Serving the people of the Archdiocese of Milwaukee
By Kathy Amidei - Special to Parenting
"What are you doing, Mom?" Maura asked.
"Sending invitations for dinner to celebrate Dan's confirmation."
"We're having a party?" Maura's tone changed from quietly curious to a little excited.
"Not really a party, just a little get-together with a few relatives, friends and, of course, Dan's sponsor ... to let Daniel know how important we think this day is."
"Cool!" my 10-year-old daughter concluded.
Not one to miss a "teachable moment," I prodded Maura, "So what do you know about confirmation?"
"Oil," she responded succinctly. "And a sponsor." Tiring of the conversation, she kissed me and went off to play.
As a religious educator I wondered how parents would describe confirmation to younger offspring. With sacraments we don't experience frequently, we know bits and pieces of what is done, but we might not put that information into context.
Confirmation must be understood as a sacrament of initiation. The other two are baptism and Eucharist. We need to understand how confirmation relates to the other sacraments of initiation, especially how it connects to baptism.
Baptism is the sacrament of new life, the sacred ancient ritual that celebrates that we are each a child of God. For most parents there is no discovery comparable to the moment a pregnancy ends and a child is born. We knew something unbelievable and incredible was developing inside of the mother but what could prepare us for the "love-at-first-sight moment," when we hear the sound of our newborn's cry, or touch the velvet, silky skin of those tiny grasping fingers? Could we even have imagined the powerful bond created by the initial gazes into our child's eyes?
Baptism asks us to extend that wonderment and vision a little farther. As incredible as that human life is, there is more. There is a life, a love we are capable of connecting with, that belongs to God. That life is eternal and that love is boundless.
The church as a community existing to nurture that love of God in each of us pledges at baptism to be with us, to support us, encourage us, and teach us. The church declares itself family to our children, offering its 2000-year tradition of wisdom and ritual and living community to journey with us through this life and to prepare us for eternal life with God.
Confirmation continues to affirm that promise, and the child, now old enough to speak for him or herself, can confirm his or her desire to belong and be committed to this Catholic Christian community.
The oil that Maura mentioned is the Chrism, or oil mixed with perfume that is consecrated by the bishop for use in baptisms, confirmations, ordinations, and the blessings of altars. When her brother is confirmed, the bishop or appointed priest will make a sign of the cross on his forehead with this holy oil. The priest will also lay his hands on Daniel's head and pray that God (Holy Spirit) will come to him in a special way.
Originally confirmation and baptism were not separate rituals. In the earliest church, baptism followed a long process in which adults became full members of the church. As Christianity became legalized with the Edict of Milan in 313 A.D., issued by Emperor Constantine, the political danger of declaring oneself Christian diminished. As it did, the period of preparation for baptism declined as well.
In the following century baptismal theology became associated with the cleansing of the soul and the forgiveness of sins. So baptism was celebrated later, closer to the death of a person and the "Chrismation" or anointing with the holy oil of Chrism by the bishop was omitted. If, however, a person did not die, these individuals were sent to the bishop for a separate ritual of laying on of hands and anointing the forehead. By the fifth century, the church had developed the Rite of Confirmation separate from the Rite of Baptism. Confirmation began to take on the identity of the sacrament that completes baptism.
This background puts the connection of confirmation and baptism and the historical reasons for the separate rites into context. Adults coming into the church, however, now through the process of RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) will be confirmed and receive Eucharist at the time of their baptism, usually during the Easter Vigil on Holy Saturday.
In the Milwaukee Archdiocese, the sacrament of confirmation is celebrated after age 16. In some dioceses, confirmation is administered sooner, even in eighth grade.
What as parents are our responsibilities in this significant event of our child's life?
First, remember that baptism is a commitment to a way of life. Our youngster's baptism is a promise to nurture the spiritual life of our child and a promise to God to conscientiously raise him or her in the rich tradition of the Catholic faith.
This is no small promise and commitment. It takes lots of energy and it takes more than good intentions; it takes clear vision and hard work.
On a recent parish retreat one of our confirmed young men spoke to confirmation candidates, encouraging them not to neglect their religious or spiritual development. He likened religious development to their bones, and spiritual development, to the flesh over their bones. The bone, the religion, gives their life durable structure. The flesh comes from the spiritual practice of their faith, the human living experience of that religion.
Maybe that's a helpful image for us as parents on the journey from baptism to confirmation. We need to build the strong structure of religious tradition and to nurture the living expression of it by prayer and action.
While the Holy Spirit becomes part of our life at baptism, confirmation is an opportunity to recognize, accept and believe more deeply in the gifts of the Holy Spirit: wisdom, understanding, knowledge, right judgment, courage, reverence and wonder and awe in God's presence, in their lives. In the latter part of their high school years, adolescents develop an ability to comprehend this kind of experience of God more deeply.
As parents we should honestly ask ourselves: Do we cultivate the spiritual and religious lives of our children with the same energy we nurture our children's athletic, artistic, musical or academic lives? The years will go by in the wink of an eye between our children's baptism and the day of their confirmation. Our children learn from us in those years what is important. Will we have prepared them to recognize and receive the grace of God's presence when they receive confirmation.
Confirmation, in modern times, is a great gift to us parents. We raise our children in a culture that offers us few worthy markers of maturity that echo the values of the Gospel. Sacrificing for the good of others, peacemaking over winning, forgiving over "getting the edge in life," and loving as the most precious gift in life are not great themes in our culture. These aren't the values the media blare to our children.
But our church offers this sacred ritual and meaningful process of preparation to mark some special point of maturation on that journey, when, as the teens of our parish put it, "our parents stop carrying us and we follow Jesus with our own two feet." The sacraments are offerings, signs that we are blessed with God's love along that journey.
Some time ago, I attended a confirmation ceremony. I hadn't thought much about the sacrament since I was confirmed in eighth grade. I heard Bishop Richard J. Sklba talk about the properties of oil. Oil, rubbed into things like leather, strengthens it, he said. It makes it supple and able to bend. I never forgot that as my own children entered the roller coaster ride of growing up. God's grace will strengthen us to thrive and survive the ride.
During the confirmation ceremony the bishop or priest says, "Be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit." The symbolic action of anointing with oil is rooted in the stories of Hebrew Scripture: to anoint, to be consecrated, to be set apart for a special mission. The anointing with the Chrism brings that whole heritage into a moment of our children's lives between their childhood and their emergence as independent young adults.
I am grateful for a church that gives Daniel the strength of these deep roots and this noble purpose to go forth and bring Christ to the world. It has been our church that guided Daniel and me on a path that is rooted in values bigger than we are. The gift is wrapped in the story of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit present today.
I thank God for this and for the faith passed down in meaningful ritual, in a living tradition strong as deeply oiled leather.
(Amidei is director of religious education and youth ministry at St. Anthony on the Lake Parish, Pewaukee.)
Last month's Catholic Herald Parenting asked readers to share their views or experiences of children and Mass. Following are a sampling of the responses we received.
I would like to share something that happened several years ago at SS. Cyril and Methodius Church on the near south side of Milwaukee.
A young couple came into church with their little 3-year-old daughter. The little one was very active and quite noisy. She just could not keep quiet. Her parents were having such a hard time with this little tot. Right before the homily, the mother handed her daughter her rosary. As the priest got up to do the homily, the church became very quiet. The little daughter stood up on the kneeler, looked at the rosary and swung the rosary around and around. And then in a very loud voice she said, "Hang on Jesus, you are going for a ride."
The congregation burst out laughing and the poor parents were so very red-faced and embarrassed.
Geri Daniels Reiman - Milwaukee
Just wanted to let you know how we solved the problem for our family - we sat in the front pew of church, so the children could see what was going on - it helped their attention span and kept them interested in what was going on! Also, the two of us sitting between the talkers and the squirmers helped keep things on an even keel!
Annie Treloar
I remember when my children were that young. They for sure went to church every Sunday, no question. If they misbehaved, they went out for a time out and we brought them back in.
I found it interesting when I read that when the children go out for the children's liturgy, half the church is gone. That is about the way it is at my church.
It fills my heart with love when I see the parents bring their children to church. I know so many who do not. Suffer the little children to come unto me.
Of course children belong in church. A crying room is good, but a crying child should not disturb others.
We taught our children this is Jesus' house, and "we should be quiet while we are here."
Pam Bauman Swanson - Lyons
First my story: A few weeks ago while at Mass at Our Lady of Good Hope Parish, Milwaukee, we had a very active little boy, probably around the age of 18 to 24 months, in our midst. I don't think he sat down for more than a brief moment. In the middle of Mass this little guy decided that it would be great fun to drop and roll down the aisle. No one seemed to be distracted by this activity. When the father went to retrieve his son he would scream and kick and yell. But, let the boy do what he wanted, then he was happy as a clam and really not bothering anyone.
What we do with our 2-year-old before and during church: My son loves to point out churches when we are out in the car. We constantly reinforce the fact that a church is God's house and you need to be quiet and listen to the priest and pray. So, when he sees a church he will announce that that is God's house and Hunter needs to be quiet and pray.
At Mass he's acts a little differently. Usually he's pretty well behaved. But sometimes, like most 2-years-olds, he gets a little antsy. My husband and I take two cars to church just in case he is truly out of control, and it would be better that one of us takes him home. We do bring a supply of Goldfish crackers and juice, which also helps.
Our Lady of Good Hope hands out children's worksheets for the kids before the readings begins. This also keeps them entertained. Hunter loves to say "Amen" so, if you are at Mass at Our Lady of Good Hope and hear a little voice saying "Amen" after everyone else has said "Amen," that will be my son. As we leave Mass, Hunter is so proud of himself that he says: "Hunter was a good boy in church, Hunter says amen!"
Kim Windsor - Glendale
As a father of three children (ages 10, 9 and 2) the issue of children in church is one that I deal with all the time. To be succinct, my belief is simply that before the age of 5 there is little meaningful benefit that children gain by being present during Mass. Further, the distractions to others at Mass is an inconvenience that should be avoided. More than likely, the parents of the youngsters would enjoy and get more out of Mass without the distractions. I know that is the case for me. Having stated this, I think it is also very important that children are given an example of regular Sunday worship beginning at an early age (say 2-3).
The question then is how to accomplish this. One avenue is to have a child care ministry that is an integral part of the parish ministries and available for Saturday/Sunday worship. I was blessed to belong to a parish that had just this. Volunteers gave of their time and talents in organizing, coordinating, supervising and providing a spiritual child care experience for the children. Typically, if you were a user of child care you also donated time each month to serve in the facility (an easy thing to do quite frankly). Age-appropriate activities were developed that were tied into the theme of the Mass/readings for that particular weekend. It was all very organized and professional.
The result of this was a win-win for all - no disruptions for those without children, time for the parents to focus without the distractions of parenting, and age-appropriate activities for the children. More young families attended Mass (and together!) and began establishing a Sunday worship ritual because they simply were able to do so.
Because of the success of the child care ministry it was expanded so that parents could attend activities at the parish together (i.e., common meeting nights, committee meetings, prayer and worship groups, adult education, etc.) during the week. The result was that more people participated in these events and husbands and wives were able to participate together. What a great way to create and foster community!
Russell Kohl - Menomonee Falls
I would just like to say that children should always be welcome at Mass. They should not be expected to be quiet at all times, because at times there is singing and reciting of prayers. Children should not be taught that church is a place where you have to be absolutely quiet and sit still the entire time. They should be taught it is a wonderful place to sing and praise God for all the blessings he has given them. I have always taught my children what times are appropriate for talking or singing, and when it is time to be quiet. Often, something as simple as a box of crayons and paper is enough to keep the child's attention during quiet times such as the homily.
Most considerate people take a crying baby or noisy toddler out of Mass if he or she is noticeably disturbing others. As a mother of two children, I've seen and heard it all when bringing my children to church - from a truly rude person telling me children don't belong at Mass, to dirty looks and the whispering of derogatory comments. Parents should not be left to choose between a noisy, out of the way "cry room" or not attending Mass at all. And that is how some people think you should deal with families with children at Mass. Children do not learn about the Mass (and parents cannot hear the Mass either) if they are in a "cry room" with a bunch of other children.
My now 6-year-old daughter knows many prayers said during Mass and participates because we taught her what it means to be in God's house and how to behave during Mass. She says the prayers and sings louder than most of the adults around us. Our 3-year-old is catching on, but still prefers to color and look at books most of the time. We find it helpful talking to our children shortly before Mass, explaining appropriate behavior and consequences of inappropriate behavior.
The following has worked for us at different developmental stages:
We believe many young people are missing in church not because they have "better things to do," but because they were not taught the importance of participating in Mass and the blessings of receiving Communion. Parents need to seize every opportunity to teach their children about their faith, and how it can make a difference in their own family and the community in which they live.
In concluding, I hope people who are under the impression that children don't belong in church will remember that they, too, were children once. If their parents had stayed home until they were old enough to "behave" without making a peep, they would not have the strong Catholic faith they have now. Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me," and that is what we intend to do. Our Catholic faith is the one of the most valuable and precious gifts we have. It is a blessing, and we will pass it on to our children with great joy.
Kristine Bartz - Kenosha
Children definitely belong in church. It is a well-known fact that children thrive on routines. It is important for them to learn early on that church is an important part of their weekly routine.
Children need to see and be a part of a congregation that shares in the same beliefs. Children can benefit from the socialization that takes part before and after Mass. Children learn what they live and if church is not a part of their regular routine they will be missing out on a special learning opportunity.
Just for the heck of it I asked my 10-year-old son Thomas if he thought is was important to go to church on a regular basis and why. His answer was: "God does not ask much of us. The least we can do is give him an hour of our time once a week. We should go to Mass to celebrate all that God has blessed us with."
My 6-year-old Jonathan said: "We need to go to church to pray, that makes God happy."
As a working mother I often find it difficult to find quality time for praying. Life is so busy, I have learned to say my prayers on the way to work but am often distracted. I share this concern with my children and tell them that Sunday Mass is quality time with God.
I'll be the first to admit that fussing and crying children are a distraction but, in today's busy life style we need every opportunity to catch a moment to spend with God. Going to church becomes a routine. If children are brought to church on a regular basis they will learn that behaving in church is an expectation that goes along with the routine of going to church.
I think that crying rooms are a good idea when first introducing your children to the church atmosphere. As the kids get older and are capable of exerting some self-control they should be weaned out of the crying room.
I know that it is difficult for them to sit for that hour however, many things in life are difficult and I think that this is a good opportunity for them to learn that self-control is something we all must deal with sometimes. To this day my kids will often ask "How many more minutes till church is over?"
There are many things to look at in church - why not make it a game for them. Have them study or look for things in the stained glass windows, or perhaps count how many crosses there are.
No one ever said that raising children would be an easy task. I can say from firsthand experience that bringing my children to church at an early age was often a trying experience. I can now say that I am glad I did it.
Diane Coolidge - West Allis
Local authors Paul S. Plum and Joan E. Plum have collaborated on a series of activity books for young children to help them learn more about their faith, the life of Jesus, and the Catholic Mass. The books, "Teach Me About the Life of Jesus," "Teach Me About God's Creation," and "Teach Me About The Mass," published by Our Sunday Visitor, include a variety of activities, such as connecting the dots, mazes, assembling, tracing and matching. According to the authors, the books are designed so that parents can work with their children to complete the activities and help the children "develop their Christian faith in these critical early childhood years."
The authors also write, "Developing a friendship with Jesus serves children as a springboard for learning more about our faith and for acquiring Christian attitudes and actions in relating to others."
The books have received a "nihil obstat" from Fr. Richard C. Breitbach and an imprimatur from Archbishop Rembert G. Weakland. The 24-page books are $3.95 each and are available from Our Sunday Visitor, (800) 348-2440.
By Patricia Lorenz
About once a week I get a chance to watch Oprah. I especially like her show when Phillip McGraw, a psychologist who specializes in helping people fix broken relationships, is on.
Not long ago McGraw addressed the question: What happens to your physical health when the relationship with your spouse or partner is rocky? The couples on the show were all having problems. Most of the men thought simple logistics was the reason they weren't getting along with their wives. Both spouses were working, everyone in the family had too many activities, and there was simply no way for the couples to spend quality time together.
The wives, on the other hand, were feeling lonely, isolated, and emotionally spent. They didn't see any way out from their hollow-core lives.
McGraw asked the audience 20 questions to help them determine if the stress in their marriages was bad enough to cause a deterioration of their physical health.
McGraw explained that if you answered yes to four or fewer of the questions, your relationship is in good shape and your physical health is probably not in jeopardy. If you answered yes to 5-10, your relationship may put you at moderate risk for physical health problems.
Yes to 11-15 questions indicates high stress that may be cause for alarm when it comes to your physical health. If you answered yes to 16 or more questions you are at extremely high risk for physical complications to the point where you could contract a serious disease within the next 12 months if you don't fix or end the relationship.
It's interesting that of all the couples interviewed who had taken the test, the men's scores were nearly all lower than the women's, indicating that women have more stress in their lives and are more unhappy with their relationships than their partners.
The point is that mind, body and soul are linked together. If one is out of whack, they're all out of whack. It's no surprise that it's often the angry, high-stressed, type-A personalities who have the heart attacks.
If emotional problems can make us sick physically, then it stands to reason that good vibes and happiness in the home can heal us emotionally and physically. In the 1960s Norman Cousins, who later wrote "Anatomy of an Illness," was suffering from a painful, life-threatening, degenerative disease. Because he insisted on managing his own care he made some startling discoveries about the link between mind and body.
First of all, Cousins had his doctors take a blood sample. Then he thought of something positive for five minutes. Then they took his blood again. After five minutes every one of his different types of immune cells had increased in number and activity by at least 50 percent.
Then Cousins learned that 10 minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect that gave him two hours of pain-free sleep. Within days he was completely off drugs and sleeping pills as his laughter routine continued in full force. Without the laughter, he had to be on a constant dosage of powerful pain killing drugs. His body was eventually able to heal itself, and he lived 26 more years.
What Cousins taught us is that if we can heal physical disease with a positive, happy attitude, imagine what an unhappy, miserable, stressed-out, loveless relationship can do to your physical health.
Are you willing to compromise and put balance back in your life with your partner? Are you willing to put aside some of your activities so you have more time for your spouse or loved ones? Are you willing to do what it takes to be happy so you can protect your health? Remember, we're not here to make a living. We're here to make a life. A healthy life.
(Lorenz, the mother of four grown children and five grandchildren, writes and lives in Oak Creek.)
James Pankratz - Special to Parenting
If your child came to you with a problem, what would you give her? A placebo? Of course not. A placebo looks like a pill, tastes like a pill, but it isn't a pill. It is not technically medicine since it contains no active ingredients. A placebo is often made up of sugar. It is a fake.
But placebos work. There is something about a placebo that facilitates healing. This is the finding in the article "The Placebo Prescription" by Margaret Talbot which appeared in the Jan. 9 edition of The New York Times Magazine.
Parents often try to help their children heal from emotional and physical wounds. This article does not advocate giving placebos to children. But is there something about the "placebo effect," the healing effect, that could be adopted by parents?
What were the amazing discoveries that Talbot covered in her article?
Placebos are used in "so-called double-blind studies of new drugs, in which neither the subjects nor the researchers know who is getting what. If as many subjects improve by taking the placebo as do by taking the active drug, then the active drug is thought to be a bust." Talbot cited three double-blind studies of medications for allergies, heart, and depression in which the medicine failed to outperform the placebo. In one of the studies, the placebo "actually performed better."
Talbot wrote: "The truth is that the placebo effect is huge - anywhere between 35 and 75 percent of patients benefit from taking a dummy pill in studies of new drugs." She cited a Harvard researcher who "concluded that between 30 and 40 percent of any treated group would respond to a placebo." Other studies indicate the improvement rate is even higher. They put the positive response rate at 50 or 60 percent for certain conditions - "pain, depression, some heart ailments, gastric ulcers and other stomach complaints."
These findings seem to turn the logic of Western medicine on its head. Millions of dollars go into the development of new and better medications, yet anyone can buy a bag of M&M's for less than a dollar. What is the power at work here?
In the final third of her article, Talbot made this key observation: "If you get too fixated on the ritual of swallowing a pill, you miss the larger meaning of the placebo effect. The larger meaning has to do with the empathic attention" given to the patient. She cited data which suggest that "the emotional alliance" between caregiver and patient is "a therapeutic force ... that a compassionate and optimistic (caregiver) ... can be ... a walking placebo."
She reported a remarkable study in which an anesthetist visited his patients the night before their surgery. The first group he treated in a "brusque, offhand manner" while with the second group he was "warm and sympathetic." The conclusion: "Those in the second group ended up requiring only half the amount of pain-killing medication and were discharged an average of 2.6 days earlier."
Talbot summarized the power of the placebo effect: "Placebos may work because they create the pretext for a doctor or a doctor surrogate to listen carefully to our troubles and to pay us a close and committed and hopeful attention." And what better "close" and "committed" "doctor surrogate" can there be than a parent?
Of course, I am not suggesting a parent's empathy can cure an ear infection, flu, or physical conditions and permanent disabilities. But attentive listening and an empathic response can at least ease a child's emotional distress related to a problem. The problem may remain but the parent's attitude may be effective in changing the child's attitude about the problem. And in that there is healing.
For example, children everywhere know that for unknown reasons big, green-eyed furry monsters like to sneak into their closets after dark. Children have been reporting this phenomenon to parents, usually around 1:30 in the morning, for decades. According to Western logic, the appropriate response is to 1.) Provide the children with the information that no such species has yet been discovered and 2.) Recommend that the children forget about it and return to sleep immediately, since they have a big day ahead of them tomorrow. This procedure produces the same result every time: a crying or screaming child who won't look at the closet. "When they come to get me, at least I don't have to watch."
Suppose mom or dad defied Western logic and said 1.) "I can tell you're really scared." and 2.) "What can we do to defeat the monsters?" Children also have known for decades that monsters can be vanquished by constructing a proton-boosted-tricon-linked-creepything-blaster. I learned this from my children when they were small. Mom and dad helped them build the contraption, and aimed it at the closet at bedtime.
It worked pretty well. I must admit that a few monsters did get out of the closet, but the kids managed to stop them with their second line of defense: turning on the light. You may want to know how to build a proton-boosted-tricon-linked-creepything-blaster. You need a cardboard box, the long, cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels, crayons, tape and the listening ear and reassuring words of a parent. That's the placebo effect.
(Pankratz is a marriage and family counselor at Catholic Charities' Milwaukee
regional office.)
Copyright, 1997 by Catholic Herald, Milwaukee, WI
USA
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