Domestic abuse:
'National plague,' but 'hidden problem'

MILWAUKEE -- Dolores spent 16 years married to a man who used her as a punching bag.

"Generally I could count on something happening at least once a month," said the Milwaukee resident. "Sometimes the strangest things could start it off: he couldn't find something and he expected me to know where it was, or supper wouldn't be cooked right, or I'd go to the store and it wouldn't be the right thing."

She found her solace working as a legal secretary.

"My husband was the kind of guy who expected the woman to support him," explained Dolores. "I was making the money and I had the job. I had somewhere to go to where I wouldn't be with him. That kept my sanity. If I didn't have somewhere to go, I don't know how I would have survived."

Like other women in abusive relationships, Dolores (whose real name is not used to protect her identity) tried leaving her husband. "I had been supporting him and I felt guilty, so I kept letting him back," she said.

It wasn't until coworkers confronted her that Dolores sought help.

"One day when I was at work they asked me, 'What on earth are you doing coming to work with two black eyes?' I could not think of a lie that covered it," Dolores said. "They suggested that I go to a shelter and have someone else help me. That is what did it, that's what gave me the strength.

When I Call for Help: Resources for battered women Here is a list of telephone numbers and Web sites that will assist or guide battered women and pastoral ministers to national and local domestic abuse prevention resources. • National Domestic Violence Hotline (habla Español): (800) 799-SAFE (7233), www.ndvh.org • Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault: (608) 255-0539, www.wcasa.org • Violence in the Home Bilingual Hotline (Hmong): (888) 345-5898 • Milwaukee Commission on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault: (414) 286-2997 • Milwaukee Women's Center: (414) 272-6199 • Sojourner Truth House domestic violence hotline: (414) 933-2772 • Franciscan Peacemakers: (414) 562-4780 • Daystar, Inc.: (414) 385-0334 Web sites: • Center for Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence: www.cpsdv.org • National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: www.ncadv.org • Family Violence Prevention Fund: www.endabuse.org Bishops' statement on abuse: "When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women," can be accessed on the Internet at www.usccb.org/bishops/help.htm

"Sometimes, no matter how strong you think you are, you need help."

Bishops speak out

Helping women who suffer domestic abuse is a service the Catholic community must offer, the U.S. bishops exhorted in a recently revised statement on domestic abuse.

During their fall general meeting last month, the U.S. bishops approved an updated version of "When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women." In interviews with the Catholic Herald, several Catholics who minister to battered women hope bishops, pastors, deacons, religious educators and other lay ministers study the document and apply its teachings.

"As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified," the bishops wrote in their introduction.

Such a strong condemnation from Catholic leaders is important, said Thelma Walker, director of the archdiocesan Office for Women, because abusive men try to distort Scripture to justify their actions against women.

"They talk about women being submissive," she said. "That's certainly not what Scripture means. In fact, the bishops state that Ephesians 5:22 ("Wives should be submissive to their husbands as if to the Lord") is taken out of context to justify their behavior."

'For better or worse'

Mary Louise, 75, suffered through 49 years of physical, verbal and sexual abuse at the hands of her husband. Married in the Catholic Church to a man who graduated from Marquette University High School and Marquette University, she believed marriage "was for life. You put up with the 'for better or worse....'"

Although she received support from the Milwaukee Women's Center, Mary Louise remained married to her husband until he died in 2000. "It was only through his illness that I was delivered from the agony," she said.

Like Dolores, Mary Louise said affirmation from an outside source helped put her life back together.

"I saw a psychiatrist for many years because I had a complete breakdown," she said. "The psychiatrist told me two things. He said, 'Mary, Jerome put you into the hospital. Don't you ever let anyone walk all over you again.' I realized that that was exactly the truth, but I was glad that he was able to tell me."

Domestic abuse statistics staggering

Statistics indicate domestic violence is a national plague. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, more than 50 percent of women will experience violence from intimate partners. A National Crime Victimization Survey released by the Bureau of Justice in May 2000 reported that one-third of all murdered females in the United States are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands and boyfriends.

According to Daystar, Inc., a Milwaukee transitional shelter for battered women, over 1,000 abused women seek refuge in emergency shelters each year in Milwaukee, and over 5,000 restraining orders are issued annually in Milwaukee County in an effort to protect women against domestic violence.

Dominican Sr. Mary Frances Willcoxson, executive director of Daystar, said domestic abuse crosses all socioeconomic levels. The common link among abused women is "not feeling that they can make it on their own," she said. "Their self esteem is so low that they feel they can't make it without this other person."

Men who abuse women exert control over every aspect of a woman's life, said Willcoxson. It may begin with jealousy and eventually lead to complete exclusion of contact from friends and family members.

"If it isn't a relationship of love, then it's a relationship of hate," said the Sinsinawa Dominican. "God does not create hate. God does not want violence, and if one is violated, that is not a position to stay in. God releases people from their bonds. He doesn't put them under them."

Shelter for abused women

Daystar provides safe housing for up to 10 women in a secure, confidential location. Women can stay at the shelter for up to two years, but are required to pursue education or career training, as well as participate in weekly support groups and outside counseling.

When Dolores left her abusive husband, she was directed to Sojourner Truth House, a shelter for battered women. She stayed there one month before relocating to Daystar.

"One of the nicest things about Daystar was meeting all of the women who had been through similar experiences," said Dolores. "There was a lot of bonding and we learned that we could be strong if we stood together."

Dolores said religious convictions also influenced her choice not to leave her husband. "The women in my family generally do not get divorced and I felt embarrassed about being the first one," she said. "You need somebody to tell you it's all right for you to leave."

This is a message the bishops hope abused women understand.

Abuse and invalid marriages

"We emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage," they write. "Some battered abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship.... An annulment, which determines the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing."

Declaring a marriage invalid is the role of the archdiocesan Metropolitan Tribunal. "When we declare a marriage invalid, we're declaring an 'ill' marriage," said Fr. Tom Brundage, judicial vicar for the archdiocesan tribunal. "There was something from the beginning of the marriage that made it unable to be a permanent partnership."

Brundage cited Canon 1095 in the Code of Canon Law as the basis for declaring abuse-plagued marriages invalid. It states: "The following are incapable of contracting marriage: ... those who are not able to assume the essential obligations of marriage for causes of a psychic nature."

"Domestic abuse, in most ecclesiastical judges' opinion, is a clear sign of mental illness on the part of the abuser," said Brundage, who lamented the high percentage of tribunal cases involving spouse abuse.

"We see an alarmingly high number of domestic abuse cases in our (tribunal) process," he stated. "There seems to be almost an epidemic of domestic abuse."

Violence leads to addictive behavior

Deacon Steve Przedpelski is associate director of Franciscan Peacemakers, which runs an outreach ministry to prostitutes on Milwaukee's north side. He said most women his ministry serves engage in prostitution to support drug and alcohol addictions. "Their addictions seem to stem from physical and sexual abuse from early childhood, and they continue to be victimized into adulthood," he said.

Franciscan Peacemakers offers a weekly support group for women to talk about their experiences, Przedpelski continued. "A lot of times it focuses on physical violence they have endured in their lives." Since the outreach ministry started in 1995, "we have not had a client -- and we've had about 300 -- who does not have a history of physical and sexual abuse."

To help end the cycle of abuse, Franciscan Peacemakers, which operate out of a building across the street from St. Francis Assisi Church, works with neighborhood children to teach them nonviolent activities.

"We like to think that in the long run, because they have engaged in trusting relationships with people from Peacemakers ... they grow up thinking well enough about themselves (that they) can enter into healthy relationships," Przedpelski added. "There's a healthy side of life and it doesn't need to include violence."

Przedpelski, who serves at Corpus Christi Parish, said he believes the church does not do enough to respond to domestic abuse.

"It remains a hidden problem," he said. "I think we're getting better at recognizing the signs of abuse. We are not comfortable enough yet to ask the questions."

Parish leaders should not be afraid to intervene in a domestic abuse case when they learn about it, said Przedpelski "because many times the life of that person is at stake."

Addressing violence from the pulpit

In their statement on domestic abuse, the bishops offer concrete examples for pastors and pastoral staff members to reach out to abused women and abusive men. Among the suggestions is a call for pastors to include references to domestic violence, when appropriate, in homilies.

While Brundage said he has addressed domestic violence from the pulpit, he believes it is rarely discussed. "It probably needs more attention," he said. "When I'm preaching, there may well be people in the congregation that experience domestic violence. So when I address it, I try to be as sensitive and articulate as I can be."

Sharon Durski, a member of St. Matthias Parish, said she has never heard a homily address domestic abuse. As a parish nurse, she has taken an interest in drawing attention to the problem. In 1999, Durski, with the help of her parish's human concerns committee, organized a symposium on domestic abuse. Held at St. Matthias, it was aimed at religious leaders from the Milwaukee area.

"We sent out invitations to about 350 clergy members," she said. Only 25 people attended. While one seminarian was among the participants, she said, not one priest was present.

"It wasn't surprising to me," she said of the absence of clergy at the symposium. "I think that, unfortunately, (church leaders) feel that it isn't a problem."

By having the U.S. bishops speak out on domestic abuse, Durski hopes parish leaders will commit themselves to helping parishioners.

"If I were being abused by my husband or someone else and then went to a clergyman for support, I would hope that he would know something about domestic abuse; know how it could happen anywhere and in any family; know where to go for help and be able to refer me to people," said Durski. "I think most important, to offer that support and to let me know that I was still OK, that I wasn't a bad person, and that it wasn't my fault -- and that I had the right to leave the situation if I needed to."

Mary Louise knows from experience that pastors need more education on domestic abuse. "I went to three different priests and none of them helped me. Not a one," she said.

Suggestions for church intervention

She would like to see the archdiocese form a support group for Catholic women who have been abused "so they can just go and talk." Outreach to older women is especially important, said Mary Louise, a volunteer with the Older Abused Women's Program at the Milwaukee Women's Center, "because they are more reluctant to come forward."

In addition, she believes marriage preparation programs should include discussion on domestic abuse, and seminarians should have opportunities to sit down with women who have been abused "so that they have some idea of how difficult our lives are."

Przedpelski said it's imperative for religious educators to discuss the problem with teens. "We have to go after our young men in their teens. We can't be afraid to talk about what they see" on television and movies, he said.

He cited a study that said about 35 percent of high school girls believe physical violence can be acceptable in a relationship. "This is just scary," Przedpelski said. "Young people need to hear from the church just how wrong this is."

The church's sexual abuse crisis should serve as a catalyst for tackling domestic abuse, he added.

"We have an opportunity to learn from the sexual abuse crisis to do more," Przedpelski said, noting that public listening sessions -- similar to the ones offered by the archdiocese in October for survivors of clergy sexual abuse -- for domestic abuse survivors may be the next step. "We need to listen to people tell their stories and to tell us as a church how to do a better job."

Source of education for churches

According to the Rev. Bobbi Groth, an ordained Unitarian minister who works at the Milwaukee Women's Center, some church leaders are reluctant to discuss domestic abuse for fear of saying the wrong thing or doing more harm than good. Education should be the first step, and Groth spends most of her time giving workshops and addresses to church leaders.

She is often invited to speak from the pulpit during religious services. "I generally try to (share) the stories" of women she's helped, Groth said. She also talks about what churches have done in the past that is not helpful, and some of ways churches can respond that are helpful.

"Churches can put things in their environment that say it's OK to talk (about abuse); have posters about domestic abuse and brochures about it," she said. In addition to placing brochures that give facts and abuse hotline numbers in pamphlet racks at the entrance of churches, Groth said putting them in men's and women's restrooms is an excellent idea. "That's where people go where they have complete privacy," she said.

Groth said that while the physical wounds women suffer at the hands of their mates can heal in time, "the spiritual injuries go on much longer."

"Even when a person gets out of a relationship, the spiritual wounding is still there for many years."

Dolores, who is back to work as a legal secretary and thankful for the intervention caring people offered, said the loneliness and isolation abused women experience is crushing. She offers them hope.

"I think I would say to them, don't be afraid to listen to your own heart, because a woman knows in her own heart when something is really wrong. And don't be afraid to ask for help because there are people who are willing to help. All you have to do is ask."