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How can parents raise polite kids in rude world?

As the school bell rings a predictable refrain echoes in homes throughout the country -- "Why do I have to dress like/act like/talk like this? Nobody else does."

Most parents agree one of their primary missions is raising, moral, honorable, responsible children. Several psychologists, educators and parents recently discussed the challenge of raising respectful children in an increasingly disrespectful society with Catholic Herald Parenting.

Parental involvement from an early age is essential for nurturing children who have a sense of their moral and social obligations, they agreed.

According to Robert Fox, a psychologist and director of Marquette University's parenting center, respect and politeness can be taught at an early age, but should be tied to a child's developmental level.

"It isn't fair to force very high expectations on young kids," Fox explained. "For example, toddlers aren't going to remember to say please and thank you every time. But they will pick up on modeling behavior. Parents who find time to communicate with their kids and show them by example how to interact with other people will find that they have a much easier time as their children reach those important middle school years where they are sometimes overwhelmed by negative societal and peer influences."

The media can be a formidable obstacle to raising respectful children, they agreed. "The media tend to push the envelope in many respects in terms of what is acceptable in vocabulary and behavior," said Susan Mountin, acting director of university ministry at Marquette University, Milwaukee. "If you accept the parlance of the media, especially the sitcoms, the cultural norm that is presented takes us into a very scary realm. Christian values are definitely not supported, and when children begin to watch and model these behaviors, it certainly doesn't do much to maintain the values that we as parents are striving for."

Mary Duffy, member of St. Stephen Parish, Milwaukee and mother of four, concurred. "It is hard to balance the fact that they want to be a part of that larger society, with retaining the values we have always stressed. For example, my 9-year-old daughter is very fashion conscious, but I have told her that the way we dress reflects, in part, the respect we have for ourselves."

She admitted, she's voiced concerns to her daughter over some of her clothing choices, which in turn led to good discussions on clothing and culture. "I am thankful for the parochial school uniforms," she laughingly added.

As an educator who works with teens, Carol Fischer, youth minister at St. Alphonsus Parish, Greendale, is aware of the effects the media can have on these young adults. "I think this is a tougher world for our young people today," she said. "The influence of TV, movies and music with so much violence -- even the news is violent -- pressures our youth to be harder and less feeling."

Bob Radomski, principal at the St. William campus of the Waukesha Catholic School System sees the challenges of students trying to adapt to a society where danger and violence is increasingly prominent. "Kids today are exposed to so many new pressures and are bombarded by a lot of messages that I was protected from as I was growing up," he said.

"They are constantly living with the reality of violence, AIDS, and sexually transmitted diseases. These pressures can lead to an increased desire for kids to say what's on their minds, which can often be interpreted as disrespect. We have to realize the difference between this questioning, inquiring communication and actual lack of respect."

What then are the steps to fostering respectful communication?

Parental involvement is key, said the experts. According to Fox, "There are no magic guidelines for good moral development. It is found in the day-to-day relationships with parents and caregivers. It takes many years to develop."

"The teens that are polite and caring are those who seem to come from homes that have high expectations of them. I hear parents yelling and interrupting, swearing and calling their teens names, and then wonder why their children are not respectful. We only get what we give out," Fischer added.

"Some of today's adults need to change their attitudes a bit, I believe," said Nancy Kangas, a recently retired teacher who worked for the Mukwonago school district for nearly 30 years. "They need to establish relationship boundaries. Students don't need more friends.

"They need parents and teachers who act like adults, and who communicate their high expectations for children. When I first began my teaching career, parental involvement was almost second nature. As the years progressed I had less and less of a sense of that partnership. The schools can never take the place of strong parental guidance."

Respect, and respectful behavior however, should be looked upon as a two-way street according to Mountin. "As children grow, are we really saying that you are being respectful if you don't question things?

"Children come to a stage in their lives where asking appropriate questions in a respectful way is not challenging authority. Do we say that being polite is speaking only when spoken to? I think we as parents and educators have the responsibility to treat our childrens' questions with respect, yet set up an environment where the children know their boundaries. I don't want my children to be automatons," she continued.

"It is my responsibility to respect their ability to think and argue and discuss. They must feel comfortable enough to be able to raise issues and expect open communication."

Radomski added a similar perspective. "In the past, children were raised to know that they shouldn't address their superiors except in greeting. These children were probably regarded as polite kids, but the cost, or trade-off, is the value that could have grown from more open discussion. We have to establish a differentiation between the perception of what is polite and the actual, more human, concern of listening to and really communicating with your neighbor."

Reinforcing Christian values throughout family communications can help children understand the broader influence of their actions, explained Mountin. "We are trying to create a Christian community within our families," she commented. "Any Christian community is based on love.

"It is hard to be loving without respect. Parents can use family discussions as an opportunity to ask themselves 'Do I help them (my children) reflect on their experiences to try and understand what God is asking of them?'"

Duffy said her children's parochial school education is a helpful reinforcement of her family's values. "At a parochial school, we find that there are more families that share values similar to ours," she said. "Of course that doesn't mean that my kids aren't subjected to peer pressure and outside influences, but it's nice to be able to draw on the strength of other families who share your values and use them as positive examples."

How does the Duffy family put a real-life face on the struggle to raise respectful, responsible children? "I would have to say that my husband and I form a well-balanced team," Duffy emphasized. "We each have certain strengths in communicating with our kids, and we share our roles as teachers and disciplinarians. With four children, the older kids are always involved with modeling good, positive behaviors for the younger ones. The children know that we have rules within our family and there are consequences for breaking those rules."

A strong faith life, including informal discussions on morality, is also an integral part of the Duffy family routine.

"We try to allow our children, as they get older, the freedom to express themselves and we let them know that they can feel free to talk with us about anything. I would say that one of the most important things we do is share our faith with them. I know that this provides them with so much. It is a source of stability for them and is at the center of how we live our lives," she said.