Serving the people of the Archdiocese of Milwaukee
By Joan King
Special to Parenting
"God told me I didn't have to drink my orange juice every day." The remark from my 5-year-old brought me to a halt. She had clearly brought a higher authority to the breakfast table. How do you argue with a voice from above?
Even though this incident happened some years ago, I remember it just as clearly as if it were yesterday. Many such times occur in a parent's life, when children speak against parental authority. However, not all of these events are this amusing. Some of them portend a crisis, however small, that a child is experiencing.
When faith and culture clash
"Even a small child can tell what goes on in the family. Secretiveness works against the child," said Mary Matestic, parent of four and pastoral associate at St. Mary Parish, Hales Corners. "A child needs openness in the family in order to talk about concerns or fears. The parents need to give clear information but keep the information simple but truthful in language. If a child is not brought into the communication, he or she may feel left out, will know something's wrong but cannot identify what it is and often expresses behavioral regression."
"Why don't daddies go to church?" "How come Jenny has two mommies and no daddy?" "Why does Uncle Mark have two families?" When the behavior of some family members is not in accordance with the rules of the church, do we address the matter with our children or keep it to ourselves?
Parents need to be open to these questions and address them at the time they happen. When the subject involves principles of faith, a discussion should not be put off until another day. More than likely, another such opportunity will not surface in quite the same way.
How well a parent deals with this may depend on his or her faith experience and knowledge. It's said that parents are the primary teachers of their children. But do we really accept this responsibility, especially when it comes to passing on our Catholic faith, a precious gift from God that we enabled our children to receive in baptism? After the sacrament is received, do we provide faith opportunities to our children?
The Rite of Baptism for Children states - "To fulfill the true meaning of the sacrament; children must later be formed in the faith in which they have been baptized. Christian formation, which is their due, seeks to lead them gradually to learn God's plan in Christ, so that they may ultimately accept for themselves the faith in which they have been baptized" (RBC, No.3). We are given this new child to instruct and eventually return to God.
How do we teach our children that this gift of faith continues to nourish them in all aspects and times of their lives? What can we do to ensure their way will always be toward God?
Matestic believes these years are critical times. She called it "The Gray Matter Tension," and added, "This requires abstract thinking. However, young children think in black and white. They imagine good and evil with good overcoming evil. They have difficulty dealing with gray areas, as they cannot abstract until about the age of 12. They need a sound mentor or teacher who can help them deal with gray issues. Parents have to teach families how to understand through love and continue to love no matter what the problem. Parents may say something like 'It makes me sad but I still love him.'"
Seek the Answers
"Parents themselves may be in faith crisis, causing them to show lack of responsibility in giving direction to children," said Jean Marie Weber, archdiocesan associate director for catechetics to children. "In some families, religious education is not a priority. This lax attitude is often shown today in those who say a child should be able to choose a religion when they reach adulthood." Where is the treasure - the gift - to pass on?
"In passing on faith to children, parents have a tough road. They are rowing against the cultural tide," said Fr. John Yockey, pastor of St. Jerome Parish, Oconomowoc. "For most of the previous century, the culture supported and reinforced home values. In more recent years, with the sophistication of the media, there is so much that is seductive, enticing, violent."
"Parents have a tough time communicating faith values to children," Yockey added. "There are no guarantees that their children will value the faith. Their best assurance is to provide a home where the Catholic faith is shared and truly respected. Children need to know that the faith means a lot to their parents. One of the ways this is accomplished is through shared prayer - at night and at meals. And it's never too late to start."
School Sister of Notre Dame Kieran Sawyer, director of TYME OUT Youth Center in Stone Bank, suggests another way to incorporate prayer into today's busy family life.
"Before every baseball, soccer, football game or other important activity, parents can gather the family together for a prayer. These are little acts, but so important, and show a sense of family," she said. "If parents would spend more time with children, it gives a reason to share really important things." Sawyer described a busy mom of a large family she knows who plans her week to give each child special time.
"Sometimes, it could be while doing the supper dishes. In any case, when a child came with a question, she gave each undivided attention - maybe just for a few seconds or minutes."
Teach by Example
It is also important that parents show a consistency and credibility in what they say and do. Parents must learn to be more patient with the faith process.
Much has been researched and written about the different stages of faith development. Knowledge of these stages can help parents look at their own faith journeys to better understand the attitudes and questions that children have.
When the children are small, experiencing faith is important.
"We always sang 'Holy God, We Praise Thy Name' after Mass," Sawyer remembered. "I can still see my dad singing. I didn't know what all those words meant - 'seraphim and cherubim', but I did know the hymn was associated with my dad's faith."
Celebrating the seasons of the church year - Advent, Christmas, Lent - in the home strengthens the ties to church. When families participate in church activities such as liturgies - and even festivals - they are also increasing the bond.
The extended family is another important aspect of faith sharing. "When speaking to kids about faith growth, grandparents are always way up there. The faith ambience in the grandparents' home is important. There may be crucifixes on the walls or other religious objects about. These are not so readily found in today's young family homes," explained Sawyer.
What should a parent do when children question the need to go to Mass? If parents model regular participation at church, going to Mass with their children and talking about what went on there brings another sense of family. Children may just want to know why the church requires this, and a straightforward answer may be sufficient.
"Discussing the homily brings home a lesson to all," counseled Lisa Marie Calderone-Stewart, associate director for early adolescent ministry in the archdiocese. She suggested this lesson could also be accomplished by choosing another Catholic family whose child or children are good friends, attending the same Mass and then meeting after for brunch or taking turns at each other's homes for coffee, juice and donuts.
"Then, it's not such a 'boring' morning. It's more of a 'faith community gathering' and the children of both families get to see how another family values church going. This is a particularly good strategy for teens still living at home, who are minors," Calderone-Stewart explained.
Keep Communication Open
"As children grow older, they will always have questions at some stage. Most often this is (during the) adolescence/teen years when they stand back and question what is received, somewhat like a devil's advocate. They are searching to own this faith that they have. At the high school or college age, they are often presented with new philosophies that challenge them. If they do not turn to the parents, there should be another trusted adult figure from whom they can get the answers they are seeking," Yockey advises.
"Allow children to search. There is nothing you can do to stop it. Be patient, do not get discouraged. Keep praying, loving them and hoping," further suggested Sawyer.
The questions will change. A few questions sophomores and juniors have asked are "Would the church be mad if you wanted to change religions?' "What is the church's stance on safe, premarital sex?" "Why don't sermons deal with problems facing this generation instead of old history that does not affect us?" "Why is one religion right or better than the other ones?" These show that they are looking for answers that will be relevant to their lives and the way they will live.
If these questions are asked at home, how are they answered? Gert Arndorfer of North Lake (mother of 12, grandmother of 32 and great-grandmother of 19) recommended, "Discussions should be honest, with patience, not anger. Dialogue involves speaking and listening. When talking to children, do your very best to make yourself clear on the issue. Don't be judgmental or condone bad behavior. Convey the idea that good people can make bad decisions. At one time, I was having just such a discussion that involved values with one of my children who said, 'I'm sorry that you feel that way, mother.' I firmly stated, 'I'm not sorry I feel that way.'"
"I urge parents to take these questions seriously. If parents don't know, check it out, but face the questions. Turn to other good adult role models such as a teacher, family friend, or priest. Look to a parish program or parent meetings with the director of religious education to have questions answered," continued Yockey.
The worshiping faith community of the church provides strong witness. "In the teen years, children need a bigger circle than the family but still must maintain a supply line to family," said Sawyer. "It is hard to be on equal adult-to-adult level with Mom. Teens need another adult they trust so they can practice being an adult."
One of the most successful ways that parishes have found to give teens a more conscious and meaningful sense of faith is through peer witnessing in the confirmation retreat or program. Young adults who have been confirmed and are in their later teens can be valuable role models.
Love the Child, Not the Behavior
When, in spite of every effort, a young person makes a decision that the parent feels is contrary to the Catholic faith, the family should not alienate him or her, but respect the decision, according to Lou Jacquet, editor of the Catholic Exponent, the Youngstown, Ohio diocesan newspaper. In an article titled, "Letting go may be the grown-up way to act," in the Oct. 7, 1999 Catholic Exponent, Jacquet wrote, "Prayer is a great source of solace for parents whose children have made unfortunate choices. Prayer does change lives. But beyond prayer, there is much to be said for letting the adult son or daughter follow their own road. It is surprising how often that road returns through meandering and unexpected ways to the faith and values that the parents had tried to instill in the first place. But this time, the adult offspring have come to that faith and those values out of desire and experience rather than because Mom or Dad said so."
By Cheryl Kornburger
Special to Parenting
"Remember to keep holy the sabbath day" (Ex 20:8).
The third commandment is probably familiar. After all, many of us memorized it when we were small. But what does it really mean for us today? Is it possible in this day and age to keep the Sabbath holy as God instructed Moses to do more than 2,000 years ago?
If you ask the Reuteman family, they would answer with a resounding,"Yes." Featured recently in The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, the Reuteman family described how they gather every Sunday for 7:30 a.m. Mass at St. Paul Church in Genesee Depot. This extended family consists of a set of parents, 10 grown children and their spouses, 42 grandchildren and some of their spouses, and even a few great-grandchildren. And while attending Mass at such an early hour seems amazing enough for such a large group, they also take turns hosting breakfast afterwards.
In a recent telephone interview with Catholic Herald Parenting, Ruth Reuteman explained the origins of this tradition. "We've always attended early Mass even when the children were young," she said. "And as they grew older, they were still expected to go to early Mass, no matter how late they were out. Everyone was always up early."
The tradition continued even as the children got older because all of them lived at home while they attended college. "So, many of my children met their current spouses right in the neighborhood," Reuteman said. And with the exception of one son who passed away without marrying and one son who married into another denomination, all of her children remain Catholic. In fact, the remaining children all attend St. Paul Church and the grandchildren go to school there.
Reuteman recalled, "At one time there were 17 children on the bus, and nine of them were cousins."
Family activities help promote keeping the Sabbath holy, she said. "We always discouraged shopping on Sundays. We wanted our children to know that we wouldn't encourage the shop owners to stay open on Sunday. There were other days to shop." She also vividly remembers a Jewish shop owner who closed his furniture store not only on Saturday, his Sabbath day, but also on Sunday, to honor and respect the Christian tradition.
Reuteman suggested today's parents strive to uphold the same value system. "You (parents) have to win your children back again," she said. The current way of life is filled with so many opportunities that weren't even available when she was raising her children. She believes it is important to say "No" to your children sometimes and to limit their involvement in activities. No matter how many other opportunities arose for any member of their family, she remembered, "We always ate dinner together and we always said the rosary together." According to Reuteman, these simple traditions are too easily compromised in society these days.
Maybe it's because society has become this fast-paced, frenzied life with hundreds of television channels, telephones with multiple lines and call-waiting, fax machines, e-mail, overnight mail, Internet access, billboards, magazines, newspapers, and radio, which unremittingly beckon to all. Perhaps it's the expanded mall hours, sporting events, or weekend work schedules that are competing for time and attention. Whatever the reason, more and more families are finding it difficult to honor the third commandment in the traditional way.
For the Doyle family, however, it is not the fast-paced life that keeps them from honoring the Sabbath as a family. It's the weekend work schedule. Tom Doyle, a circulation supervisor for Marquette University Memorial Library, works second shift Monday through Wednesday. His off days are Thursday and Friday, and on Saturday and Sunday he works first shift. His wife, MaryBeth McBride-Doyle, teaches theology to students at Marquette University High School during the week. Unfortunately, this means that on Sundays, MaryBeth attends Mass with their four children, Nora, 14, Flannery, 12, Seamus, 8, and John, 2, without Tom. He attends an earlier Mass before work.
While they would prefer to attend Mass together as a family, Tom's work schedule reflects a choice for their family. They consciously chose to work opposite shifts, so that one of the parents would always be home with the children not in school. The Doyles believe this unusual work schedule integrates their Christian faith into their own present day reality, since it is financially necessary for both of them to work.
But, they acknowledge, this lifestyle choice involves sacrificing the opportunity to worship in church together on Sunday. They try to offset that with other traditions which reflect the importance of remembering to keep the Sabbath holy. Tom remarked, "On Sundays, we always try to eat dinner together as a family. And during Advent, we combine dinner with prayers and songs around the Advent wreath. And during Lent, we say a decade of the rosary. The kids really look forward to it." The Doyles believe that making time for these traditions is an opportunity to "pass on" their Christian faith to their children.
Jerry and Linda Ristow-Danks, along with their two daughters, Renata, 9, and Martha, 7, try to keep the Sabbath holy by slowing down and resting. "We remind ourselves to enjoy our family and to do activities that we enjoy doing. We read, garden, go for walks, and have people over for dinner." They try not to do housework, in or outside of the house, or run errands on Sundays.
According to Linda, "We're not using Sunday as 'catch-up' time. We've come to recognize the need for more family play time in our life." And since they have tried to incorporate that into their Sunday tradition, even their daughters will hold them accountable. Linda remembered one Sunday when Martha said, "Let's just stay home and not go away."
Wayne Muller echoes this sentiment in his book, "Sabbath: Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest." "If we forget to rest," Muller writes, "we will work too hard and forget our more tender mercies, forget those we love, forget our children and our natural wonder.... God says, Please don't. It is a waste of a tremendous gift I have given you ... so I have given you this commandment: Remember to rest. This is not a lifestyle suggestion, but a commandment as important as not stealing, not murdering, or not lying. Remember to play and bless and eat with those you love, and take comfort, easy and long, in this gift of sacred rest."
If we don't take time to honor the Sabbath, all time seems the same. In Exodus 20:11, it is written, "In six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them; but on the seventh day he rested. That is why the Lord has blessed the sabbath day and made it holy."
By making ourselves physically stop: stop rushing, stop working, stop spending money, just stop, we replace our secular glasses with a pair of sacred glasses. We come to realize that nothing of any measurable value will get done. Instead the significant value of the Sabbath becomes a state of mind whereby we delight in our relationships with others and God and give thanks for the many blessings in our lives.
(Kornburger, a mother of three young children, is a member of St. Catherine Parish, Milwaukee.)
By Patricia Lorenz
One of my favorite quotes, the one that's taped to my kitchen cabinet, says: "You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing, and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life." J. Krishnamurti (East Indian speaker, author, educator 1895-1986.)
That quote gives me hope. The word suffer is the word that comforts me the most. It reminds me that the scary parts of life, the uncertainties, failures, fears, death, divorce and disease are merely parts of life, stuck in there just like they belong, along with all the joyful, fun, fabulous things. It reminds me to embrace my struggles because they make me strong, give me character and make me more interesting.
But enough about suffering and struggles. In an effort to focus on the singing, dancing and writing part of Krishnamurti's quote, I made a list of some of the best, most joyful parts of my life.
Best day: Aug. 12, 1995. That was the day my daughter Jeanne, her boyfriend Canyon, my son Andrew and I rented ocean kayaks near Kealakekua Bay on the big island of Hawaii and spent the day kayaking, snorkeling and swimming in the warm Pacific Ocean and then picnicked on the lava rocks. At the end of the day, as we kayaked back across the bay, we were dazzled by at least 80 dolphins who jumped, flipped and performed all around our two kayaks. That God moment left us all speechless.
Best communication: The Father's Day card my daughter Jeanne made for me one year and the note that thanked me for being both a mother and a father to her.
Best gift: The unexpected fresh spring flowers that arrived during a very low point in my life from Barbara McLeod in Cheyenne, Wyo. Barbara, who died last year, was a fan-turned-friend, who, although she was 30 years my senior, was also a single parent of four and just seemed to see right into my soul. The card with the flowers said, "I just had a feeling that you needed these today." Boy, did I.
Most memorable: The wooden cross at the top of the "Eagle's Nest," Adolph Hitler's mountain retreat, which is surrounded by the breathtaking beauty of the Austrian Alps. To know that the cross of Christ has emerged victorious at the former retreat of such a despicable character etched that view and that cross in my memory forever.
Most educational:Visiting any art museum with my daughter, Jeanne, who was taught by and heard lectures from many famous living artists when she was getting her master's degree in art. Having my own private tutor during art museum visits is the best education I've ever experienced.
Best food: Without a doubt, the chocolate chip cookies my daughter Julia makes. Years ago, the poor child made the mistake of giving me a glass jar filled with her special cookies, decorated with a label that says, "Return jar for refill anytime." And believe me, I have taken advantage of that label every time I see Julia.
Proudest moment: Watching my son Michael climb the ladder to the director's platform at Camp Randall stadium, raise his baton and direct the University of Wisconsin marching band as they play the "Star Spangled Banner" before a crowd of 70,000 excited football fans.
Greatest relief: The words, "Everything went as planned. He's going to be just fine," after my son Andrew's three-hour, major organ-removal surgery. That moment felt like the air hissing out of a balloon sailing joyfully around the room as my spirit returned in full force.
Best exercise: Granted, bike riding, fast-walking, hiking or in-line skating are more fun, but the best exercise for me is the four hours it takes me to mow the 16,500 square feet of my lawn, only because once I get the dreaded job done, I have such a marvelous feeling of accomplishment.
What are the best, the most, the greatest events in your life? Somehow, when we concentrate on the really good, memorable moments in our life, we begin to strive for more of them. I even like thinking up new categories. Make your own list and fill it out. You'll be surprised how it helps you handle things when those pesky suffering elements wiggle their way into your life.
(Lorenz makes her living as a writer and a speaker. For speaking engagements you may e-mail her at <patricialorenz@juno.com>)
James Pankratz - Special to Parenting
This is fiction but not untrue.
We ask your help in finding the author of the following, found near a nursing home in your city. "Something has happened to me. Something terrifying. Something I can't explain. Even now as I try to write this, I must pause after a few words to bring my trembling hand under control.
"It all started almost 20 years ago. At the time it seemed insignificant, although I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was a hot July day. I was riding in the backseat of a car being driven by my son-in-law. We were on our way to the lake to pick up the grandkids. I noticed that the car had stopped. My son-in-law was staring at a detour sign, trying to decide which way to go.
"I knew this area well from childhood. 'Make a left here,' I told him. 'You'll pick up County J up ahead by that silo.' He said nothing. He just kept staring straight ahead. Then he turned right. Half an hour later we found ourselves in the middle of nowhere. He didn't apologize or ask for my help.
"The year before I had retired as an engineer from a major corporation. I wasn't used to having my opinions ignored. Not yet anyway.
"After that incident things continued largely as they always had ... the bad mixed in with the good. However, I began to notice little slips. It seemed harder to remember things. I felt reassured after reading a study that pointed out that significant memory loss does not usually start until after 80, and then for less than half of the population.
"But something was different. I am a friendly person. For example, when I go to the bank to cash a check, I like to make small talk with the teller. I noticed that she seemed impatient, wanting me to hurry up, even thought the bank wasn't busy. And she didn't even look at me.
"I had hit on it. That was the difference. Fewer and fewer people were making eye contact with me. I suddenly got the idea that I could slip in amid a large group of people and remain undetected.
"I still don't know what made me try it, since I am usually a reserved and cautious person. But I decided to run a little experiment. One day I showed up at choir practice wearing orange slacks and a polka dot shirt. No one blinked an eye. I decided to up the ante. The next time I wore a "Vote for Nixon" T-shirt. No one mentioned it. It was as if no one saw me anymore.
"That night I woke up in a cold sweat. I got up and looked in the bathroom mirror. I saw what I expected ... grey and white hair, a lined face, crooked posture. It was then that the full realization hit me like a lightning bolt. I wasn't exactly invisible yet, but I was fading! As the newspaper print was growing blurry to me, I was becoming a blur myself. I was like a ghostly figure in an old black-and-white movie.
"There were incidents that confirmed I was still partially visible. Like the time when I was trying to pry open the child-resistant cap from my prescription bottle, and my blood pressure pills exploded all over the floor. My daughter shook her head in disgust and said 'Why can't you be more careful? Why didn't you let me do that for you?' She scooped up the pills, quickly cleaned up the kitchen, and said 'I gotta go.'
"I began living with a gnawing feeling of quiet desperation. Someday I will be completely invisible. Then what? I decided to speak up more at family gatherings. Sometimes people nodded politely or smiled condescendingly in my direction, then continued their conversation or card game. They weren't interested in what I had to say. No one asked for my opinion or advice anymore, even though by now I had eight decades of experience to draw on.
"I grew depressed. I started to drink. I was often irritable and complained loudly about everything, because I felt so miserable inside. This got me noticed. My children whispered about me when they thought I was out of earshot. During one of my brief appearances, they told me what the plan for me was going to be.
"When I first arrived at the nursing home, I actually saw all of the other people who had become invisible like me. Obviously no one knew we were there, because no one came to visit us. Nurses and aides talked about us right in front of us. They were annoyed with our deteriorating bodily functions. I realized the paradox. Even though we weren't there, they wanted us to do something about the problem we had involuntarily created.
"Sometimes we invisibles are positioned in front of a television in a large room. I know we are invisible because sometimes there is literally nothing on TV, nothing other than the white noise coming from the set. I wonder if we are being slowly absorbed into the still, white snow in front of us. I hope someone finds this in time."
If you know people who fit this description, go to see them as soon as possible. Ask them to tell you about themselves. Your listening may reverse the process.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist in Catholic Charities' Milwaukee regional office.)
Copyright, 1997 by Catholic Herald, Milwaukee, WI
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