Teens and alcohol
What can parents do to
help their kids 'just say no?'
By Cindy Crebbin
Special to Parenting
Alcohol isn't necessary at every family celebration, and adults need
to send that message to children by example, said one Catholic high school
principal, who said our society gives mixed messages to teens on alcohol.
Other school administrators say parents need to give firm guidelines
on alcohol and drugs instead of trying to be their teen-ager's friend or
buddy. Keep the dialogue open on these issues, however tough that may be
with teens, they say.
With warmer weather and proms just around the corner, this might be an
ideal time for parents to discuss the use of alcohol and drugs with teens.
In interviews with Catholic Herald Parenting, several high school administrators
and students discussed the issue of teens and alcohol and drugs and offered
their opinions on how to cope with the growing problem.
While they acknowledged there is drug use among high school students,
by far the substance usually abused was alcohol.
Parents pledge to be involved
Don Sisler, principal of St. Catherine's High School, Racine has been
in education for nearly 30 years, 10 of those as a principal.
After the local parents' association at the school suggested St. Catherine
get more active in promoting awareness of drug and alcohol abuse, Sisler
developed a pledge last year for parents to sign regarding alcohol use at
parties.
Among other things, parents pledge not to allow parties in their home
when they are gone, and if they host a party they won't allow alcohol to
be consumed at their home. They also agree to set a definite starting and
ending time for such events.
"A main part of the pledge is to get more vehicles so kids and parents
can discuss the issue," said Sisler. But it's also so parents can discuss
teen drinking among themselves.
Sisler estimates 30 to 40 percent of the parents at St. Catherine have
signed the pledge. The school's enrollment is about 500. Once the pledges
are received, he'll compile a list of the parents who have signed the pledge
and send it to each who has made the commitment.
According to Sisler, "Many parents feel powerless in facing pressures
from society to allow alcohol at special events.
"Another problem, I think, is some well-intentioned parents think
their kids will drink anyway, so they'd rather have them do it in what they
feel is a controlled situation."
For example, Sisler said he knows some parents who will let kids drink
at their home, if they take their car keys away and insist they stay at
the home overnight. "They think this is a safer situation than letting
kids go to a motel or the woods."
And Sisler noted, "There's a certain logic to that. The problem
I see when you mix kids, adults and alcohol is the situation inherently
is out of control. We just hope people would be more pro-active and realize
it's against the law and they're taking a huge responsibility by assuming
liability for other kids."
While Sisler said he agrees with some parents that we need to model responsible
behavior, he also said, "We need to step up and say you don't need
to have alcohol at every celebration."
In another effort to deter teens from drinking, St. Catherine, along
with the national SADD group, changed the name of its club (Students Against
Drunk Driving) to stand for Students Against Destructive Decisions.
"The basis for the national SADD previously was a designated driver,
who wouldn't drink, was chosen by teens to drive them home from a party
where they indulge in alcohol." Sisler explained that concept "in
effect gave permission for a majority of kids to drink to excess, if they
picked a driver. We felt it was important our student group, who wants to
talk about safety, focus on the decision-making process in a broader way."
School brochure encourages responsibility
Bryan J. Van Deun, president of Catholic Memorial High School, Waukesha,
believes there are parents trying to be pals with their teens rather than
parents.
Besides good parents with firm guidelines (for teens) today, Van Deun
contends there are two other types of parents: those who don't have enough
information about what parenting is, and parents who've given up.
"Sometimes in one instance they (parents) can be very good; other
times they back down. Kids seeing inconsistencies will try to exploit them,"
he said.
Last year Catholic Memorial created a brochure giving parents guidelines
for the spring prom. This year an almost identical brochure went out with
the March newsletter for parents. Among the guidelines for parents whose
teens will attend a party is the directive to "verify the party will
be chaperoned for the entire time and no alcohol or drugs will be permitted."
For adults hosting a party, a few of the rules include: "guests
are not allowed to bring alcohol or drugs to the party. If a teen refuses
to cooperate, ask him or her to leave. Be willing to call the police if
the unwanted guest refuses."
Van Deun said one of the sad things about the post prom party last year
at the Robert Gessert home, where two Catholic Memorial girls brought sexual
assault charges against then-Green Bay Packer Mark Chmura and Gessert, was
" those kids were in a private home with parents home."
Van Deun also said, "We encourage parents to have a contract with
a teen (there's a sample copy in the brochure) which both sign. Basically
the contract states if their teens find themselves in a situation where
they or their friends are unable to drive they will call their parents for
transportation. The parents, by signing the contract, agree to pick them
up - no questions asked - with the expectation the issue will be discussed
at a later time.
"I have two sons and we did that pledge with them," said Van
Deun.
But he pointed out, "we know policies and programs aren't enough.
All high schools have policies and programs. They won't do anything if we
have no support from the family unit.
"I think one key (for parents) is they need to communicate with
other parents when their kids are younger. By the time their teens are in
high school as juniors and seniors, they may think they're too sophisticated
for (parental) rules."
The April newsletter to parents contained more prom guidelines. Van Deun
said he included excerpts from "Preparing for Peer Pressure: A Guide
for Parents of Young Children," by James B. Stenson. Stenson advises,
"Make clear to your older children you trust their integrity, but not
always their judgment. This is an important distinction. Unless you are
given reason to do otherwise, you will always put faith in their honesty
and good intentions. But you also realize that they can do serious damage
to themselves through lack of experience, and through immature judgment."
According to Van Deun schools that successfully handle these situations
have parental involvement, not only in enforcing the school policies, but
in role modeling them.
Patrick Farrell, assistant to the president for student life at Catholic
Memorial emphasized communication with students. Farrell, who has been at
the school 30 years, and is known for his rapport among students, said "Although
kids may seem they're not listening they really look to you to bounce questions
and thoughts off of you. You have to be secure in your value system and
tell them what your feelings are. You suffer the risk of them (students)
appearing not to listen, of their anger, of them saying you don't know what
you're talking about, but they want to hear from you," he said. But
Farrell also the importance of parents talking with their kids, rather than
preaching to them.
Students 'tell it like it is'
According to Dena Tellefsen, 17, a senior at St. Catherine's High School,
Racine "drinking is really prevalent (at the school). There are people
who take it to extremes, but those are a minority. They expect us to be
holy and not do those things, but I think a bigger percentage of kids here
do it. Maybe because it's a smaller environment, it's easier to get caught
up in this. It's not uncommon to find it (drinking) with students, who have
extracurriculars and good grades. Their parents wouldn't think of them doing
that.
"It's a big issue because kids can get out of control and they don't
understand what is actually happening to them while they're intoxicated.
The majority of the people do it for fun - it's a social thing."
Still Tellefsen, who is an honors student, has been able to cope with
the pressures to drink and socialize. If there's a party you can still go
and not take part in drinking and have fun," she said.
Tellefsen said her parents help her cope with the (peer) pressures to
drink. 'I guess they're kind of strict. We don't have definite rules, but
I'd let them down (by drinking or doing drugs.)"
Several students at Catholic Memorial said the pressures to drink and
do drugs depend on who your friends are.
Betsy Fryda, 18, a senior is co-president of SADD at Catholic Memorial
High School. "I think it (whether there's drinking) has to do with
the people you hang out with. There's a good percentage of parties that
have no alcohol at them," Fryda said.
Fryda added her parents instilled a strong foundation in her (not to
drink or use drugs.)
Tom McInerny, 16, a sophomore, said he thought "50 percent of the
time you can get alcohol at parties. But there are also parties with no
alcohol."
For McInerny sports has helped steer him away from drugs." I'd get
in trouble with my coach (by drinking or doing drugs). I'd be suspended
for two or three games. I'd be letting down the team," he said. In
addition, McInerny said "My parents told me if I got caught drinking
I'd be grounded. I know they're serious. Some parents don't sit down and
talk to their kids about it."
Post prom publicity
Catholic Memorial copes with fallout of fateful party
Even with all the policies and programs in place to discourage teens
from abusing alcohol or drugs, there are times when "all too often,
a poorly planned party can have unwanted, even tragic consequences,"
reads a Catholic Memorial Brochure on prom guidelines from last spring.
The words seems eerily prophetic in light of the law suits filed following
the post-prom party held at the home of Robert Gessert last April.
This year those same words were highlighted in a brochure with prom guidelines
for parents at the high school.
The tragic consequences of the post prom party held at the Gessert home
last year, included two teen-age girls from Catholic Memorial bringing charges
of sexual assault - one against Gessert, the other against former Green
Bay Packer Mark Chmura. (Chmura was recently acquitted, while Gessert after
a plea bargain will pay a fine and do community service.) But that party
was any parent's and educator's nightmare.
So how has Catholic Memorial coped with all the publicity from that party
at the Gessert home and the recent Mark Chmura case?
"I think in the very short term (one to two months) there was interpersonal
conflict which arose because people take sides with all issues," said
Catholic Memorial president, Bryan Van Deun. "But in the long term,"
he said, "We have to understand teens' lives are very hectic, whether
they're thinking about the next test or problems with a relationship. I
think the students healed much faster than adults, who have longer memories,"
he said.
According to Van Deun, to promote healing in the school, Catholic Memorial
took a number of steps. Immediately after the Gessert party, the school
made an announcement asking students and staff " to pray for those
who need our prayers. "In addition, there was counseling available
for individuals who needed it.
This spring there will also be a prayer service for a safe, trouble free,
but fun prom.
According to Patrick Farrell, assistant to the president for student
life at the Catholic Memorial, the aftermath of that tragic post prom party,
in the long run, has actually brought students and staff more together.
"I think anytime you're family - and I truly believe Catholic Memorial
is a large family - any time you go through conflict, there's got to be
some growth and discussion, " he said.
"I think in some ways it shows the resilience of Catholic Memorial.
I think the kids have more resolve than they've ever had in helping each
other and reaching out to others," said Farrell. "The awareness
now is we really are responsible for each other."
- Cindy Crebbin
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chnonline@archmil.org