Editor’s note: This is another in a series of Archbishop Dolan’s columns in which he addresses “hot button” issues. Previous topics have included in vitro fertilization, the death penalty, inclusion vs. exclusion and war.

It happened again one pleasant evening last summer. A group of Catholic young people, in their 20s, invited me for an informal barbecue – and then to have a conversation about issues of our faith.

One of the young participants during that enjoyable evening asked me, “Archbishop, why is the church so against sex? The church always seems to condemn sex and warn people about it being immoral.” I had to admit, that was a question I often hear.

It just so happened that, on the way over to that visit that same evening, I had heard on the news that Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy, had just turned 80. So, I asked the young woman who had posed the question, “Who do you think has a more exalted, uplifting, noble view of sex: Hugh Hefner, or the Catholic church?”

Well, did that ever start a free-for-all! Everybody seemed to have his or her viewpoint. But, after about an hour, a consensus seemed to have developed: Hugh Hefner’s promiscuous, “anything-goes” mentality toward sex had actually led to disastrous consequences, such as the objectification of women, the reduction of sex to a contact sport instead of an act of love, abortion, venereal disease, AIDS, divorce, and the disappearance of reverence, mystery, and romance from sex.

On the other hand, the church holds up sexual love between a man and a woman in marriage as an actual hint of the love God has for us. The exciting, passionate love of a husband and wife is an image of how God romantically loves us, and as such is a tremendous gift. As with any gift, it requires care, reverence, and proper use.

The church’s attitude toward sex is liberating, not enslaving; life-giving, not selfish; tender and loving, never abusive or hurtful; a total gift of self, not simply “satisfying one’s urges.”

The group ended up agreeing: if you want a freeing, exciting, respectful, uplifting approach to sex, look to the church, not Hugh Hefner!

Is the church “hung-up” on sex? I guess so, but that’s only because we human beings tend to be that way. After all, sex ranks with food and self-protection as our three most powerful urges. The church is “hung-up” on sex, yes, only because genuine sexual love is about happiness, and the church is in the business of promoting happiness, now and in eternity.

The press, of course, enjoys promoting the perception that the church is obsessed with sex. If the Holy Father gives a talk in which he comments upon contemporary problems such as hunger, war, pollution, religious persecution, poverty, drugs, and promiscuity, you can bet the headlines will blare, “Pope condemns promiscuous culture.”

Here’s the package: the church considers sex a sacred gift. God himself in the Bible compared his love for us to the passionate sexual attraction of a young man courting a beautiful young woman, and he told us that his relationship with us is as strong, romantic, and tender as that between a husband and a wife. St. Paul tells us that Christ loves his church (us) just as a groom loves his bride.

So, if sexual love is a mirror of the Lord’s love for us, it must have the same characteristics: it is forever, it is life-giving, and it is faithful: That can occur only in the lifelong, life-giving, faithful relationship of a man and woman in marriage.

Sexual love is so sacred, so vitally important for us, so tender, sensitive, and noble, that God intends it only for a man and woman united in a marriage that is forever, faithful, and fruitful (giving new life in children). As a matter of fact, genuine, loving, faithful sexual love is an introduction to the supreme happiness of eternal union with God in heaven.

Now, (and here’s where the negative side comes in), any use of sex other than in marriage — before marriage, adultery, pornography, masturbation, homoerotic acts, for instance — are contrary to what the Lord intends. (I intend to consider some of these in future articles).

The church is far from a prude. Quite the opposite! She has such a deep appreciation of the power and fascination of sex that she wants only to foster and protect it. The virtue that helps us responsibly care for the gift of sexuality the way the Lord intended is called chastity.

So, to get back to that young woman’s comment, is the church negative about sex? Well, the church is sure negative about the degradation of sex so common in a culture that reduces it to animal rutting. But that is only a corollary to her overwhelmingly positive view of sexual love as so exciting, so creative, so noble, so sacred, that it is actually divine.

Move over, Hugh Hefner! Mother Church loves sex more than you could ever dream of! For her, it is a gift, not a gimmick; freeing, not enslaving; forever, not fleeting; selfless, not selfish; giving life, not just satisfying an urge.