Serving the people of the Archdiocese of Milwaukee
By Patrick J. Russell
Special to Parenting
The question, "How do you teach your children about the seven deadly sins?" arose during a recent meeting of mothers at our parish.
There was an awkward pause in the conversation until one brave soul dared to utter what was on the minds of those present: "Well, uh, before we get to the 'how,' what are the seven deadly sins ... and why in the world would you want to teach them to children?"
After a murmur of agreement, the mothers searched their childhood memories of CCD classes and instruction from the nuns to compile the list of deadly sins - pride, anger, envy, greed, gluttony, sloth, and lust. The conversation then took an interesting turn. Teaching our children about these sins was really not much of a problem, because we as individuals and as a society are modeling them to our children quite well, thank you very much!
'I know it when I see it'
As this parish meeting episode points out, one of the values of listing the seven deadly sins is that naming sin's various guises makes us more aware of sin's reality and presence in our lives. It is sort of like a story from the U.S. Supreme Court. The court was struggling to distinguish between free expression guaranteed by the First Amendment and pornography. Frustrated at the court's inability to come up with a clear definition of pornography, one of the justices, Potter Stewart, is reported to have sputtered, "Well, I know it when I see it!" So it is with all sin. We see it in our lives more often in hindsight.
One of the purposes of teaching children - and ourselves - the names of sin is so that we are not, like the Supreme Court justice, trapped in only knowing sin in the rearview mirror, that is, only after we have experienced falling into sin. None of us would allow our children to drive on the streets until we are confident that they know the numerous traffic signs. Just as road signs help prevent accidents and injury, so, too, the seven deadly sins stand as warning signs in life. By teaching our children this list, we inform their consciences when we identify the negative psychological forces that lead us to decisions and actions that harm others.
Knowing the seven deadly sins gives our children the ability to "look down the road" in their daily lives so as to be able to anticipate situations in which it is likely that a human being might say "no" to God's invitation of love. In this way, they are able to stay on the path of more faithfully following Jesus in their daily lives.
Sin belongs in the home?
But there is still the question of how we should explain them to our children. We as parents fear that focusing upon the negative will cripple our children's self-image and self-confidence. At the same time, we know that failure to point out and correct our children's negative behaviors is a sure-fire recipe for producing selfish, self-centered individuals. In addition, we do not want to communicate to our children that faith is about avoiding sin out of fear of God's punishment. Too often this is the message that our generation remembers from its childhood religious education experiences.
Possibly, though, the reason for this negative memory was not so much due to the content of the instruction but to the classroom context in which we learned about sin. Perhaps Catholics should adopt a new motto: Sin belongs in the home!
This is not a spurious assertion. One of the great mysteries of our Christian faith is that we profess belief in a God who is both merciful and just. Logically speaking, justice and mercy are incompatible realities that cannot be extended at the same time. However, we as parents know that the resolution of mercy and justice is possible through our deep love for our children - a love that replicates the love of God for all of us, his children! In love, we as parents hold our children accountable for their actions while continually and unceasingly embracing them in our compassion.
Thus, by our very love we teach our children a deep mystery about the human person's relationship with God: life is not a test with the goal of earning God's love by being good; rather life is fundamentally an experience of God's love which calls forth goodness from us in response.
This is exactly why the most appropriate place for teaching our children about sin is our homes - because it is in this context that discussions on the cold reality of sin are always wrapped in a tangible experience of the warm blanket of God's love.
Strategies for teaching
Given all this, what might be some strategies for teaching our children about the seven deadly or grave sins? One prayer method that has long been recognized as indispensable in the spiritual life is the examination of conscience. This practice can be easily and simply adapted in various ways.
Nighttime Prayers: Instead of saying rote prayers, lead your children through an examination of their day. Begin with the sign of the cross and then invite your children to think back over their day and all that happened in it. This might be done silently or aloud. Ask them to share the one thing for which they are most grateful that happened that day. Next, ask them to share one thing they are sorry for doing (like hitting their brother or sister) or not doing (like not cleaning their room).
Using the names for the seven grave sins (envy, pride, anger, greed, gluttony, sloth, lust), ask which of these motivated the behavior for which they are sorry. Depending on the age of the children, the sins might have to be explained or simpler words used.
Engage in a conversation about what they think they might do tomorrow if they feel this same negative motivation arise in them. Help them to think in concrete terms (e.g., you might suggest they count to 10 before saying or doing anything when angry; suggest they have a mental "photograph" of Jesus tenderly healing a leper when they feel the sin of pride in themselves; etc.). End by thanking God for all the love God has given to us in our lives.
Dinner Table Discussions: Use dinner time as an opportunity to discuss how the family minimizes God's love by acting out the seven deadly sins. Consider taking one deadly sin a night for a week, or identify a specific night of the week (perhaps Sundays) as "Reconciliation" night so that in seven weeks all deadly sins are covered.
For this exercise to be successful, clear procedures have to be in place so that children know it is not acceptable to use this opportunity to start blaming or accusing others.
First, ask each person to cite a specific recent example in which a family member acted in a fashion that built up love in the family and kept one of the grave sins out of the family relationships. For example, if the sin under discussion is sloth, a brother might cite how his sister does a good job of picking up after herself, or a mother might cite how the father stopped watching television to help with the dishes. Every family member must give at least one example.
Next, discuss generally when and how the family sometimes succumbs to the deadly sin under consideration. Here, a firm ground rule has to be followed: if you use a specific example, you can talk only about your own failings, not another family member's. After all have shared, discuss ways the family might help each other to foster an environment of love and avoid falling into the negative patterns identified. End the discussion with a short prayer of contrition in which the family asks God to forgive our trespasses against each other and for the grace to love one another more fully in the coming days.
Cloak sin with God's love
Regardless of whether you adapt these "examination of conscience" practices to fit your family situation or find other means for teaching the seven deadly sins, the crucial factor is that discussions on sin must always be cloaked with the love of God.
The point is not to avoid evil for its own sake, but to do good as a response to God's love.
In this, parents are particularly blessed spiritually, because the experience of parenthood gives a unique insight into not only the seven deadly sins but also the nature of God. As Fr. Ronald Rolheiser pointed out in "The Holy Longing" regarding the sins of pride and greed, "Perhaps there is nothing in this world as powerful to break selfishness as is the simple act of looking at our own children. In our love for them we are given a privileged avenue to feel as God feels - to burst into unselfishness, in joy, in delight, and in the desire to let another's life be more real and important than our own."
Thus, the challenge for us as parents is to strive mightily to not only teach our children about the seven deadly sins but also to bear the awesome mystery of God's love for them.
(Russell is an adult and family minister at St. Dominic Parish, Brookfield, and an Ignatian associate, a lay group affiliated with the Jesuits. He and his wife Stephanie have four sons, ages 8 to 17.)
What are the deadly sins?
The deadly sins are also called the capital or grave sins because from these negative tendencies or vices spring all sinful thoughts, behaviors, and omissions.
Pride - Described as the "queen of sins" and the "root of all evil" by Pope Gregory the Great, it is self-centeredness (in contrast to a healthy self-esteem, which stems from a recognition that we are all made in the image of God). Pride exhibits itself in bragging, finding it difficult to admit one is wrong, not asking for help, being too concerned about what others think, or not seeing the value of another person's position or perspective.
Greed - Also called avarice, it is a longing for the possession of something or an eagerness to accumulate wealth and obtain money. Greed displays itself in stealing and shoplifting, an inability to share with others or give to charity, a grasping at material security, or an infatuation with the things and values of our consumeristic society.
Envy - It is the tendency to begrudge the good of another, usually because of a lack of self-confidence or self-contentment with one's own life. Envy shows itself in harmful gossip, discrediting the accomplishments or gifts of others, and succumbing to peer pressure so as to be accepted by the "in-crowd."
Anger - Often spurred by a perceived hurt or injustice, it is a harmful defense of one's sense of self-worth through shouting, hitting, road rage, etc. Anger can also express itself passively when a person harbors resentments or uses passive-aggressive behaviors (e.g., always being late) as a way of striking back at others.
Lust - Often erroneously limited with sexual desire, it is actually the overmastering craving for pleasure. Lust is seen in the impersonal use of a person or object for one's own self-gratification, in the need to dominate others, or the search for self-stimulation through sexual activity, drugs, alcohol, and entertainment.
Gluttony - While traditionally viewed as excessive eating and drinking, it is any disproportionate indulgence of the physical self. Thus, gluttony is evident not only in overeating, but also in an undue preoccupation with one's physical appearance and immoderate amounts of exercising or dieting.
Sloth - Also referred to as "acedia" (a Greek word that means "not caring"), it is a lack of feeling for the world, people, or self. It takes the form of boredom, procrastination, apathy, sluggishness, indifference, melancholy, and dissatisfaction with life. Slothful behaviors include excessive TV watching, failure to clean up after one's self, unwillingness to help another in need, etc.
Where did the seven deadly sins come from?
The tradition of seven deadly or capital sins comes from monastic reflection upon Luke 11:24-26, which states that an exorcised unclean spirit "goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself" before possessing another person. Early monks began to reflect upon what these evil spirits or sins might be. The first question this text surfaces is whether seven or eight evil spirits should be identified. The fourth century monk Evagrius Ponticus (d. 399) listed eight "evil thoughts" or attitudes that prevented living the holy life. Gregory the Great (d. 604) pared down the list to seven by collapsing vainglory into pride, sadness into sloth and adding envy.
It was Gregory's list that was adopted by the theologians of the Middle Ages. Such noted theologians as Hugh of St. Victor, Peter Lombard, and Thomas Aquinas all reflected upon and analyzed these capital sins. The use of the seven deadly sins as a way of preparing for confession became extremely popular in the Middle Ages.
The continued influence of the deadly sins in succeeding generations can be seen in popular culture. The use of this list is central in some of the classics of Western literature, such as Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales" and Dante's "Divine Comedy." In recent years, some have suggested that each of the castaways on the TV sitcom "Gilligan's Island" represents a different deadly sin and that their inability to get off the island is because their character flaws always foil their attempts at achieving salvation. A more explicit use of this list of sins is found in the grisly murder mystery movie "Seven," which was released a few years ago.
By Maryangela Layman Román
Parenting Staff
MILWAUKEE - The final bells had rung at Messmer High School and Messmer Preparatory School over an hour earlier, yet the silence in Jennifer Harvey's Sherman Park home was deafening.
Sure the four young members of Harvey's household were home, but rather than kicking up their heels and unwinding at home, the youngsters, along with Harvey's 9-year-old nephew Sean, were gathered around the kitchen table doing homework. Even first-grader Kamisha was busy writing her spelling words five times each in preparation for a spelling test the following day.
Commenting on the silence, Harvey said it's typical on school afternoons - and that's the only way she will have it.
Harvey, 37, a manager at Ameritech, emphasizes education in her household. She herself has bachelor's degrees in mathematics and economics from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and a master's degree in business administration from Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind.
Now raising her two nieces, Samantha, 18, and Christina, 11, along with her adopted daughters, Kameko, 10, and Kamisha, 6, Harvey is trying to pass along to her children the importance of knowledge and good study habits.
To accomplish this, she's enlisted the help of Messmer High School and Messmer Preparatory School, formerly Blessed Trinity Elementary School.
Harvey was first introduced to the schools four years ago after Samantha graduated from Gospel Lutheran Elementary School, where the family are members.
High school for Samantha came down to Milwaukee Lutheran, where she wanted to go, and Messmer High School, which Harvey favored because the school was smaller and boasted a higher percentage of students who go on to college. Over Samantha's protestations, Messmer was chosen. Samantha, a senior, who plans to attend college in Wisconsin or Tennessee, says she's now happy with the choice.
In March 1999, when Kameko and Kamisha first arrived as foster children in Harvey's home, she hoped to enroll them in Gospel Lutheran, where Christina was a student. But the school was filled, and she turned to then-Blessed Trinity School.
Soon after, Christina, Sean and several other Harvey relatives followed and became Blessed Trinity students.
"I'm very pleased with it," said Harvey. "I figure when my kids are not with me, I want them to be with someone who cares about them as much as I do," she said speaking of Messmer president Capuchin Br. Bob Smith.
"Br. Bob has a sense that education is important, but educating in conjunction with teaching the word of God," added Harvey. Recently, while helping Samantha with a history assignment, she was pleased to see biblical lessons incorporated into the history lesson.
Harvey is so dedicated to her children's education that she was willing to give up her job to see them succeed academically.
Kameko and Kamisha came to Harvey from an abusive foster home. The emotional damage inflicted on the little girls was great, explained Harvey, and scars, in the form of behavioral problems remain.
At the time, experts told Harvey that Kameko was likely borderline mentally retarded. She had been in second grade at her previous school so Blessed Trinity enrolled her in the second grade. However, she took the Iowa Basics Test shortly after arriving, and according to Harvey, "scored very, very low."
Because of the academic and behavioral problems she was demonstrating, she required an "adult shadow," to stay with her throughout the school day. Harvey took a leave of absence from Ameritech and for several weeks sat in the back of the classroom at a table helping Kameko. It was at this point that Harvey considered quitting her job.
But her mother, Martha Gregory, who lives in Tennessee stepped in to help instead. Gregory moved to Milwaukee for the remaining eight months of the school year and served as a full-time volunteer to Kameko and any of the children who needed her.
The individual tutoring worked wonders for Kameko who is now in fourth grade, on par with her classmates, earning A's and B's with only an occasional C, noted her proud mother. She no longer needs an individual tutor.
"I loved being at the school and being with the children," commented Gregory, after she was awarded a New Citizenship Award by the school for her dedication to the students. "My only problem is that I have a huge telephone bill for calls to my husband!"
Harvey said her mother cherishes the plaque given her by the school and has it prominently displayed in her Tennessee home.
"She loved (being with the children)," said Harvey of her mother. "It woke something up in her. She came here to help me with Kameko and she really felt needed by all the children. The other kids all clamored for her attention too."
The students called her "Granny," Harvey noted, and when she left for the Christmas holiday, several of them wrote letters to her.
After her mother's stint as school tutor had ended, "when I took her back to the train station, I cried," Harvey said. "I'm so thankful for what she did for me and what she did for my children." Even though her mother is no longer in Milwaukee to help with the children, Harvey, who is divorced, has a network of relatives nearby. She said she also appreciates Smith, whose open door policy has helped her numerous times.
"Br. Bob really cares about the children and he makes sure the teachers care too," Harvey said, explaining how Smith somehow manages to help any needy student find scholarship money for college. "And he does this for all the kids, not just for the kids with 3.0 (grade point averages.)"
In the years since her children began attending Messmer, Harvey has become one of the school's biggest promoters. She's not only sent her own "little rug rats," to the school as she affectionately calls her brood, but has encouraged relatives and friends to choose Catholic education at Messmer. She also urges other foster parents to choose the school through the Milwaukee School Choice program.
And if Harvey has her way, she'll have two new recruits for the school soon. If things go as planned, she's looking to expand her family with the addition of two more young foster daughters.
The two visit the family every weekend, and if Harvey convinces her family there is enough love to go around for two more, the girls will join the family soon and of course, will be enrolled at Messmer Preparatory School.
By Patricia Lorenz
It's been said that something becomes a habit in 30 days. Do the same thing every day for 30 days and it's yours for life. Drink eight glasses of water for 30 days and you'll have a new, healthy, lifelong habit. Spend five minutes in prayer every morning for the next 30 days and daily prayer will become a habit for life.
Spend a half-hour with each of your children every day and you'll create a habit that will not only make you a candidate for "parent of the year" but it'll be a habit that will last until your children leave home. Plus, that's the sort of habit that carries on for generations and generations. You can bet your children will be spending at least a half-hour a day with each of their children one-on-one if you've laid the groundwork by doing it yourself.
Good habits are contagious and can easily be passed down from generation to generation.
Today, I offer you the challenge to begin a new habit, one that will change your life dramatically. For the next 30 days read the following words every day three times. Read them when you get up in the morning. Read them at lunch time or on your first break of the day.
Read them before dinner at night or before you get into bed. Three times a day for 30 days. If you do it, you will feel yourself changing inside and out.
I am responsible for me and everything I say and do. No matter how much I want to blame others or make excuses for my behavior, I will no longer do it. No matter what happened to me when I was growing up, or struggling in school, or at work, I will move forward. I will not carry grudges against anyone who has touched my life in a bad way. Instead I will move forward and thank God that I had that unpleasant experience because it taught me that struggles give me three wonderful gifts: They make me strong, they give me character and they make me interesting.
No matter what happens to me, as long as I accept responsibility for everything I say and do, I will never, ever lose my value in the eyes of God, family, friends, neighbors or co-workers. I am the only person like me in the entire world. God gave me life, a one-of-a-kind life. It's my responsibility to make me the best me that could ever be.
I will keep in mind that accepting responsibility for myself is hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Therefore, if I slip a little and do not act responsibly, I will work harder and harder at it. I will stop blaming others for making my life miserable, unhappy, or unsuccessful. I will acknowledge that I am the only one who walks in my shoes, lives in my brain and controls the movements of my arms, legs, and mouth. Only me. I am responsible for me and for everything I say and do.
I will find creative ways to be responsible. I won't just try to make lemonade out of lemons. No, I'll find ways to make lemonade out of turnips. The more difficult the challenge, the more I will embrace it.
The more I want to feel angry or bitter or unforgiving or downtrodden, the harder I will try to calm down, smile, forgive and celebrate my life.
I will accept the responsibility of changing me - not anyone else - just me.
I will constantly look for the positive in every negative situation. I will not give up in the face of obstacles. Instead, I will treat those obstacles like friends who are giving me the opportunity to solve a problem, create a solution, or rise to the occasion. I will celebrate obstacles, problems and struggles!
If my health fails, I will thank God that I still have the power of my mind. If someone I love becomes unhealthy, I will encourage them and help them and do what is necessary and then I will do even more than is necessary. I will be there for them every day and encourage them unconditionally because that is what someone does who takes responsibility seriously. A responsible person is a caregiver, a friend, someone others can trust and turn to.
I am responsible for me and everything I say and do. I will never try to eat the entire elephant in one sitting. No matter what challenges come my way or how big the project is or how unfathomable the problem, I will remember that mile by mile, it's a trial; yard by yard it's hard; but inch by inch, it's a cinch. I will never give up because a responsible person is persistent.
If I have to do something a thousand times before I get it right, I will. I will do it 10,000 times if necessary. I am a responsible person, the only one responsible for everything I say and do.
(Lorenz is an internationally-known author of two books and hundreds of true stories published in many magazines, anthologies and Chicken Soup for the Soul books.)
(Lorenz makes her living as a writer and a speaker. For speaking engagements you may e-mail her at <patricialorenz@juno.com>)
James Pankratz - Special to Parenting
The holidays are over, our children, well-fed and well-stocked with new toys, have gone back to school. A new president was inaugurated, one who pledged to make "education reform" a cornerstone of his administration's policy.
During their campaigns both George Bush and Al Gore agreed that the American system of education needs improvement. But what does this really mean? It seems it pretty much boils down to one thing: testing. More testing.
More frequent and comprehensive testing will improve the ability to measure the results of our children's education, but will it improve the quality? I suppose the underlying assumption is that the higher the bar is set, the harder teachers and students will strive to reach it. But the teachers I know are working pretty hard already. Many students are, too.
It seems to me we're missing something. And it's a connection that I don't think either candidate really wanted to make since the problem is growing right in the midst of all of our recent economic prosperity. That problem is the poverty of children in the United States.
When we think of poverty and children, we like to think of so-called Third World nations. But let's take a look at our own backyard. Right now one in five children in the United States lives in poverty.
In his angry 1998 work of social journalism, "Cold New World: Growing Up in a Harder Country," William Finnegan wrote about his recent experience living with families from Connecticut to California. What he found might surprise you.
Writing during the time of the bull market and the lowest unemployment rate in 24 years, he found that "30 percent of the country's workers (earn) too little to lift a family out of poverty."
Finnegan pointed out that between 1970 and 1995 progressive social policy has reduced poverty by more than 50 percent for Americans over 65. Conversely, "during that same period, poverty among American children rose by 37 percent." He concluded, "Our national child-poverty rate is by far the highest among the world's advanced economies."
He pushes a hot button when he accuses us taxpayers of shirking our responsibility to educate the young. Then he backs it up. He gives an example of the shift in thinking in his home state of California. In the mid-1960s, California's "public schools enjoyed the seventh-highest per pupil spending in the country; by 1995, California's per-pupil spending ranked 47th nationally." The change began with the property tax revolt of the 1970s. California took money directly from its higher education budget and diverted it to law enforcement and the penal system.
The change in thinking seems to be: deal with criminals solely by locking them up rather than eradicating the desperate social condition that is the catalyst for crime: poverty.
But that was California. How about Wisconsin? A Nov. 30 article in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel began with a statistic from the U.S. Census Bureau: "More than three in 10 Milwaukee Public Schools students lived in poverty in 1997 - in stark contrast to several nearby suburban school districts where fewer than 1 percent of students are poor." The Census Bureau goes on to estimate that "in MPS 32 percent of children ages 5 to 17 lived in poverty in 1997.... That's 37,888 students."
The article cites the observation of Bob Jacobson, a policy analyst with the Wisconsin Council on Children and Families, that the overall poverty rate in Wisconsin rose between 1995 and 1997 during the time of a booming economy. In the same newspaper article, the executive director of the Hunger Task Force of Milwaukee, Sherrie Kay, said she believes the main reason for the continuation of poverty is inadequate wages.
It is hard to master algebraic equations on an empty stomach. It is hard to learn the capital of Wyoming when you wonder if the space heater will be working tonight. And it is hard to concentrate on a proficiency exam, when yesterday you and your family were evicted from your apartment.
First, to improve education, reduce poverty. Then an education can help reduce poverty. It's a circle, but it has to begin with providing the basics for our children.
What can you do? Begin by increasing your family's awareness. Whenever you and your children sit down together for supper, set an extra plate. Leave it empty. Leave the plate empty night after night until you decide to take one specific step. You could send a contribution to the Hunger Task Force, or write a letter to your representative in Congress.
Remember that when government was ready to enact social policy to reduce poverty among the elderly, the ways and means were found. Take a step yourself. That will be an education in social justice for your children.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist in Catholic Charities' Milwaukee regional office.)
Copyright, 1997 by Catholic Herald, Milwaukee, WI
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