Serving the people of the Archdiocese of Milwaukee
Charting your way to Smart Discipline
Therapist guarantees his method produces well-behaved, well-adjusted children
Maryangela Layman Román - Parenting Staff
RACINE - Imagine being able to put an end to bickering between your children - forever. Getting them to do what you ask on the first request, rather than the 18th. How about clean bedrooms, kept tidy by the inhabitants, or being able to have a phone conversation without interruption.
Sound too good to be true? You can have all that and more, according to Larry Koenig, family therapist who founded the Up With Youth Company in 1985, one of the pioneering organizations devoted to enhancing self-esteem in young people. Koenig has authored books and workshops on disciplining children and writes parenting advice columns for newspapers and magazines.
Sounding at times like a salesperson hawking "the wondermop," Koenig promised his audience of nearly 900 at Festival Hall on Tuesday, Oct. 6, that his system of "smart discipline" offers proven techniques that lead to cooperative children. The seminar was sponsored by All Saints Behavioral Health Service, Racine.
His enthusiasm for his system, however, doesn't overshadow its common-sense approach to disciplining children.
Smart Discipline patterns adult society, explained Koenig, a native of Boscobel, Wis., who now, along with his wife and five children, lives in Baton Rouge, La.
Society has written rules - laws - and if they are broken, consequences result, he said.
"We have to have the rules written down, because if not, we would be forever arguing over what rules are," he said.
Noting that his discipline system is geared toward children ages 4 to 17, Koenig said the first step in implementing it is to write down a list of rules.
While there might be hundreds of rules parents would like to see enforced, Koenig recommended focusing on a small number to start. For the 4- to 8-year-old crowd, focus on five; while the older children can cope with up to 10 things.
Using his family as an example, Koenig said the first rule on the list read, "Disrespectful language is not allowed." Television today sends the message that it is perfectly all right to be disrespectful to others, even authority figures, he noted.
"Disrespect between teachers and students is being used as comedy," he said. "It teaches kids it is perfectly OK to be disrespectful of people in their lives. The tragedy here is every time they are allowed to be disrespectful, they lose just a little bit of respect for people and lose a little respect for themselves as well."
Koenig noted that disrespect goes beyond verbal slurs. Body language can be disrespectful as well.
Koenig noted, tongue in cheek, that when children get to junior high school, parents look back on the "terrible twos" as the "good old days."
In junior high school, youth begin attending seminars of their own, he noted. When they go to Friday night football games, for example, they are in seminar. They are so desperate to go to malls, he added, because at the mall, the seminars are free.
In their own seminars, the youth learn:
The Koenig family's second rule stated chores must be completed by 6 p.m.
Rule No. 3 was developed out of self defense, noted Koenig. It read, "Homework must be done by 9 p.m." Prior to implementation, Koenig said it was conceivable that after bedtime he would be awakened by a child pleading with him to go out and get a piece of white cardboard for a school project due the next day.
Rule four read, "No fighting or bickering," and No. 5 mandated that children "must do as they are asked the first time."
Once the rules are in place, Koenig directed his audience to create a list of privileges important to children. He suggested consulting the children to determine the priority they place upon them.
"They're going to have some consequences. Either they follow the rules or you're going to take away privileges. It's a pretty simple system to follow - except for our president," deadpanned Koenig.
Returning to a serious note, he said parents run a real risk if they teach their kids they can act with impunity because there are no consequences for their actions.
For young children, privileges might include eating a snack, playing with a favorite toy, or going outside to play with friends. Older children might view studying with friends, driving the car, participating in extra-curricular activities or surfing the Internet as privileges.
Once the rules and privileges have been determined, Koenig said the next step is to create a chart on a piece of paper.
Rank the privileges one to five, with five being the most important. Each of the rules should be listed. Koenig's system allows for three to five free spaces.
Once created, call a family meeting, he instructed, warning that children 10 and younger will respond more positively to the system than will older children.
The charts should be displayed on the refrigerator and if a rule is broken, a parent should place an X in the appropriate box. Because the system has several free spaces, a privilege is not removed immediately. But when the free spaces are filled, disobedient actions will lead to the elimination of privileges.
The system will be pretty much ignored the first few days, predicted Koenig.
But when Sara asks to go to a party, or out for pizza and bowling with her friends on the weekend, she must be reminded of the new system.
She'll be told, "Sure you can go, but you've got to have your weekend privileges and you've already got five Xs on the chart," he said.
According to Koenig, the system will work better if several guidelines are followed:
In time, the system will work automatically and one's home will become more peaceful, predicted Koenig.
Every parent wants his or her child to grow up with high self-esteem and the knowledge they will lead a happy, successful life, he said.
To help this become reality, Koenig reminded parents to instill in their children positive attitudes and beliefs.
If when describing the child to an acquaintance in the child's presence, the parent describes the child in positive terms, the child will feel positive about himself or herself.
But if the child is labeled a "troublemaker" or failure in school, the child will draw negative conclusions.
Koenig warned parents to avoid a parenting technique of years' past that encouraged parents to point out their children's faults, expecting they will then correct them.
"Criticism is the No. 1 strategy we use to get people to change," he said. "It's incredible. We know how much we hate it when someone is in our face criticizing us.
"Criticism destroys relationships," he noted, adding, "We will not stay in a positive relationship with someone who criticizes us. Rather we will dig in our heels and refuse to cooperate."
In fact criticism leads to broken relationships, he said, pointing to what he called millions of parent-teen relationships that have been shattered as a result of criticism.
"We can never get to the positive through the negative," he said. "Play on the positive. If I look for it, I will find it."
Koenig concluded his talk by reminding parents they have a deep center of abiding love for their children.
"In moments of exasperation, reach down for something extra so you, too, can (show) that deep center of abiding love."
Church calendar, not fashion, dictates colors of priestly vestments
Eugene C. Horn - Parenting Staff
Have you noticed that the priest at Mass might wear green vestments on one Sunday, and red, violet or white on another?
He doesn't choose those colors on whim or based on what goes well with his complexion. The colors of vestments are selected according to the church calendar.
The church calendar? Is that different from the regular calendar we all know which starts in January and ends in December?
Yes, the calendar of the church is a year-long orderly grouping of liturgical seasons or periods, commemorations of mysteries, and celebrations of saints. It's all for the purpose of worship.
The church year officially begins with the first Sunday of Advent, which usually falls either on the last Sunday of November or first Sunday of December, and ends a year later on the Saturday before this Sunday.
However, the highlight of the calendar is the celebration of the Easter Triduum, beginning with the Holy Thursday Mass of the Lord's Supper and ending (ideally) with vespers (evening prayer) on Easter Sunday. The Triduum commemorates the supreme saving act of Jesus in his death and resurrection to which all other observances and acts of worship are related.
The purposes of the church calendar, as outlined in Vatican II's "Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy," are:
"Within the cycle of a year ... (the church) unfolds the whole mystery of Christ, not only from his incarnation and birth until his ascension, but also as reflected in the day of Pentecost, and the expectation of blessed, hoped-for-return to the Lord.
"Recalling thus the mysteries of redemption, the church opens to the faithful the riches of her Lord's powers and merits, so that these are in some way made present at all times, and the faithful are enabled to lay hold of them and become filled with saving grace."
In celebrating this annual cycle of Christ's mysteries, the document continues, the church honors with special love the Blessed Mary, Mother of God. There are also days devoted to the memory of martyrs and other special saints, who "sing God's perfect praise in heaven and offer prayers for us."
The purpose of commemorating saints is threefold: to illustrate that the life, death and resurrection of Jesus were reflected in the saints' lives; to honor them as heroes of holiness; and to appeal to them for their intercession.
Liturgical seasons
Advent
The liturgical year is introduced with the first of the four Sundays of Advent, either the last Sunday of November or first Sunday of December. Expectation of the coming of Christ is the main theme.
During the first two weeks, attention focuses on the final coming of Christ as Lord and Judge at the end of the world. Then from Dec. 17 to 24, the emphasis shifts to anticipation of the celebration of his birth on Christmas.
Christmas
The Christmas Season begins with the vigil of Christmas (Christmas Eve) and lasts until and including the Sunday after Jan. 6.
The period between the end of the Christmas season and the beginning of Lent belongs to the Ordinary Time of the year (see below). This is a pre-Lenten phase of varying length.
Lent
The Lenten season of baptismal preparation and penitence begins on Ash Wednesday, which occurs between Feb. 4 and March 11, depending on the date of Easter, and continues until the Mass of the Lord's Supper on Holy Thursday. Lent includes six Sundays, the last of which marks the beginning of Holy Week and is known as Passion (formerly called Palm) Sunday.
Easter
The Easter Season, with its theme of resurrection from sin to a life of grace, extends for 50 days, until Pentecost (commemoration of when the Holy Spirit descended on the apostles in the form of flames of fire). Easter is always observed on a Sunday between March 22 and April 25.
Since the year 325, Easter has been celebrated on the first Sunday following the first full moon in Spring.
Ordinary Time
No time is "ordinary." All time is a gift of God. But the term "Ordinary Time" is used to designate when no special seasons are celebrated. Ordinary Time usually begins on Monday after the Sunday following Jan. 6 and continues until the day before Ash Wednesday.
Ordinary Time resumes on the Monday after Pentecost and ends on the Saturday before the first Sunday of Advent, concluding with the Solemnity of Christ the King.
Colors
The colors of priests' vestments generally run as follows:
On high feasts like Christmas and Easter and their related seasons, and on special saints' feast days including days honoring the Blessed Virgin Mary, white or gold vestments are used.
When a saint being honored was a martyr (put to death because of faith), the vestment is red, suggesting the saint's shed blood. Of course, red is the color for Passion (Palm) Sunday, Good Friday (day honoring Christ's crucifixion), and Pentecost.
Seasons of spiritual preparation and penance like Advent and Lent indicate vestments in violet.
Days of Ordinary Time call for green vestments.
According to the "New Dictionary of Sacramental Worship," published by Liturgical Press of Collegeville, Minn., Pope Innocent lll (1198-1216) was the first to set down rules for liturgical color for the local church of Rome.
Innocent lll generally used only four colors: white for feasts of the Lord and saints; red for Pentecost, feasts of the cross, the martyrs and apostles; black for mourning and seasons of repentance (Advent and Lent); and green for days without special feasts.
Writing in Modern Liturgy magazine, Fr. Paul Turner, pastor of St. St. John Regis Parish, Kansas City, Mo., noted that in early times, colors were few in number because colored clothing was so expensive only the wealthy could afford it.
He said that not until 12th-century Jerusalem, when dyes became common, did liturgical colors start to become law.
"Liturgical colors still work their magic," Turner said, "helping us to meditate on the seasons of the year and the meaning of life."
Readings
Characteristic of the liturgical seasons are scriptural readings and Mass prayers assigned to each of them. For example, in Advent, readings are messianic (about the savior). During the Easter season, readings are from the Acts of the Apostles and from the Gospel of John. Readings during Lent dwell on baptismal and penitential topics. Basically, the Mass prayers reflect the meaning and purpose of the various seasons.
Feast days are either fixed or movable.
Fixed observances are those which are regularly celebrated on the same day each year - holy days of obligation such as Christmas, Dec. 25; the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God, Jan. 1; Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Aug. 15; All Saints' Day, Nov. 1; and the feast of the Immaculate Conception, Dec. 8.
Movable observances are those which are not observed on the same day each year - Easter, on the first Sunday following the first full moon in Spring; Ascension, 40 days after Easter; Pentecost, 50 days after Easter; Trinity Sunday, the first after Pentecost; and Christ the King, the last Sunday of the liturgical year.
(Contributing to this story was Ethel M. Gintoft.)
Liturgical Calendar for 1999
First Sunday of Advent ...... Nov. 29, 1998
Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary ...... Dec. 8, 1998
Christmas (Friday) ...... Dec. 25, 1998
Ash Wednesday ..... Feb. 17, 1999
Easter Sunday ...... April 4, 1999
Ascension Thursday ...... May 13, 1999
Pentecost ...... May 23, 1999
Body and Blood of Christ (Sunday) ...... June 6, 1999
Assumption of the Virgin Mary ...... Aug. 15, 1999
Christ the King (Sunday) ...... Nov. 21, 1999
Patricia Lorenz Special to Parenting
It often seems like we're raising a generation of 20- and 30-year-olds who make it their life's work to blame their own dismal failures in life on the fact that they were from a broken home; or that one parent was an alcoholic; or they were emotionally or physically abused as children; or they blame everything on an incident with a goofy uncle in the garage.
I don't understand the need for some people to spend their entire lives in therapy. I think life is for living in the present tense and I also believe that I am the only person responsible for how I act, what I do, and how I treat others.
The greatest blessing in my life was to be raised by a father and mother who taught me those very values and who didn't shout, hit or pout. They respected each other enough to air differences calmly and then got on with the business of living life as responsible, loving spouses and parents.
This past summer my 79-year-old Dad and 74-year-old stepmother Bev (Mom died at age 57) offered not only their car, but their driving skills, when it was time for me to take my youngest son to college at Arizona State University in Tempe.
We four set out on a beautiful August morning in Dad's packed-to-the-rafters Ford Taurus complete with the bike rack he'd made for Andrew's bicycle. Twelve hours later, by the time we rolled into Kansas City, Andrew, whose health has not been good for the past two years, was so sick he ended up in the emergency room of a local hospital. The doctors suggested we fly to Arizona rather than keep him in the car for three more days. So we jetted our way to Phoenix while Dad and Bev drove across Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico and Arizona in the sweltering heat.
When they arrived, we unpacked the car and spent the next two days getting Andrew settled into college life. The next day we said our good-byes and headed north. Dad, Bev and I spent the next two weeks visiting every national park, canyon and monument between there and home.
Altogether Dad, Bev and I were together 24 hours a day for 21 days. Imagine three weeks with your folks, driving, eating and sleeping in the same room. Imagine doing that without a cross word from anyone during the whole trip.
Well, OK, I'll 'fess up. Dad did get a little miffed, which means he harrumphed and pointed out my shortcomings when I did the following:
1. Forgot to lock the car one night at a hotel. (Lucky we had a car the next morning, he said.)
2. Left the car lights on for a couple hours at a tourist stop.
3. Didn't see the BUMP sign and flew over a huge one slamming the bottom of the car into the pavement.
Of course I felt like a dweeb for abusing my father's beautiful car like that but one thing about our family is that nobody holds a grudge for longer than two minutes. After each sin of mine Dad harrumphed for two minutes, then we both started blabbing like nothing happened.
When we arrived back at their home in Illinois and I was getting ready to head for Wisconsin, Dad actually apologized for being impatient with me those few times, can you believe it? This guy swats me with a feather when I deserve a two-by-four and then he apologizes.
Dad kept a diary of our trip as we paraded from one perfect picture-postcard scene to another in Arizona, Utah, Wyoming and South Dakota. His last entry on the final day says, "After we unloaded the car, Bev checked the messages on the answering machine and got the surprise of her life. She had won $2,000, first prize at our parish ice cream social raffle. What a country!"
What a country, indeed. From the Great Lakes to the Grand Canyon we saw it all.
But it wasn't the country that amazed me the most. It was my parents. When I told my friend Jean, a psychologist, about the three-week trip with my father and step-mom, Jean responded, "Not many people would be able to pull off three weeks of harmonious car travel with their parents. I hope you appreciate the specialness of your relationship."
Believe me, I know how special it is. I know that what we have today is special because of the strength of character my Dad had when I was growing up. He was just as good and kind and patient then, as he is now. What a country. What a Dad.
(Lorenz, an Oak Creek resident, spends her time writing and speaking to groups and is the mother of four grown children. You may contact her through the Catholic Herald.)
James Pankratz - Special to Parenting
How do you measure who in the family is most important to its everyday smooth running? Observe which family member gets asked the most questions. For example:
"Mom, where is my blue science notebook?"
"Mom, how come you put carrots in my lunch box?"
"Mom, did you call the coach?"
"Honey, did you pay the balance on the credit card?"
"Where are my shoes?"
She's obviously the hub of the family. The most important person. And the most exhausted. It is a constant current of questions like these that drives mothers and wives everywhere to fantasize about changing identities, going undercover and stealing a small yacht to navigate to an uncharted island in the South Pacific.
Of course, looking at the process from our children's point of view, asking questions and being listened to is a major way they feel connected and taken care of in a family. We all have questions we want answered. Recently I called a movie theater to inquire about a movie. I was treated to the rundown of all the movies playing, their times and ratings before being given another number to call. And we've all heard the recorded menu of options, "If you want X, push 1; if you want Y, push 2; if you want Z, push 3." But what if I want W?
I think our experience here is universal. We think, "Please, please let me get through to a real live human being! I have a specific question that needs an answer."
Preprogrammed information sends the message, "This is the answer to the question I wanted you to ask." It's a generic, one-size-fits-all answer. However, most questions that real human beings ask are kind of quirky, with several "what if..." clauses added on. These questions require a thoughtful detailed response. Human beings are complex. They can imagine many different possibilities. That is why they need other human beings to fine-tune their answers.
When a parent gives a lecture in response to a child's question, he or she delivers the equivalent of a prerecorded "menu" answer. "What you're asking sounds like it could be put in this category." The parent pushes the button. Out comes lecture No. 15 about how you should have planned your homework assignment the week before instead of waiting until tonight.
Of course, our little lectures are founded on logic and developed out of decades of experience. And they tell our children "Leave me alone. I don't have time for this nonsense now."
How wonderful it is to ask a question and have someone pay close attention, pause to think it over, and then give a thoughtful reply. Why doesn't this happen more often? Because the listener has some work to do. The listener needs to be patient enough to really understand, and sometimes decode, the question your child is really asking.
At first your son or daughter may not be able to put the question into words. What you hear first may be simply emotion, e.g. anger or tears. This is the tip-of-the-iceberg question. Underneath may be questions of identity such as "Am I interesting ... attractive ... competent ... likable ... intelligent?" Or maybe questions about the family: "Why don't you and mom ever talk to each other?" or about the larger world, "Why can't countries stop fighting?"
All of these questions have a lot riding on the answers. That's why they're hard to ask. Fear gets in the way. Children may worry their worst fears about themselves, their families, will be confirmed if they ask the questions churning within. If they don't ask, the inner turmoil, the anxiety and depression, continue.
What can a parent do? Be persistent. If you see signs that your son or daughter is unhappy, try to find out what's going on. Make yourself available. Put down the paper, turn off the TV. Decide to listen and keep listening. It's all too easy to make a half-hearted effort to listen for five minutes and then throw in the towel.
Go for a walk with your son. Sit down in your daughter's room. Send a message that you're prepared to sit and listen. Maybe something will happen.
As a parent, you needn't provide your children with all the answers. The answers to the big questions need to come from within. But your attentive listening will help your child gradually build his or her own answers.
And then they'll know you mean it when you say you love them. Theologian Paul Tillich wrote "The first duty of love is to listen."
(Pankratz is a marriage and family therapist at Catholic Charities' Milwaukee regional office.)
Copyright, 1997 by Catholic Herald, Milwaukee, WI
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