Friends of the Family

Children know ...
and children remember

It should be easy to fool children. After all, adults have superior cognitive development combined with years of experience. We should have the overwhelming edge. And yet children usually can figure us out.

The world is divided into two camps: people who enjoy the company of children and people who don't. Children know the difference.

The difference is not about raising, educating, instructing, disciplining, organizing, controlling, regulating, or motivating children. It's not about assigning chores, calling teachers, driving to events, or checking homework. It's about being.

People in the second camp see children primarily as chaotic entities who need to be controlled. They operate in the "do to" mode. When these people see a child, their knee-jerk response is to give an order: "Do this now!"

In the traditional family structure, fathers were in this camp. Whenever the mayhem of the day got to be too much for her, mom would remind the kids (often at the top of her lungs) that the Ultimate Regulator will soon be home to squash their rebellion once and for all.

Some fathers liked it that way. Why not? Their role as a parent could be limited to 1.) exploding in anger to get the children's attention and 2.) delivering an order and threatening a consequence. Then they were free to go back to work, away from the disorderly chaos of children. Other fathers found ways to break free of the role of supercop.

The parents in the first camp have to regulate and structure, also. But they much prefer those times when they can "do with" their children. They would rather play catch, coach, sit on the floor and help build a Lego castle, be a puppet character in a play, fly kites, or ride bikes with their children. They see their children as companions, ones whom they must guide and take care of, but whom they can also enjoy.

Think back. You weren't fooled either. Who were the teachers, uncles and aunts, grandparents, who really enjoyed your company? They were the ones who lit up when you entered the room. They took the time to compliment you or ask you something about yourself (other than the standards: "How old are you?" or "What grade are you in now?")

I knew two people like that ... my mother and father.

I recall dad down on all fours on the floor in our living room taking turns giving his grandsons rides on his back. Then he made a garage for their toy cars under the easy chair and directed traffic. He was 80 years old at the time.

Watching him as a grandfather brought back memories of his times with me as a boy ... playing catch, the basketball hoop in the basement, the table hockey tournaments with dad and me on one team and my uncle and cousin on the other, the golf games when I was older.

My mother died this past May. I received a letter from a childhood friend whose family had lived next door when we were preschoolers. She shared the memory of trying to be helpful by picking up a milk bottle and carrying it over to my mother. It slipped out of her hands and crashed onto the concrete porch sending milk and glass everywhere. My mother paid no attention to the mess. She only wanted to make sure that my little friend was all right. My friend was 5 at the time. She remembered.

Others have also shared memories of mom. A cousin said he will always remember that "when we were children, she listened to what we had to say." This is probably the greatest compliment that can be paid to an adult by a child.

If we see children as individuals in their own right, then we will be interested in their point of view. We will take seriously their experience of life. We won't discount their reports as an active imagination, making up things, or lies. We will want to understand how they interpret their experience of life, and then try to help them develop skills for coping with that experience. Their point of view will be our starting point.

Listening to a child is the ultimate validation. It is the ultimate builder of self esteem. It says to the child that there is something fundamentally all right about the way that he or she thinks, and more profoundly, how he or she is.

Whatever guidance or help we want to offer to change or modify a child's attitude or behavior must be build on the foundation of listening. Acceptance is the first step to change.

Another cousin, who spent a lot of time at our house, remembered that my mother was not a fantastic cook. I had to agree. But she added, "Whatever she served, she served with love."

Children know. And children remember.

(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist with Catholic Charities Milwaukee regional office.)