or problem. The goal is not to do the impossible and pin down objective "truth," but to allow for each person's subjective truth to be told in a non-judgmental, non-defensive atmosphere. If the family's anxiety around this issue is too great to do this alone, then family therapy might be helpful.

What happened to us? We decided to go hiking. The rain held off until the final 15 minutes of a two-hour hike in Peninsula State Park. Then we went to a fish boil and watched a comedy on TV. On Thursday morning Terry told us the pool was open a day early. We enjoyed two days of hydrotherapy. The moral: if you work together to solve problems, there can be good times ahead.

(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic Charities Milwaukee regional office.)